March 15, 2009

Letter Sent Out to Our IM Soccer Team Before the First Game

          Men, as you prepare for battle tomorrow at 1900 hours, take a moment to consider how lucky you are to be members of such a prestigious corps. Realize that you have been deliberately chosen to partake in this regiment for your abilities as merciless killers and devastating assassins. Do not, however, take your participation in this endeavor lightly as it demands your undying commitment and passion to play with reckless disregard for your opponents’ safety. Also, tomorrow, before you make your way to Ram’s Head battleground, be sure to call your parents and loved ones, for if you do return, it may be as a warped or vacuous version of your former self. This is due to the fact that warfare always carries the unfavorable possibility of getting skull fucked. Dulce et Decorum est indeed. 

         Make no mistake, however, we will win. We will take no prisoners. If those bitches wanted fair play and sportsmanship they would have never entered the cold, anarchic state of nature commonly referred to as Intramural Recreational soccer. For the next few weeks we will not bathe but in our opponents’ blood. We shall not dress but with our opponents’ skin as a surprisingly warm winter coat. We shall not season our salad but with vinaigrette made from our opponents’ sweet, sweet eye juices. The eyes will have to be removed anyway in preparation for the customary victory-skull-fucking of the socket. Some of our creepier members (Kevin) will probably extract some semen for their personal use but this is by no means compulsory. Kevin is a sick fuck anyways. Tomorrow, let us bombard our pusillanimous opponents with cascades of skull fucking shots. Let us shatter their pansy wills as if they were an old lady’s pelvis, let’s push them down a flight of stairs. Let us mung jump their hopes and dreams, leaving their miserable, battered corpses penetrated and unrecognizable. Let us redefine “slaughter rule.” 

          Most importantly men, you must always remember and act in accordance with the team’s three bylaws. Make moves, do work and when presented with the choice, always go big, not home.

Note: Move Makers and Work Doers beat Mathchester United 7-1 the next day.

Second Note: I am a monumental tool.

March 10, 2009

Is it Bad...?

- if you feel up meg tighe and don't remember it

- if you call someone a dipaolo while dipaolo is right behind you

- if you say "nigga" (without the "er") in front of a black acquaintance

- if wendy has to help you

- if we bukakke wendy

- if nick d. is your surgeon

- if a girl farts

- if you got some siblings

- if coach carter makes out with tren pak in the auditorium

- if you whet wee in public

- if the menu you're reading says "No MSG upon request"

- if you're under 30 and have just a mustache

- if you get a tiny bit of poop on your underwear

- if you eat meat and dairy together

- if i've pooped every color except blue/violet

- if you want neri's "D" in or around your mouth

- if you're an avid fan of Dave Matchoos Baynd

- if you end up in the tombs for selling bags of sugar (or PCP)

- if your roommate confuses your drunken stupor with an attempt to choke him

- if you don't shave, wear no shirt, prevent forest fires, and scratch your hairy tummy while grunting Bruce Springsteen lyrics

- if you hit a ball signed by Babe Ruth into the clutches of a beast

- if A-Rod's urine has more steroids in it than it does urine

- if A-Rod's face continues to look the way it does

- if Bean asks to take a sip of your beverage

- if Yo Yo Ma is your opponent

- if josh kneer drinks his own pee

- if you fall for the banana in your tailpipe

- if you watch more than 15 spins on meatspin

- if you are one of the Lawrence brothers

- if you forget who sings "Come on Eileen"...
... actually, no. that's not bad. but if you think The Cure sings "Come on Eileen," well... it's not good.