March 15, 2009

Letter Sent Out to Our IM Soccer Team Before the First Game

          Men, as you prepare for battle tomorrow at 1900 hours, take a moment to consider how lucky you are to be members of such a prestigious corps. Realize that you have been deliberately chosen to partake in this regiment for your abilities as merciless killers and devastating assassins. Do not, however, take your participation in this endeavor lightly as it demands your undying commitment and passion to play with reckless disregard for your opponents’ safety. Also, tomorrow, before you make your way to Ram’s Head battleground, be sure to call your parents and loved ones, for if you do return, it may be as a warped or vacuous version of your former self. This is due to the fact that warfare always carries the unfavorable possibility of getting skull fucked. Dulce et Decorum est indeed. 

         Make no mistake, however, we will win. We will take no prisoners. If those bitches wanted fair play and sportsmanship they would have never entered the cold, anarchic state of nature commonly referred to as Intramural Recreational soccer. For the next few weeks we will not bathe but in our opponents’ blood. We shall not dress but with our opponents’ skin as a surprisingly warm winter coat. We shall not season our salad but with vinaigrette made from our opponents’ sweet, sweet eye juices. The eyes will have to be removed anyway in preparation for the customary victory-skull-fucking of the socket. Some of our creepier members (Kevin) will probably extract some semen for their personal use but this is by no means compulsory. Kevin is a sick fuck anyways. Tomorrow, let us bombard our pusillanimous opponents with cascades of skull fucking shots. Let us shatter their pansy wills as if they were an old lady’s pelvis, let’s push them down a flight of stairs. Let us mung jump their hopes and dreams, leaving their miserable, battered corpses penetrated and unrecognizable. Let us redefine “slaughter rule.” 

          Most importantly men, you must always remember and act in accordance with the team’s three bylaws. Make moves, do work and when presented with the choice, always go big, not home.

Note: Move Makers and Work Doers beat Mathchester United 7-1 the next day.

Second Note: I am a monumental tool.


mr. malone said...

sweet and honorable it is to get skullfucked for your country

nate dogg said...

give yourself two

weezy! said...

peyton manning said...

cut that meat