September 21, 2008

Why Sarah Palin is Totally Awesome

  1. Because being the corrupt mayor of a town with less than half the population of Somers, thousands of miles from reality is enough preparation for the Vice-Presidency
  2. Because the Vice-Presidential mansion would look much better with a mounted Moose head over the fireplace.
  3. Because if you say the polar bear is endangered, she will sue you.
  4. Because the Senate is sure to be pounded into submission by Alaska's 1984 “Miss Congeniality”
  5. Because wouldn’t you want $150 bones, per kill, to hunt wolves from helicopters?
  6. Because no true conservative’s resume would be complete without opposing at least one environmental protection bill. See Alaska Clean Water Act.
  7. Her credentials as Sportscaster at the world renowned KTUU-TV  of Anchorage are sure to come in handy when the Senate calls in Sammy Sosa to check up on his English, only to find out that he knows suspiciously less than he did last time.
  8. Because public schools need to spend more time covering the essentials of creationism.
  9. Because rape victims should have to pay for their own rape kits, I mean this isn’t Cuba.
  10. I guess naming kids Trig and Track is legit
  11. Because you shouldn’t be allowed to read certain books.
  12. Because $442 million for a pair of bridges, one of which leads to an island of 50 (fifty) people, is money well spent when compared to the Mr. Miller beeions of dollars spent every nanosecond in Iraq.
  13. Because foreign leaders will be too busy staring at her rack to realize she is completely brain dead.
  14. Because Alaska and the Panama Canal Zone are heart and soul of America.
  15. Cause fuck Roe v Wade; she’s smart enough to recognize that having a grandson that’s only a year younger than her son will help in expanding nepotism to the next generation. Seriously though, when McCain dies from life failure she could fire enough people to give nearly all of her future illegitimate grandkids high profile government jobs.