December 20, 2008

Google This

So recently it has become pretty clear that plenty of people are reaching bonsai by googling their names and stumbling upon all the vile, immature shit we (mostly Bean really) have written about them. Still, this is why bonsai was created so I’m gonna go ahead and write some random ass, possibly borderline creepy (following in Bean’s footsteps) stuff about random people. Also, I’ll throw in some of the bonsai regulars.

Ken Ijichi- This kid used to be completely unintelligible. I remember him dealing hands of blackjack in the cafeteria to several non-existent players while intermittently shouting phrases in what I hope was an actual language. Also, during my sophomore season on the JV soccer team, he would roam around the field with a shopping cart filled with random shit until, somehow, our coach noticed his ridiculous intensity. Logically, he became our starting sweeper as soon as he was eligible. Not three minutes into his first game a ball came straight at him…and he punched it. He did not receive any more playing time. 

Kristen Meenah- Despite having my locker be directly next to hers from 6th grade on, I don’t think we ever had a conversation. I don’t know jack shit about her and doubt that I’m even spelling her name correctly.

Steve Smith- If this motherfucker’s facebook updates don’t routinely make you want to choke on your own vomit then you are brain dead. 

Sophia Huang- Does she have interests?

Jimmy Adamo- My only real memory of him is at some Hutch party where he was sitting in a plastic chair, wearing a beater and booting for a few hours next to the pool.

Kirsten Quinn- How hot was this chick back in the day? Bean might want to dan ponder creating a list of hotties that left Somers prior to reaching their prime. Another candidate: Alyssa Mosca.

Tim Pruiett- Despite his overall appearance and nonexistent personality there was a point in his life where he was routinely banging the very definition of hotness, and that’s gotta count for something. She was so unbelievably hot that we all felt perfectly fine acting like complete stalkers about it, even when called out by Zeinoun. Freshman year, Toscano would put the attendance to our Bio class on the floor so that she would be forced to bend down when she came to pick it up. That kind of shit was his corey forte.

Dan Toscano- His relevance completely ashley petered out once he was no longer providing Jackie Notter related material for our 14 year old brains to salivate (and ejaculate) about. On a related note, if DN had JNs?

Newman- He is scared of horses.

Taylor Rochestie- Don’t know much about him but I hear he is a close friend of Nick D.

December 15, 2008

Oh, George

and i just had to add this for the hell of it

November 20, 2008


Yo guys, what's going on?

Long time no see. Yeah, my bust.

Life's been different. We're almost graduating (one year - please go slowly), and before we know it we'll be knee deep in corporate crap, s'ing d's for $$. Is this appealing to anyone? Not really. College right now is the place to be. Why? Well the job market is horrible. Plus D-Bon is home in Somers every week (I drive by him daily - no comment). So there's really no incentive to be home right now other than to go to Taco Bell, stop by the high school, or hang around and check out what Max is doing with his life. Fuck the real world, man. College is the epitome of human existence. I'm talking hard partying, sex with chicks you never would have stood a chance with in the real world, and finally being able to tear on kids without having to worry about Linda Horisk's "Zero Tolerance" policy.

We all know our first year was epic. New environment. Hot chicks. Mad booze. Awkward conversations in person - "Hey, we're friends on facebook, right?". Freshman year is like a post-masturbation orgasm. I'm talking the kind where, in high school, a girl comes over, you make out a bit, but don't bone, then she leaves, and you've got a fat wood, so you just let it all out - It's short, sweet, and powerful. And after, you really don't have anything to compare it to. Since then, things haven't compared. They've been good, yes, but not great. Nothing parallels the freshman experience, except maybe senior year. We'll see. Who knows. What I do know is, is that everyone is fucking weird. And I mean really fucking weird.

I don't know if it's just me, but when we graduated, I feel as if everyone was kind of on the same plane within a group of friends - same interests, same activities, etc. But as we meet up later on in life, and see where college has taken us, shit starts popping up about people that you never expected, and dudes stop fronting and let out their real selves. Like D-Bon finally telling people he's gay (although his facebook says he likes women - what the fuck man). Or Kamer finally letting his earthy side go nuts (he goes camping a lot now).

How long will this shit last? It's chill being yourself, and god knows I respect that, but it's ridiculous to go through a self-revelation in four years of college all to just enter the real world and completely revert to conformity. What do I mean by that? Example: said girl gets tattoos all over her body during college, tongue ring, nip rings, etc. She's about to graduate, has good g rades, wants to make dough, and applies for a job at Goldman Sachs. Oh fuck - you mean they don't hire chicks that look like hookers? Or look like they haven't showered for months because they've been too busy camping/making granola/listening to emo music?

Fuck that man. Hell yeah I'd wear flanels every day, or t-shirts that show two mice fucking a piece of cheese (Thinnies), but why waste my money on that shit if in three years I will never be able to rock it again. Maybe it's my jew nose speaking - I don't know - but my head's in the future, and my hand is in my back pocket. I'm not droppin bones to feel good for four years unless its well spent on medicinal drugs. Be yourself on the inside. Enjoy college. And if you dont plan on hitting up NYC or some other major business job when yuo graduate, wear whatever the fuck you want.

