October 29, 2010

Whisper Sweet Nothings to Me

It is no secret to anyone who has ever known me, if even for a minute, that I am a deeply disturbed man-child. Throughout my life, it has never been a secret that my internal scale for evaluating the general value of things is a bit off. The other day, however, it became evident just how much it has been skewed from its once merely "troubling" gauge. What I mean by this (and what logically follows) is that a recent conversation spurred the realization that if a girl ever wanted to seduce me for some masochistic reason, the type of stuff she would have to whisper into my ear to win me over would deviate more than a bit from the mean. I may (definitely) just be talking out of my ass here, but it seems that a good way of judging how weird you are is by imagining what type of content a theoretical seductress would have to employ (or maybe just entertaining this idea instantly makes one odd). After mulling over this absurd thought for a bit, searching for the phrases that would make my knees week, it became clear that I am not only really weird, but also suffering from a severe lack of contact with US sports/general culture.


"There's fresh bacon in the kitchen."

"It looks like Amar'e's knee is gonna hold up."

"I'm wearing short sleeves."

"Mariano Rivera's cutter is nothing short of artistic genius."

"I feel like the Knicks will play .500 ball this year."

"I just paid that guy 20 bucks to slightly alter the position of Phil's hat every 15 minutes."

"Did you hear? The 2004 ALCS never happened."

"Helmet catch."

"Can I stroke your mustache?"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"I just paid that guy 20 bucks to slightly alter the position of Phil's hat every 15 minutes."

Gold.