January 28, 2008

Quick Facts About My Roommate

He is conservative, gamer/nerd, from Greenwich, Mediocrecut.

He raises his hand in class as if being called on depended on whether or not his fingertips break the sound barrier.

He wakes up at 6:45 for an 8:30 class.

He is an avid fan of show tunes, and especially loves Into the Woods. (Noonan went to prom with Ali Greenfield).

He has impeccable posture.

He has referred to rock music as “too much.”

He attended a boarding school where the post prom activity was going back to the cafeteria for milk and cookies.

He always makes his bed.

He is excited about the coming release of the Sex and the City movie.

He loves The Notebook.

His favorite Sonic character is Tails.

January 16, 2008

Sweet Emotion

This Week's Signs of the Apocalypse (Football Edition)

Another list of ridiculous sports facts and figures. Thank God for Wikipedia.

- Rockies first baseman Todd Helton was the Quarterback at the University of Tennessee before Peyton Manning.

- Wes Welker holds the NCAA record for punt returns for tds in a career with 8.

- Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmanzadeh were teammates at Oregon State.

- Jason Taylor was home-schooled sophomore through senior years in high school.

- Brian Griese is 19th on the all time NFL passer rating list.

- Jeff Feagles received both a free family vacation as well as a new outdoor BBQ addition to his house in exchange for the jersey numbers 10 and 17 from Eli Manning and Plaxico Burress.

- When he first came to Notre Dame, Lou Holtz took the names off of the player's jerseys. They have not been put on since.

- Kerry Collins is 17th on the NFL career passing yardage list in front of guys like Phil Simms, Troy Aikman, Steve Young and Terry Bradshaw.

- Jets QB Kellen Clemens' 60.9 passer rating is the 7th lowest in the league since 2000.

- Saints coach Sean Payton, Vikings coach Brad Childress, Broncos coach Mike Shanahan and Tony Romo all attended Eastern Illionois University.

- Since entering the NFL, Reggie Bush has the same number of touchdowns as fumbles (10).

- Kordell Stewart has 6 career punts.

- Boise State has a higher overall winning percentage than Penn State in football.

- Ladanian Tomlinson has a career completion percentage of 72.7 with 7 touchdown passes.

-Chad Pennington has the second highest career completion percentage in the history of the NFL.

January 14, 2008


I did it. I fucking did it.

On Friday, Janurary 11th 2008 at approximately 3pm I marched my long haired, paled skined, blue eyed Russian ass into Taco Bell. I met the Indian cunt rag himself, Moni, face to face for the first time since he took two cheap, girly swings at my face; and ya know what that cock sucker did? NOTHING. That fucker took my order, made it with his mexican slaves, filled my drink, bagged it and got me fucking hot sauce.

It was raining on this Friday, and I was working a long shift at the glorious petland discounts.
I'll admit, some days while slaving to keep creatures neat and odorless I CRAVED a nice, fresh, hot, delicious taco (pun intended.) I will also admit that I had made a previous attempt at getting tacos and I pussied out; but this time was different.

I waltzed into, "The Bell," (I hear this is what the regulars call it) and made sure that if I was going to do this that I was going to go all out. I kept my head up so that dirty redskin shit face would look me in the eye. I was fucking hungry and I was making sure that the only walking shit colored and scented human would be serving me.

I walked to the counter and already had in my mind the order I was going to place; but poo poo face was on the phone.

"One minute buddy."

One minute buddy...I didn't think so...

"No, I'm in a hurry, I have to go back to work."
"One minute buddy."

This guy calls himself a buisness man? Telling ME ONE FUCKING MINUTE BUDDY? Is this for real? I'm the only guy in the dumb and this asshole thinks he can tell me to wait one minute while he makes sure his overweight whale of a wife isn't making tacos for some other cunt at the other taco bell in yorktown? I didn't think so, and I didn't hesitate. I began to exit the establishment. I took about six steps towards the door when his pea sized brain realized what was going on. I heard him say some bullshit in indian or chinese or french or whatever that fucking taco architect speaks, and then get my attention.

"Buddy, Buddy come back come back."

I spun around and made eye contact with the sperm sponge.

"Can I order now or you gunna make me wait longer?"

I was scared. He could snap at any minute. What if he recognized me? What would I do? I made sure to be more aware than Eli Manning is at his post game interviews.

"Yes yes I'm sorry buddy what can I get for you?"

I ordered a pair of baja chalupas and watched THE LISP do what he does best. I have to give it to him, Moni knows how to make a fucking taco, and he knows how to do it with speed. He finished my creations, and had one of his mexican minions fill my soda. I paid and left, it was as simple as that. I had won; and I plan on going BACK.

Four years later I came, I saw, I ordered TACOS.

January 9, 2008

Stuff That Happened

During a short trip to scenic Montreal, Canadia some shit happened.

Nick D. managed to embarrass any group with which he is even remotely associated. His retardities and series of absurd actions include puking in Noonan’s sleeping bag, and then dumping the tainted bag on a random street corner. Despite all of this, Nick D managed to post a miraculous 2% right count. This, however, is most likely due to the fact that he audibly agreed with what other people had to say in order to throw off the statistician. That pre/post sleep-shit-taking, cherry-wheat-loving, poutine-ordering motherfucker.
Veg made few friends on this trip as Julia’s lone existent, and perpetually wrecked roommate called him either “bitch” or “vag” for most of the trip…that is until she eventually stopped talking to him after he repeatedly called her best friend gay and refused to back down. Oh, veeja also stormed into a club only to call some self-obsessed douchebag a faggot.
Then there is Smilo’s phantom roommate, the Snake. This guy was dubbed so partly because he strokes his little reptile all day long without ever leaving his room, but mostly because his name is Jake.
One night, Newman, fueled by at most 3 beers, came up to me and screamed “I used to play quarterback!” while donning a smirk that would’ve made embarrassed even Steve Smith. Moments later, he was vomiting full spaghetti probably because Nick D somehow managed to cook it so as to render it completely indigestible. Also, he didn’t use enough sauce. That fucking asshole.
After remembering Target’s rechristening of Noonan, he was henceforth introduced as Keith for the rest of the trip. At one point he slipped on the sidewalk (fuckin Canadians are apparently opposed to cleaning their sidewalks) and fell so spectacularly on his back that all the passing middle schoolers, old peeps, dalai lamas, and even the bouncer of a nearby strip club had to come out to taunt him. Classic Keith.
To say that Julia cock-blocked Smilo’s roommate Max is to say that Nick D is barely fallible.
Lots of random shit was witnessed, including a wrecked and pong-proficient Mike Court, an impeccable French-speaking, female version of Biggie Smalls, a pack of d-bags from the ODJ, a ridiculous ging, and yet another random guy wanting on Veg’s d. Still, the only thing that was proven beyond a reasonable doubt is that Nick D is a big, dumb idiot.