I'm out.

November 13, 2008

Change (the non-Obama kind)

      Carolina is 7-2, the Jints are 8-1, and the Rangers are atop the Eastern Conference (for those who give a shit the Jets are a legit 6-3) but perhaps the most impressive team right now, is the New York Knickerbockers. 
      Seriously though, only eight games in and they’ve already got 22% of the total wins they had last year. To me, the fact that they’ve actually managed to go this long without having a major breakdown is at least a testament to the fact that Isaiah Thomas is getting better at selecting the chicks he routinely sexually harasses. Maybe it’s just that the Oakland Raiders have recently usurped our post, ending the Knicks’ run as the most embarrassing sports franchise, but I feel good about this season.
       Chris Duhon is (as much as it pains me to say it) playing relatively respectably (4.7 A/TO), Zach Randolph is at least moving, and if all goes well Stephon Marbury and Eddy Curry will soon be killed by some foreign virus Danilo Gallinari brought over with him. I’m pretty sure that’s why we got him anyway. Shit, we even dropped 132 points on Memphis today. Yea, I know it’s Memphis.
       I’m not saying we’re gonna make the playoffs, or even be good, but surely this team is a fuck of a lot better than last year’s and could still prove to be watchable. A 500 record is attainable as long as David Lee gets some floor time and Wilson Chandler doesn’t remember who he actually is. Plus, the Knicks are a long term project and all we really have to do is play well enough and clear the cap space to lure LeBron in two years.
       Yes it’s ridiculous that the possibility of a somewhat respectable season is actually exciting, but bearable New York basketball is something we haven’t seen in a while. Think about it, the last time we had a winning season, Jeff Van Gundy was the head coach, Bean hadn’t yet roofed that Kev U. mini banana, and Bush II had approval ratings hovering around the mid 80s. So believe it, this team is capable of mediocrity, but it’s not gonna come easily.

Who the fuck am I kidding, this team blows and no one watches NBA basketball.

November 8, 2008

Presidential Rhetoric

If we learn nothing else from the recent election, let us learn the value of an inspiring speech. Yes, the country was fed up with eight years under the Bush regime. Yes, Obama's policies are more promising than McCain's. But, really, what it comes down to is this: there is going to be a Neeg in the White House come January, and the primary reason is that he could get peeps fired up.

This brought to mind another presidential election that took place roughly four years ago in which one of the candidates won solely on the grounds that he was able to rouse the crowd with a meaningless, under-prepared speech. To be fair, though, he was running against Greg Falco. Here it is...

Other notable student speeches:
- Juan's "Number of times..." Speech
- Kamer's "Forget about game" Speech
- Arpon's Student Council Speech (what was it about again? i just remember it being good)
- Olmetti's "Recess-Braveheart" Speech
- Dave Bazzano's "There's an alligator in my pants" Speech
- Jackie Pizzimenti's "Video Killed the Radio Star" Speech
- Plichta's "I'm not gonna promise you pizza parties and ice cream" Speech[es] (there might have been more than one... do any of you remember these? They were painful to sit through)
- Danny O'Shea's "One Time" Speech
- Mike Choi's "I really don't have a speech" Speech (my personal favorite)
- and of course... Kratschmer's "I eat the crusts first" Speech

November 3, 2008


Barack is paying 1/9 in Vegas right now, so I thought I would repost this.


September 21, 2008

Why Sarah Palin is Totally Awesome

  1. Because being the corrupt mayor of a town with less than half the population of Somers, thousands of miles from reality is enough preparation for the Vice-Presidency
  2. Because the Vice-Presidential mansion would look much better with a mounted Moose head over the fireplace.
  3. Because if you say the polar bear is endangered, she will sue you.
  4. Because the Senate is sure to be pounded into submission by Alaska's 1984 “Miss Congeniality”
  5. Because wouldn’t you want $150 bones, per kill, to hunt wolves from helicopters?
  6. Because no true conservative’s resume would be complete without opposing at least one environmental protection bill. See Alaska Clean Water Act.
  7. Her credentials as Sportscaster at the world renowned KTUU-TV  of Anchorage are sure to come in handy when the Senate calls in Sammy Sosa to check up on his English, only to find out that he knows suspiciously less than he did last time.
  8. Because public schools need to spend more time covering the essentials of creationism.
  9. Because rape victims should have to pay for their own rape kits, I mean this isn’t Cuba.
  10. I guess naming kids Trig and Track is legit
  11. Because you shouldn’t be allowed to read certain books.
  12. Because $442 million for a pair of bridges, one of which leads to an island of 50 (fifty) people, is money well spent when compared to the Mr. Miller beeions of dollars spent every nanosecond in Iraq.
  13. Because foreign leaders will be too busy staring at her rack to realize she is completely brain dead.
  14. Because Alaska and the Panama Canal Zone are heart and soul of America.
  15. Cause fuck Roe v Wade; she’s smart enough to recognize that having a grandson that’s only a year younger than her son will help in expanding nepotism to the next generation. Seriously though, when McCain dies from life failure she could fire enough people to give nearly all of her future illegitimate grandkids high profile government jobs. 

