May 16, 2009

Chest Assaulters

During our tenure as Somers students, there were plenty of people that consistently generated the emotion now labeled as chest mutilation. Whether they were tuppas, jokers or Nick DeBellis, these people said or did stuff which through its sheer brutality probably shaved a couple of years off our lives. We now present them to you in top 25 format.
25. Schultz’s Gym Stories: Set the record for most Veg faces in a single period. Enough said.
24. Kolaj: Fuck La Famiglia.
23. Dave Reit: Despite being 23 or so, this kid dated Moloney since she was a junior in high school and was subsequently her prom date senior year. Not only would he show up at school and demand to take her class’ math tests, he was also known to frequent parties and even went to Seaside.
22. Abate’s Middle School Backpack: If I recall correctly the thing was big enough to fit an 8th grade Matt McKeon inside of it
21. Andrew Fairchild: Looks like a monstrous baby and almost hit a pack of 2nd graders running the half mile with a softball jack. Actually, that last part is kinda funny.
20. SN: Upon first seeing Neri at Jones' July 4th throwdown, a wise man said, “Wow, that's Neri? He lost a lot of weight......I wonder if he's still a loser.” Bring back fat Neri.
19. WS: One time when the heat was broken in English class, the whole class was allowed to go their lockers and wear their coats. This monstrous tool, however, took of his overshirt, and kept saying “Guys, what are you talking about? It's hot in here! I'm sweating!” Note that this was in 10th grade, not Primrose.
18. AP: Anyone remember when Berg went on a rant against this chick while she was standing right behind him? That should have happened more often. Maybe she would have taken the hint. Check her face in the bottom left here
17. MH: A dirty thief, this chick always seemed to smell like b.o. and cigarettes at 7:30 in the morning.
16. Cooper: Had a nice little career for himself.
15. KK: What was going on with this chick? Once at a party she was overheard having sex with one of the shadiest characters ever on top of the washing machine. She was overheard because the party was only 15 feet away. Now the fourth person (Zo's count as one) to voice her qualms with the Bons.
14. DW: Came into school one random day wearing his entire motocross outfit including helmet. That day was not Halloween.
13. Dennis: This man really doesn't need an introduction. Have you been to that basement? I really can't even go into this for risk of chest-related injury.
12. SL: One time, someone managed to get his name printed as “Sally Lally” on the hockey programs. It fit.
11. Bob Geck: In travel ball, John Mullen threw a no-no and was obviously awarded the game ball, at which point Bob Geck insisted that Erich receive half a game ball, as he was supposed to pitch that day but “allowed” Mullen to take his place. Bob Geckle pleeease.
10. Nov: Nov + females= mad fingerbangin'
9. Poops: This
8. J. Pizz: This Simpsons Trivia and Duck Hunt pro secured her place on this list with five words - “Video killed the radio star.” I don't know how many people actually saw the video in the caf, but it was fucking terrible.
7. RC: La semana, posada, a whole lotta, hakuna Cassatta
6. LS - CL Combo: For the fifteen minutes out of the day that these two weren’t off molesting each other throughout the halls, they were individually drilling into chests. In 10th grade English, Stier did a book report on the Hardy Boys (the wrestlers) and played the entire theme song in class. She also stated that these two were heroes because they put their lives on the line every night…and wore a shirt that said “Property of Chris Lucia.”
5. YL: It’s no small feat to make going to Mr. Malone’s English class a brutal, chest-destroying ordeal, but Yasmin somehow pulled it off with the greatest of ease. She raised her hand so many times that Malone was getting sick of it. Could you pronounce the word “battalions”? I can, but Yasmin might just say “battle lions.”
4. Bitchface: allegedly once jerked off under the bleachers during girls’ basketball practice.
3. SE: Have some Motrin handy before reading this. He's of course very trustworthy, because he's Asian (quoted from himself in 8th grade). If you somehow haven't seen the UPTV Abodez episode, they don't “have a big fuckin'...thing” in their bathroom, they got RUST! Lucky enough to be the one person not on the infamous 'Top 10 Hotties' post to find himself on Bonsai, he was really perplexing in his response. Failing to decide what tone to post comments in (passive, aggressive, or pleading), he is apparently under the misconception that blogs are written entirely at once, and doesn't realize that things from high school are relevant when written about in high school. Also seems to think that laughing about dumb shit people do is not a universal right, and that posting links to his own YouTube and Facebook pages is completely out of line. Next time you want to make fun of any of his videos, he would prefer it if you were to call him up and say it to his face first. In that case you should probably also call up this kid, this chick, and these morons. Stop giving us material and we'll lay off. Viva la Bonsai.
2. SS: If you attended Somers High School or have ever read this site you should know exactly why this kid is up here. Steve Smith has been consistently hurting chests longer than anyone in the biz. For further confirmation see here.
1. Merc: In the third grade, before I could even pick up a baseball, I hit Mercaldi in the head with a metal baseball bat during an in-town practice. Little did I know how much enjoyment this simple fact would bring me for many years to come. No one in the history of Somers High School has penetrated as many chests on such a consistent basis as the one Chris Mercaldi. Few could escape unharmed as even a glimpse in his direction would subject one to the douchery that dripped off him as he donned his characteristic strut.
When asked in Stats to estimate the length of the room Mercaldi got down in a sprint start position, ran across the room and then said “yea, it’s about 8 meters.” Later, at a meet in which he got DQ’d from the pole vault, he began screaming and cursing, pacing back and forth in the infield. He then proceeded to repeatedly pick up the poles and slam them down. This prompted another coach to whisper something into Arnie’s ear who then shouted “Mercaldi cut that shit out they think you’re retarded!”
Honorable Mention:
Swi family
Dana Ba
The Recine Family
Dan Leyh

Compiled and written by various Bonsai writers.
Yes, this blog (and post) is, itself, a chest pulverizer.