January 12, 2012

A Literary Critique Part 1

"Why The Sky Is Blue"
A short story from the collection Stories from the Beginning to the End
By Juan C. Mendez

Full Text

One day Squirrel was tired of having green grass and a green sky. The next day, Squirrel still felt the same way. The day after that, Squirrel decided to do something about the sky and the grass so they wouldn't be the same color.

First, he went to the Ferret and told him his problem. Ferret said that he would help, but only if they made the sky blue, since that was his favorite color. Squirrel agreed.

First, they decided what to use to make the sky blue. They agreed to use blueberries since that was the only thing that was blue in the forest. They collected as many blueberries as they could find. Then they went to Bear and asked him if he would help them make the sky blue. Bear said Yes. He took the blueberries and threw them at the sky. The sky was turning blue. It worked!

The next day Squirrel was so happy he had a party and invited everyone in the forest. Everybody in the forest was also happy about the blue sky. And that is why the sky is blue to this day.




Analysis

First off, the squirrel in this story is a top class dick. I mean, it takes an absurdly high concentration of shit in ones brains to make the decision to change one of the most basic sights of earthly existence, which affects every non-colorblind being on the planet (sorry Mr. Mulaney), just because it isn't the right hue. At the very least he had a victory throwdown where (as it says in the epilogue) Rabbit finally put out.

Secondly, what exactly is Ferret contributing to this operation? All he does is pussyshit around like a 2006 Cooper during pick-up games, and yet he gets to pick the color of the whole fuckin heavens?

Thirdly, this pathetic author needs to realize that if you list two sequential actions, they can't both be "first." Additionally, if there's only one item in the entire forest that is blue, you can't really say you "agreed" or "decided" to use that for your entire azure adventure. Just, shoddy fucking writing.

Continuing on, had this brilliantly thought out, bulletproof plan somehow failed to sapphire the shit out of the cosmos, what would have been plan B? Come on small woodland creatures get your shit together. This is why people run you over.

The only true BAMF in this story is, of coarse, Bear. Why, you ask? Cause he beasted a dickton of blueberries into the atmosphere, where they subsequently blew up into trillions of little perfectly-sized pieces and scattered all over the place in a very specific pattern so that they would refract light in just the right way. Duh. If you didn't read between the lines and see that, you dumb.