August 26, 2008

Half Past Wrecked

Steven Seagal in his new Hollywood adventure

August 12, 2008

Shit I Found While Cleaning Up My Room

Some things make 'em smaller, others make it bigger. At the bottom, the first sentence of the promo reads “Like Rafael Palmeiro, Viagra has some impressive stats.” Also in that paragraph "So do what Rafael did."

A Steve Matson creation, this was put up in the senior cafeteria during the last day of school.

Despite its ridiculous history nerd rating, I cannot take credit for this social pyramid which is part of a longer document which contains the following segments:

Sec. 2 Bill of Rights
1. The right to bear arms
2. The right to chew tobacco products
3. No freedom of speech
4. Serfs have no rights

Sec. 3 ... on every third full moon taking place on a Tuesday, there shall be a kingdom-wide carnival in which every fourth serf is sacrificed and everyone else gets wrecked.

This is the envelope one kid put my tip in when I worked at Kiwi. No, I did not have Block.

If you were ever in a court of law and asked to prove precisely how monstrous of a douche Phil is and how big of a dumb idiot Nick D. is , all you would have to do was present this, the birthday card they jointly gave me for my 18th birthday. Every single piece of this Vincent Cutignola waste of paypa is so thoroughly infuriating that I had to clutch my chest and take some ibuprofen immediately upon finding it. First off, why am I being shit on by Geoffrey, the Toys R' Us mascot of all beings? Secondly, why would I ever need a a piece of shit, I-drew-this-in-the-car-on-the-way-over rendition of what Mike J, Tiger Woods, Heinz Ward, and Short Round would look like if you combined them into one supremely semi-asian, gwkc machine. OK maybe thats forgivable. Lastly, the fact that its blatantly obvious that Nick D. contributed absolutely nothing to this is disturbing in two ways. One, Phil produced all the douche juice for this embarrassment and two, Nick D. was so big and dumb so as to not see how idiotic the whole production was.

August 2, 2008

Remembering the Hometown

In the time before Facebook, even before Bonsai, there was the AOL Hometown page. Many of these aren't what they used to be, but they're still worth a look.








Nov 1

Nov 2

So there you have it: more evidence that we're big losers...

...especially Novosel.

July 23, 2008


Personal Hells

He’s no angel, so he will be in an Olympic sized wave pool surrounded by giant horses being jockeyed by Will D’angelo clones, all within a giant Imax dome alternating between showing only the longest, least engaging movies of all time and a 1-on-1 soccer game between Nick T and Neils Bohr. Also, his chest literally hurts. Newman is afraid of horses.

He is not allowed to cut his hair or fix his hat, constantly loses his phone, is forced to stick to a 4 sentence maximum for stories, and must hang out exclusively with either a pack of NYU Asians or his (2nd) stalker.

Nick D:
Every night he has to watch videos of T-Fresh interacting with her current boyfriend and is forced to go to sleep without taking a dump.

He is forced to tell everyone he meets that he has the same car as Steve Contrata and must legally change his name to Old Keith. Also, his bed is puked on every night by Nick D (a gag reflex from watching those videos) who will deny it fervently despite irrefutable evidence.

He is adopted by (and only allowed to chill with) the Swi family for the rest of eternity. He must also keep his current job.

He has to go back to Miller’s Public Affairs class which is now populated by 15 lead singers from Coldplay and 15 Savy Lang clones seating alternately and must correctly redo all of the mods while Walker routinely walks in and catches him doing the robot. For this, he is punished by having to attend the world’s largest flea market/tag sale with Dennis and the whole Kolaj family. Also, every vendor is making Noah’s ark jokes and DiPaolo, to no one’s surprise but Noah’s, is constantly in earshot.

He has to accompany Noah on all his stygian endeavors (the flea market is in the ODJ) but cannot laugh or make any comment unless it’s “Hey Dennis, what about this? It’s 15% off!” Also, he gets blueballed every single night and wakes up the next morning without remembering what he said/did.

