June 28, 2008

Look- A -Likes (5th Edition)

- Mr. Papalia vs. Former Met Manager Bobby Valentine

- Tila Tequila vs. Gizmo

- Brewer Pitcher Eric Gagne vs. Seth Rogen

- Nationals Outfielder Willy Mo Pena vs. Redskin RB Clinton Portis

- Will Ferrell vs. Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith

- New York Governor David Patterson vs. Mets pitcher Pedro Feliciano

- Dane Cook vs. Singer Gavin Degraw

- Brett Favre vs. Philadelphia Phillie Geoff Jenkins

- Italian Goalie Gianluigi Buffon vs. this guy from a bunch of TV shows when we were younger

- Monterrey Jack from Rescue Rangers vs. Asher Krassner

June 25, 2008

I Don't Have a Job

While this isn’t really news to anybody, especially to those who have not seen me since I shaved my dealer stache, it has become an issue. Two full weeks of sitting on my ass until 5 o’clock have made me a desperate, pathetic person.

First off, I have become a facebook stalker to the point that even Newman might feel disgusted.

Proof:

The appearance of the same perpetually stoned black guy previously featured on bonsai could to the untrained eye signal that Steve Smith has actually made a friend. Realistically though, upon finding out what this dude was wearing for Halloween, he bought a Fred (pussy) costume and followed him around until he was high enough to pose for a picture. This classic, from the album “Knicks Preseason Game and Halloween,” immediately brings up the question: Who the fuck goes to Knicks preseason games? The idea of Stephon Marbury and Zach Randolph giving even less of a shit about their jobs is so depressing that watching those videos of Shaun Eng is actually uplifting by comparison. Their defensive effort must be so pathetic that even a certain squad headed by Will Smith could drive to the basket. Any thoughts Will?

Word?

Secondly, I am so routinely bored that one day I actually agreed to accompany Kamer to his 3 and a half hour history class at Purchase. I was, however, completely unprepared for the absurd crew that made up his class.

Students:

  • A gay version of P4
  • The over anxious participant or Greg Falco character- It's too bad he was never asked to read out loud.
  • Black guy from Bro Rape video
  • Pack of old peeps- sat together in the corner and talked about the flu or Medicare or the Polo Grounds or whatever else ridiculously old people talk about
  • Herman- A partially blind, middle-aged guy who looks like former Colombian goalkeeper Rene Higuita with a Fu Manchu who was accompanied by his Seeing Eye dog and had apparently lost 50 bones on a bet during a previous class

Thirdly, I've had time to fully realize something that was brought up collectively by Newman, Smilo and myself. Fact: Steve Smith, Will Smith, Jared Smilowitz, and Noah Sandberg all have girlfriends. What the fuck are the rest of us doing? Aside from making creepy posts such as this, that is.

Lastly, not having a job sucks because I’m not like Paps, I not gonna beat off 8 times a day.

June 12, 2008

DeVitos, DiPaolos and Grandes, oh my!

Things we're not letting Noah talk about anymore:

  • Middleton, his baseball team, and his antics
  • The creation of the Heinzinger action figure
  • People from high school he's never going to talk to again, and coming to terms with it
  • Civil law with Mrs. Banino
  • People talking about his wang
  • Lori Ruth
  • Baseball Tonight
  • Todd Pratt and the jack he hit
  • His hatred of John Armato
  • Baseball Max ("sees fo sees")
  • Jose Reyes talking
  • The shit in his basement
  • His Subarus (Fred, Ethel, and the late Ginger)
  • Kamer driving home with "The Thing hands"
  • Trapasso, Walker, McDonnell, Dentato, Ullman
  • Bean's stepdad
  • Olmetti
  • Mark Bernier - is he a beast?
  • Handshakes
  • 7-Eleven runs
  • Block "riding a rickshaw"
  • Any member of the Rexhepi family

On a related note, I never want to hear Phil talk about Mark Korosi again.

June 7, 2008

A Few Highlights From A Semester Abroad

A Virginia country old boy was courted by a local painter and convinced to be drawn shirtless and with unbuttoned pants…as a centaur.

A 21 year old ODJ survivor danced in an internet café in Olympia with a 16 year old German boy.

A Canadian, who claimed to have been drugged, thought the bus was leaving without him, at 4am, so he ripped off the windshield wiper and broke the side window. He then spent the night in a Greek prison.

After a semester of constantly hosting Monday parties, breaking furniture, leaving mounds of garbage in the living room, and having the police called on them, 4 guys were evicted from their apartment for adopting a stray dog.

After a full night of drinking, 3 guys went out to strip clubs on a Saturday night, only to realize it was technically Easter Sunday.

4 guys were strip searched at a train station in Germany after being too high to successfully smuggle shrooms from Amsterdam into Berlin.

I awoke one morning in a hostel in a different neighborhood of Athens, sharing a room with seven other people I didn’t know.

A gang of 17-year olds punched my roommate in the face.

Another one of my roommates also punched that roommate in the face.

Prior to this, that roommate was voted “most likely to get punched in the face.”

I found myself in a van with 9 of the most absurdly Asian people I had ever seen in my life. Picture the Asian chick that was outside the abortion clinic in the movie Juno, but 9 times. So mathematically inclined and tiny-penised was this crew that Mike Choi himself would have had some serious trouble matching up with their oriental credentials. Such a squad could cancel out the collective badassness of Babe Ruth, Kimbo Slice, the entire Rat Pack, Vince Vaughn in Swingers , and an 8th grade Alex Olmetti mid-anti-lacrosse-Braveheart speech. Were any of these piano-playing, car-crashing, nerds to ever try to deny their natural attraction to hentai, pokemon, and bright, flashing lights they would stand about as good of a chance of succeeding as Nick D. in a job interview for the position of fact checker at the New York Times. Also, one of them had a mullet.