December 20, 2008

Google This

So recently it has become pretty clear that plenty of people are reaching bonsai by googling their names and stumbling upon all the vile, immature shit we (mostly Bean really) have written about them. Still, this is why bonsai was created so I’m gonna go ahead and write some random ass, possibly borderline creepy (following in Bean’s footsteps) stuff about random people. Also, I’ll throw in some of the bonsai regulars.

Ken Ijichi- This kid used to be completely unintelligible. I remember him dealing hands of blackjack in the cafeteria to several non-existent players while intermittently shouting phrases in what I hope was an actual language. Also, during my sophomore season on the JV soccer team, he would roam around the field with a shopping cart filled with random shit until, somehow, our coach noticed his ridiculous intensity. Logically, he became our starting sweeper as soon as he was eligible. Not three minutes into his first game a ball came straight at him…and he punched it. He did not receive any more playing time. 

Kristen Meenah- Despite having my locker be directly next to hers from 6th grade on, I don’t think we ever had a conversation. I don’t know jack shit about her and doubt that I’m even spelling her name correctly.

Steve Smith- If this motherfucker’s facebook updates don’t routinely make you want to choke on your own vomit then you are brain dead. 

Sophia Huang- Does she have interests?

Jimmy Adamo- My only real memory of him is at some Hutch party where he was sitting in a plastic chair, wearing a beater and booting for a few hours next to the pool.

Kirsten Quinn- How hot was this chick back in the day? Bean might want to dan ponder creating a list of hotties that left Somers prior to reaching their prime. Another candidate: Alyssa Mosca.

Tim Pruiett- Despite his overall appearance and nonexistent personality there was a point in his life where he was routinely banging the very definition of hotness, and that’s gotta count for something. She was so unbelievably hot that we all felt perfectly fine acting like complete stalkers about it, even when called out by Zeinoun. Freshman year, Toscano would put the attendance to our Bio class on the floor so that she would be forced to bend down when she came to pick it up. That kind of shit was his corey forte.

Dan Toscano- His relevance completely ashley petered out once he was no longer providing Jackie Notter related material for our 14 year old brains to salivate (and ejaculate) about. On a related note, if DN had JNs?

Newman- He is scared of horses.

Taylor Rochestie- Don’t know much about him but I hear he is a close friend of Nick D.

December 15, 2008

Oh, George




and i just had to add this for the hell of it