July 15, 2008

Top 10 Hotties - SHS class of 2006

Nye Nye Dan Leyh

June 28, 2008

Look- A -Likes (5th Edition)

- Mr. Papalia vs. Former Met Manager Bobby Valentine

- Tila Tequila vs. Gizmo

- Brewer Pitcher Eric Gagne vs. Seth Rogen

- Nationals Outfielder Willy Mo Pena vs. Redskin RB Clinton Portis

- Will Ferrell vs. Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith

- New York Governor David Patterson vs. Mets pitcher Pedro Feliciano

- Dane Cook vs. Singer Gavin Degraw

- Brett Favre vs. Philadelphia Phillie Geoff Jenkins

- Italian Goalie Gianluigi Buffon vs. this guy from a bunch of TV shows when we were younger

- Monterrey Jack from Rescue Rangers vs. Asher Krassner

June 25, 2008

I Don't Have a Job

While this isn’t really news to anybody, especially to those who have not seen me since I shaved my dealer stache, it has become an issue. Two full weeks of sitting on my ass until 5 o’clock have made me a desperate, pathetic person.

First off, I have become a facebook stalker to the point that even Newman might feel disgusted.


The appearance of the same perpetually stoned black guy previously featured on bonsai could to the untrained eye signal that Steve Smith has actually made a friend. Realistically though, upon finding out what this dude was wearing for Halloween, he bought a Fred (pussy) costume and followed him around until he was high enough to pose for a picture. This classic, from the album “Knicks Preseason Game and Halloween,” immediately brings up the question: Who the fuck goes to Knicks preseason games? The idea of Stephon Marbury and Zach Randolph giving even less of a shit about their jobs is so depressing that watching those videos of Shaun Eng is actually uplifting by comparison. Their defensive effort must be so pathetic that even a certain squad headed by Will Smith could drive to the basket. Any thoughts Will?


Secondly, I am so routinely bored that one day I actually agreed to accompany Kamer to his 3 and a half hour history class at Purchase. I was, however, completely unprepared for the absurd crew that made up his class.


  • A gay version of P4
  • The over anxious participant or Greg Falco character- It's too bad he was never asked to read out loud.
  • Black guy from Bro Rape video
  • Pack of old peeps- sat together in the corner and talked about the flu or Medicare or the Polo Grounds or whatever else ridiculously old people talk about
  • Herman- A partially blind, middle-aged guy who looks like former Colombian goalkeeper Rene Higuita with a Fu Manchu who was accompanied by his Seeing Eye dog and had apparently lost 50 bones on a bet during a previous class

Thirdly, I've had time to fully realize something that was brought up collectively by Newman, Smilo and myself. Fact: Steve Smith, Will Smith, Jared Smilowitz, and Noah Sandberg all have girlfriends. What the fuck are the rest of us doing? Aside from making creepy posts such as this, that is.

Lastly, not having a job sucks because I’m not like Paps, I not gonna beat off 8 times a day.

June 12, 2008

DeVitos, DiPaolos and Grandes, oh my!

Things we're not letting Noah talk about anymore:

  • Middleton, his baseball team, and his antics
  • The creation of the Heinzinger action figure
  • People from high school he's never going to talk to again, and coming to terms with it
  • Civil law with Mrs. Banino
  • People talking about his wang
  • Lori Ruth
  • Baseball Tonight
  • Todd Pratt and the jack he hit
  • His hatred of John Armato
  • Baseball Max ("sees fo sees")
  • Jose Reyes talking
  • The shit in his basement
  • His Subarus (Fred, Ethel, and the late Ginger)
  • Kamer driving home with "The Thing hands"
  • Trapasso, Walker, McDonnell, Dentato, Ullman
  • Bean's stepdad
  • Olmetti
  • Mark Bernier - is he a beast?
  • Handshakes
  • 7-Eleven runs
  • Block "riding a rickshaw"
  • Any member of the Rexhepi family

On a related note, I never want to hear Phil talk about Mark Korosi again.

June 7, 2008

A Few Highlights From A Semester Abroad

A Virginia country old boy was courted by a local painter and convinced to be drawn shirtless and with unbuttoned pants…as a centaur.

A 21 year old ODJ survivor danced in an internet café in Olympia with a 16 year old German boy.

A Canadian, who claimed to have been drugged, thought the bus was leaving without him, at 4am, so he ripped off the windshield wiper and broke the side window. He then spent the night in a Greek prison.

After a semester of constantly hosting Monday parties, breaking furniture, leaving mounds of garbage in the living room, and having the police called on them, 4 guys were evicted from their apartment for adopting a stray dog.

After a full night of drinking, 3 guys went out to strip clubs on a Saturday night, only to realize it was technically Easter Sunday.

4 guys were strip searched at a train station in Germany after being too high to successfully smuggle shrooms from Amsterdam into Berlin.

I awoke one morning in a hostel in a different neighborhood of Athens, sharing a room with seven other people I didn’t know.

A gang of 17-year olds punched my roommate in the face.

Another one of my roommates also punched that roommate in the face.

Prior to this, that roommate was voted “most likely to get punched in the face.”

