February 21, 2008

If J.M. could see him now...

Daniel J. Noonan is the most artistic person I know... excluding, of course, Angelo Letizia and Korren Knapp. Most of us are familiar with and appreciate his creative talents in music, charade clue writing, black-people dancing, and, in particular, drawing. However, many don't know that some of his earliest and most controversial works disappeared from the public record when a well-respected authority labeled them as pornography. Luckily, Noonan was able to avoid banishment from the art community, because these unsigned works were attributed to E-dog, son of the famous internet poker star Russ Dog. Only now, years after the scandal, do I feel it is safe to release these.

February 17, 2008

Everyone in the world just got CALLED OUT


If this bitch wants to throw bows, I'm game.

Notice how fucked up her face is, I bet she has AIDS. I also took notice to the drum kit in the background, what the fuck is up with that? I DIDN'T KNOW WHITE TRASH COULD AFFORD LUXURIES

Ballin' In The Balkans

After recognizing a few faces while watching Greek basketball game on T.V. , I decided to compile a short list of the borderline recognizable names that make up 90% of the players in the league who can actually dunk.

Reyshawn Terry (Aris)- Graduated from UNC last year to be drafted 44th overall by the Magic. He was then traded for the last pick in the draft and (not much) cash. He won a national title his sophomore year in stadium that can fit 70,000 people and now plays home games in a glorified gym that’s barely better the state prison-funded palace at Beacon High School.

Lonny Baxter (Panionios)- Graduated from Maryland the year they won the national title and was drafted 43rd overall by the Bulls. He was arrested in 2006 for firing a .40 caliber Glock within a few blocks of the White House and then again the following year for FedExing 4 guns to himself.

Qyntel Woods (Olympiakos)- Graduated from Northeast Mississippi Community College (wow) and was drafted by the Blazers with the 22nd pick in the 2002 draft. He pled guilty to animal cruelty in 2005 after it was discovered that he had been staging dogfights in his house, usually involving his dogs Hollywood and Sugar [insert Mike Vick joke]. After being convicted, cut and traded, he joined Knicks just in time to play in the shitstorm that was the Larry Brown era in New York. Luckily, he was prepared for this as he had previously been a part of the Steve Paterson Blazers which collectively managed to get in trouble for sexual assault, street racing, punching each other in the face, spousal abuse, assault, rape, unlawful possession of a weapon, driving under a suspended license, and calling Maurice Cheeks a “nigger.” All of this happened after they got rid of Rasheed Wallace, Jeff McInnis and Bonzi Wells.

Marc Jackson (Olympiakos)- Yelled “Unstoppable, Baby!” at the Dallas bench after making a meaningless lay-up in a 29-point loss to the Mavs.

Then there’s a whole crew of other NBA dropouts/non-draftees like Michael Batiste, Tony Delk and Terrence Roberts but more ridiculous is the list of players that played here at one point or another during their career.

Dominique Wilkins (1996 Greek Cup Tournament MVP)
Bob McAdoo (UNC grad)
Byron Scott
Antonio Davis
Scott Skiles
Eddie Johnson
John Salley (black guy with annoying laugh on Best Damn Sports Show Period…which sucks.)
Gerry McNamara (unspeakably ging)
Dino Radja (same name as pet dinosaur in The Flintstones)
Mike Jones
Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf (Muslim guy with Tourrete’s who refused to stand for the national anthem)
Ruben Patterson (recently demoted to LA Clippers)
Rolando Blackman (not Renaldo Balkman)

The Greek Super League, where washed up 40-yr-old superstars, mediocre marginal role players, and spoiled pieces of shit go to delude themselves by winning effortlessly…and die.

February 14, 2008


Not to be confused with V-E Day when Germany, for the second straight world war, was castrated before the world (only to be outdone by the French who surrendered to the douches without a fight) nor with V-Day, the Vag Mo-Mo-Mo-Monologue inspired international movement against violence towards women (on a related note I met a chick last weekend who said completely seriously, "sometimes the guy just needs to hit the girl"). No... I'm talking about the real meaning of this day, the one that so many have forgotten...

So while others are eating their chocolate or condemning violence towards women, I'm going to be thinking about a special day when a special girl approached me at my locker and said, "Hey Phil, I got your carnation." And then Nick D. lost it.

To Phil's Second Stalker: Would you like to jingle my winter balls?
Love: Phil

There are so many more classics I want to write here, but I know I would forget some or misquote, so I'll leave those to all of you.