March 31, 2010

O Canada

Today I attempted to send something from Montreal, QC to Washington, DC. The total package was no bigger than a below-average jacket pocket. I was in for more than I had bargained for.

Here are the shipping options they offered me:

$6: By boat - arrives in 4-6 weeks
$8: Air mail - arrives in 2 weeks (they originally said 4, but I suppose east coast brought it down)
$13: Express air - arrives in 6 business days (aka a week and a half)

Now with these estimates in mind, here are some figures:

Flight Montreal to DC: under 2 hours
Drive Montreal to DC: under 11 hours
WALK Montreal to DC straight: 8 days
Walk Montreal to DC 6 hours a day: 32 days (10 days less than 6 weeks)
Walk Montreal to LA straight: under 39 days

For those keeping track, this means that if I were to open a post office by myself, I would be significantly more efficient than Canada Post. This made me wonder what actually goes on when one attempts to ship something out of the land that God forgot. I have developed a vision of how things work in the real world, and how things work in bizarro world.

How airmail should work:
Plane tomorrow to New York (1 day)
Plane Friday to DC (2 days)
Go ahead, fuckers, take the 3 day weekend (5 days)
Ship to address Tuesday (6 days)

How airmail likely works:
Insert package into anus (1 day)
Take FOUR day weekend, lazy fucks (5 days)
Compare smell of package to that of packages inserted into coworkers' asses (6 days)
Protest for Quebec independence (8 days)
Open package and translate all contents into horribly bastardized French (9 days)
Weekend (11 days)
Send package out of post office, place in wrong bin (12 days)
Finally get package on plane, have trouble at customs because pilot's English sounds like death by ping-pong-ball choking (13 days)
In hands of Americans, deliver package to address next day (14 days)

After nearly four years living here, I am fully convinced that were Quebec to separate from the rest of Canada, it would very soon be considered a third-world country. While I will definitely miss poutine, I can't wait to be able to eat Taco Bell, have my SportsCenter not end in 're', buy alcohol after 11pm, and not have the tax on a sandwich add a solid dollar to its price.

America, fuck yeah.

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