I found myself in a van with 9 of the most absurdly Asian people I had ever seen in my life. Picture the Asian chick that was outside the abortion clinic in the movie Juno, but 9 times. So mathematically inclined and tiny-penised was this crew that Mike Choi himself would have had some serious trouble matching up with their oriental credentials. Such a squad could cancel out the collective badassness of Babe Ruth, Kimbo Slice, the entire Rat Pack, Vince Vaughn in Swingers , and an 8th grade Alex Olmetti mid-anti-lacrosse-Braveheart speech. Were any of these piano-playing, car-crashing, nerds to ever try to deny their natural attraction to hentai, pokemon, and bright, flashing lights they would stand about as good of a chance of succeeding as Nick D. in a job interview for the position of fact checker at the New York Times. Also, one of them had a mullet.

May 24, 2008

Old Noonan?

Yes, this is Sarah Birdsall. Once you get past that, take a look at the fella on the right.

May 23, 2008


i'll believe it when i see a picture of your cousin duck-taping Patrick Ewing's dick to his leg.

May 9, 2008

A Tale of Two Cities

I went on a couple of road trips this semester, one to Montreal over spring break and one to D.C. a few weeks later. Looking back upon these trips, I realized that my experiences in each city reflected fairly accurately the identity of the city itself.

The Montreal visit began on St. Patrick’s Day with dinner at a French-Canadian existentialist café called “L’etranger,” where our server, a drunk, crazy ginger, denied Smilowitz the BBQ sauce that he was promised on the menu. Later on, at the local Irish pub, we encountered the same ginger waitress who Smilo then proceeded to hit on the remainder of the evening addressing her only as “BBQ sauce.” The Montreal afternoons were bitterly cold and, therefore, consisted primarily of sleeping, playing "darts" with Umair, and playing Pokemon Snap for Nintendo 64. We spent our final night at Brutopia where we drank quality Canadian beer for 11 hours straight, played shuffleboard, listened to hippie chick and Rasta dude jam, and met some uggos who were also on spring break from NYU.
After Brutopia and a failed search for poutine, we found a knocked-over parking meter, which we decided to carry the ten plus blocks back to Smilo’s with the intention of smuggling it back into the U.S. But with a few blocks to go, some Canadian guy started to follow us.

“Hey boys, where’d ya get that sign, eh?”
“We found it on the street.”
“A lot of police driving around here at this time… you might wanna put it down, eh?”
(By the way it’s 4:45 am; there are no cops anywhere nearby)
“I’m not too worried about it.”
“I think you should put it down, or I might have to call the police myself, eh.”

We froze. I laughed. Is this guy serious? We continued to walk, but he continued to follow and started to dial. I was ready to call his bluff but my friend who was helping me carry the heavy meter dropped his end and we peaced. We circled the block once figuring the guy would be gone and we could pick it up again. But no, he was still on the phone with the police standing tall with Canadian pride over the felled parking meter. Once again, it’s 4:45 am.

The D.C. trip also proved to be a good time, even though it started with us getting pulled over, while listening to 99 problems, for blocking the intersection. In D.C., we spent most of our time in the GWU neighborhood which, although very nice, wouldn’t sell beer after 10:00pm. Since the weather was much better than it is in either New York or Montreal at the same time of year, we decided to play some pick up football next to the Vietnam Memorial our whole second day there. We were short on players so we recruited some local black guys who were about our size… and then realized all but one of them were sophomores in high school. And the one who wasn’t a sophomore was a five-foot tall, 100 pound 12 year-old named V.J. who had moves like you wouldn’t believe. I’m talking “you-tube highlight reel before he’s even out of high school” kind of moves, so I can’t say I was ashamed when he opened up shop on our asses.
That night we went to a famous diner just outside the city. Our waiter was a fat, wrinkly, creepy-looking, pale old white guy with homosexual tendencies whose gut was bulging out of his tight polo shirt fit for a 15 year-old Gap male model. When our food was taking long to come, he apologized and explained to us that some men had sat at the counter and were ordering directly from the cooks. He pointed at the men, some African-American fellows, and frustratingly mumbled, “They’re messing up all the orders… I wish I had some lighter fluid.” To this we responded with nervous smiles and then got the fuck out of there.

Montreal is a nice city, but it’s still in Canada.
D.C. is most certainly part of the South.
No one likes Charles Dickens.
Photographing Pokemon is the highest artistic pursuit of man.
Black peeps can fuckin’ ball… end of story.

April 26, 2008



Can't find any side profile photos, so I don't know if he still has the THING growing on his ear.

Either way, Poon is a sick preverted fuck and I enjoyed every minute of looking at his facebook.

April 13, 2008

Look- A -Likes (4th Edition)

-Denver Nugget Carmelo Anthony vs. Tennessee Titan Lendale White

- Tiger Woods vs. Milwaukee Buck T.J. Ford

- Boxing analyst Max Kellerman vs. Red Sox GM Theo Epstein

- Around The Horn Host Tony Reali vs. Rob Sanzillo

- Utah Jazz's Andre Kirilenko vs. an emu

- Rosie O'Donell's girlfriend Kelli Carpenter vs. Kate Cannon

- March Madness phenom Stephen Curry vs. a young A-Rod

- Ohio State Freshman Kosta Koufos vs. a bald eagle

- NCAA President Miles Brand vs. the old guy from the E-Harmony commercials

- Yankee Legend Bernie Williams vs. Arthur

- Chicago Bull Larry Hughes vs. former New England Patriot Ty Law

- Baseball icon Don Zimmer vs. Jabba the Hutt

April 11, 2008

Oh Boy.

