July 23, 2008

Personal Hells

He’s no angel, so he will be in an Olympic sized wave pool surrounded by giant horses being jockeyed by Will D’angelo clones, all within a giant Imax dome alternating between showing only the longest, least engaging movies of all time and a 1-on-1 soccer game between Nick T and Neils Bohr. Also, his chest literally hurts. Newman is afraid of horses.

He is not allowed to cut his hair or fix his hat, constantly loses his phone, is forced to stick to a 4 sentence maximum for stories, and must hang out exclusively with either a pack of NYU Asians or his (2nd) stalker.

Nick D:
Every night he has to watch videos of T-Fresh interacting with her current boyfriend and is forced to go to sleep without taking a dump.

He is forced to tell everyone he meets that he has the same car as Steve Contrata and must legally change his name to Old Keith. Also, his bed is puked on every night by Nick D (a gag reflex from watching those videos) who will deny it fervently despite irrefutable evidence.

He is adopted by (and only allowed to chill with) the Swi family for the rest of eternity. He must also keep his current job.

He has to go back to Miller’s Public Affairs class which is now populated by 15 lead singers from Coldplay and 15 Savy Lang clones seating alternately and must correctly redo all of the mods while Walker routinely walks in and catches him doing the robot. For this, he is punished by having to attend the world’s largest flea market/tag sale with Dennis and the whole Kolaj family. Also, every vendor is making Noah’s ark jokes and DiPaolo, to no one’s surprise but Noah’s, is constantly in earshot.

He has to accompany Noah on all his stygian endeavors (the flea market is in the ODJ) but cannot laugh or make any comment unless it’s “Hey Dennis, what about this? It’s 15% off!” Also, he gets blueballed every single night and wakes up the next morning without remembering what he said/did.


The Hebrew Hammer said...

mine is horrifically accurate, and far too close to reality.

theSQUIN said...

as is mine...fuck horses

phil's (1st) stalker said...

i just LOVE football players' bodies.