Prior to watching this video, I had completely forgotten about Poop's existence.

P.S. Brazeil found this video.
P.P.S. What the fuck?

April 8, 2008

March Pissed-the-fuck-off-ness

Of the people I'm friends with on Facebook that filled out a bracket, I was bested by the following...

Rob Antonentz: I don't really have much to say here, Rob A filled out a good bracket. But, for good measure, Dipping Sauce.

Rich Abate:
REALLY? Rich Abate? Does he keep college basketball analysts in that bodybag of a backpack? I win in the end though, because even I've got a better haircut than him.

Mike Hart:
When you've got a personality as exciting as folding laundry, I suppose you've gotta have something going for you. As long as he keeps wrecking Tuosto in soccer I've got no problem.

Ryan Diterichs:
This bracket was clearly filled out by a robot, as Ryan D is a mere myth.

Bryan Smith:
The lone Canadian on the list. This bracket loses all credibility, because, as previously mentioned, he's a Canuck.

Troy Donohue:
Always does well in pools, but this year it's easily explained - he transferred to a school with legit b-ball and rode them to success. Loses out because he's friends with Steve Smith.

Justin Windman:
How did this happen? If he keeps his shirt on when he plays soccer from now on, I'll overlook this.

Chris Thumen:
Too bad his soulless school lost in the second round. Fuck the Bundesliga.

Todd Rosenbaum:
WHAT?! I don't know if winning MVP 3 years ago went to his head, but the kid willingly spends time with Chris Gross. I'm too upset to talk about this.

Andrew Becker:
Kid I went to Hebrew School with. Last I saw him, he was pretending to have sex with a sprinkler. I imagine things haven't changed much.

Ashley Peters:
This one caught me off-guard. Only girl up here (MIH Kate Cannon was up there for a while until she realized that she was no longer MIH), so I guess respect? But when it comes down to it, I would.

Jason Anton:
Another Hebrew School clown. Actually had my Bar Mitzvah with this kid, and though he was much smarter than me, I owned shit on the big day. Now he goes to Princeton, so in my mind he's Carlton Banks (from the earlier seasons).

Tripp Kerrigan:
Favorite team listed as Wisconsin. Any logical explanation for this?

Mike Arita:
I just want to take this opportunity to announce to the world that Jones works as a Chinese food delivery boy.

Nick DeBellis:
This big, dumb idiot beat me by a fucking point. Should have been disqualified outright for having Duke in the Final Four.

Matt Newman:
Despite all his shit-talking on my bracket, only beat me by a point. What can I say? The kid sucks mad D.

Juan Mendez:
This one was a tie, but I think I get the nod for having my needs satisfied most recently.

But all of this doesn't really matter in the end, all because of one fact - I beat Phil. The dumbass may not have filled out his bracket, but I'm still smarter than the salutatorian.

March 13, 2008


These videos were dug up by Sanzillo and Suraci. All I have to say is that you should watch them in their entirety. Enjoy.

March 12, 2008

What I Must Look Like to Customs, Embassy, and Consulate Officials

After having been denied entry into two countries (and indirectly the rest of Europe) in the past week, I realized that carrying a Colombian passport makes one look a little like this:

I realize, of course, that this is no different than the way any of you see me.

March 2, 2008

There IS a clear #1

With the NFL draft around the corner and experts everywhere saying there is no clear cut number one I thought it would be a great opportunity to explore the less than stellar "possible number one overall" draft picks, and then give you the REAL clear cut number one.

I'll start with the most obvious.

Darren McFadden

I like calling him Darren McFaggot. Sure, he ran an official 4.33 40-yard dash time at the NFL combine, but McFaggot is more overrated than Ron Dayne was. His vision is adequate at best, and he has less patience waiting for a hole to open than Isiah Thomas at a Knicks press conference. His questionable off the field character is something a lot of teams aren't willing to risk, especially with Bill Belichick's lap dog, I mean Roger Goodell, as the commissioner of the NFL. PLUS, what are the chances of there being back to back drafts with OUTSTANDING rookie running backs. Adrian Peterson won the NFC rushing title as a rookie in the 2007 season, (Brandon Jacobs of the Super Bowl Champion Giants EASILY would have gotten it had he not missed four games) and I really can't see anyone being able to contain Peterson for an entire game. The guy is going to be one of the best RB's ever. My point here is, fuck McFaggot, he shouldn't be number one, running backs are a dime a dozen.

Glenn Dorsey

He's fat, he's fast and he played for LSU. Defense wins championships, 17-14, but you have got to PROTECT your quarterback. This is why Michigan stand out Jake Long or rising star from Boise State Ryan Clady have a better chance of going number 1 over all than Dorsey does. QB's put butts in seats, and fat ugly men are the one's who protect them.

Matt Ryan

A LOT of experts are predicting that Ryan goes number one overall. Sure, he is the best QB available and Miami really really really really really really really really needs a quarterback, but I mean COME ON. MATT RYAN! MATT FUCKING RYAN! Miami has a LONG way to go before they can start winning games, especially with Buffalo having a legit playoff shot in the 08-09 season, and with Parcells running the show for the fins I really don't see this happening.

Now, you might being saying, "WHO THE FUCK IS LEFT?" I'll tell you, and I guarantee he goes #1 overall. Born August 4th, 1961 Standing at 6 feet and one half inch From ILLINOIS I GIVE YOU...


February 21, 2008

If J.M. could see him now...

Daniel J. Noonan is the most artistic person I know... excluding, of course, Angelo Letizia and Korren Knapp. Most of us are familiar with and appreciate his creative talents in music, charade clue writing, black-people dancing, and, in particular, drawing. However, many don't know that some of his earliest and most controversial works disappeared from the public record when a well-respected authority labeled them as pornography. Luckily, Noonan was able to avoid banishment from the art community, because these unsigned works were attributed to E-dog, son of the famous internet poker star Russ Dog. Only now, years after the scandal, do I feel it is safe to release these.

February 17, 2008

Everyone in the world just got CALLED OUT

If this bitch wants to throw bows, I'm game.

Notice how fucked up her face is, I bet she has AIDS. I also took notice to the drum kit in the background, what the fuck is up with that? I DIDN'T KNOW WHITE TRASH COULD AFFORD LUXURIES

Ballin' In The Balkans

After recognizing a few faces while watching Greek basketball game on T.V. , I decided to compile a short list of the borderline recognizable names that make up 90% of the players in the league who can actually dunk.

Reyshawn Terry (Aris)- Graduated from UNC last year to be drafted 44th overall by the Magic. He was then traded for the last pick in the draft and (not much) cash. He won a national title his sophomore year in stadium that can fit 70,000 people and now plays home games in a glorified gym that’s barely better the state prison-funded palace at Beacon High School.

Lonny Baxter (Panionios)- Graduated from Maryland the year they won the national title and was drafted 43rd overall by the Bulls. He was arrested in 2006 for firing a .40 caliber Glock within a few blocks of the White House and then again the following year for FedExing 4 guns to himself.

Qyntel Woods (Olympiakos)- Graduated from Northeast Mississippi Community College (wow) and was drafted by the Blazers with the 22nd pick in the 2002 draft. He pled guilty to animal cruelty in 2005 after it was discovered that he had been staging dogfights in his house, usually involving his dogs Hollywood and Sugar [insert Mike Vick joke]. After being convicted, cut and traded, he joined Knicks just in time to play in the shitstorm that was the Larry Brown era in New York. Luckily, he was prepared for this as he had previously been a part of the Steve Paterson Blazers which collectively managed to get in trouble for sexual assault, street racing, punching each other in the face, spousal abuse, assault, rape, unlawful possession of a weapon, driving under a suspended license, and calling Maurice Cheeks a “nigger.” All of this happened after they got rid of Rasheed Wallace, Jeff McInnis and Bonzi Wells.

Marc Jackson (Olympiakos)- Yelled “Unstoppable, Baby!” at the Dallas bench after making a meaningless lay-up in a 29-point loss to the Mavs.

Then there’s a whole crew of other NBA dropouts/non-draftees like Michael Batiste, Tony Delk and Terrence Roberts but more ridiculous is the list of players that played here at one point or another during their career.

Dominique Wilkins (1996 Greek Cup Tournament MVP)
Bob McAdoo (UNC grad)
Byron Scott
Antonio Davis
Scott Skiles
Eddie Johnson
John Salley (black guy with annoying laugh on Best Damn Sports Show Period…which sucks.)
Gerry McNamara (unspeakably ging)
Dino Radja (same name as pet dinosaur in The Flintstones)
Mike Jones
Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf (Muslim guy with Tourrete’s who refused to stand for the national anthem)
Ruben Patterson (recently demoted to LA Clippers)
Rolando Blackman (not Renaldo Balkman)

The Greek Super League, where washed up 40-yr-old superstars, mediocre marginal role players, and spoiled pieces of shit go to delude themselves by winning effortlessly…and die.

February 14, 2008


Not to be confused with V-E Day when Germany, for the second straight world war, was castrated before the world (only to be outdone by the French who surrendered to the douches without a fight) nor with V-Day, the Vag Mo-Mo-Mo-Monologue inspired international movement against violence towards women (on a related note I met a chick last weekend who said completely seriously, "sometimes the guy just needs to hit the girl"). No... I'm talking about the real meaning of this day, the one that so many have forgotten...

So while others are eating their chocolate or condemning violence towards women, I'm going to be thinking about a special day when a special girl approached me at my locker and said, "Hey Phil, I got your carnation." And then Nick D. lost it.

To Phil's Second Stalker: Would you like to jingle my winter balls?
Love: Phil

There are so many more classics I want to write here, but I know I would forget some or misquote, so I'll leave those to all of you.

January 28, 2008

Quick Facts About My Roommate

He is conservative, gamer/nerd, from Greenwich, Mediocrecut.

He raises his hand in class as if being called on depended on whether or not his fingertips break the sound barrier.

He wakes up at 6:45 for an 8:30 class.

He is an avid fan of show tunes, and especially loves Into the Woods. (Noonan went to prom with Ali Greenfield).

He has impeccable posture.

He has referred to rock music as “too much.”

He attended a boarding school where the post prom activity was going back to the cafeteria for milk and cookies.

He always makes his bed.

He is excited about the coming release of the Sex and the City movie.

He loves The Notebook.

His favorite Sonic character is Tails.

January 16, 2008

Sweet Emotion

This Week's Signs of the Apocalypse (Football Edition)

Another list of ridiculous sports facts and figures. Thank God for Wikipedia.

- Rockies first baseman Todd Helton was the Quarterback at the University of Tennessee before Peyton Manning.

- Wes Welker holds the NCAA record for punt returns for tds in a career with 8.

- Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmanzadeh were teammates at Oregon State.

- Jason Taylor was home-schooled sophomore through senior years in high school.

- Brian Griese is 19th on the all time NFL passer rating list.

- Jeff Feagles received both a free family vacation as well as a new outdoor BBQ addition to his house in exchange for the jersey numbers 10 and 17 from Eli Manning and Plaxico Burress.

- When he first came to Notre Dame, Lou Holtz took the names off of the player's jerseys. They have not been put on since.

- Kerry Collins is 17th on the NFL career passing yardage list in front of guys like Phil Simms, Troy Aikman, Steve Young and Terry Bradshaw.

- Jets QB Kellen Clemens' 60.9 passer rating is the 7th lowest in the league since 2000.

- Saints coach Sean Payton, Vikings coach Brad Childress, Broncos coach Mike Shanahan and Tony Romo all attended Eastern Illionois University.

- Since entering the NFL, Reggie Bush has the same number of touchdowns as fumbles (10).

- Kordell Stewart has 6 career punts.

- Boise State has a higher overall winning percentage than Penn State in football.

- Ladanian Tomlinson has a career completion percentage of 72.7 with 7 touchdown passes.

-Chad Pennington has the second highest career completion percentage in the history of the NFL.

January 14, 2008


I did it. I fucking did it.

On Friday, Janurary 11th 2008 at approximately 3pm I marched my long haired, paled skined, blue eyed Russian ass into Taco Bell. I met the Indian cunt rag himself, Moni, face to face for the first time since he took two cheap, girly swings at my face; and ya know what that cock sucker did? NOTHING. That fucker took my order, made it with his mexican slaves, filled my drink, bagged it and got me fucking hot sauce.

It was raining on this Friday, and I was working a long shift at the glorious petland discounts.
I'll admit, some days while slaving to keep creatures neat and odorless I CRAVED a nice, fresh, hot, delicious taco (pun intended.) I will also admit that I had made a previous attempt at getting tacos and I pussied out; but this time was different.

I waltzed into, "The Bell," (I hear this is what the regulars call it) and made sure that if I was going to do this that I was going to go all out. I kept my head up so that dirty redskin shit face would look me in the eye. I was fucking hungry and I was making sure that the only walking shit colored and scented human would be serving me.

I walked to the counter and already had in my mind the order I was going to place; but poo poo face was on the phone.

"One minute buddy."

One minute buddy...I didn't think so...

"No, I'm in a hurry, I have to go back to work."
"One minute buddy."

This guy calls himself a buisness man? Telling ME ONE FUCKING MINUTE BUDDY? Is this for real? I'm the only guy in the dumb and this asshole thinks he can tell me to wait one minute while he makes sure his overweight whale of a wife isn't making tacos for some other cunt at the other taco bell in yorktown? I didn't think so, and I didn't hesitate. I began to exit the establishment. I took about six steps towards the door when his pea sized brain realized what was going on. I heard him say some bullshit in indian or chinese or french or whatever that fucking taco architect speaks, and then get my attention.

"Buddy, Buddy come back come back."

I spun around and made eye contact with the sperm sponge.

"Can I order now or you gunna make me wait longer?"

I was scared. He could snap at any minute. What if he recognized me? What would I do? I made sure to be more aware than Eli Manning is at his post game interviews.

"Yes yes I'm sorry buddy what can I get for you?"

I ordered a pair of baja chalupas and watched THE LISP do what he does best. I have to give it to him, Moni knows how to make a fucking taco, and he knows how to do it with speed. He finished my creations, and had one of his mexican minions fill my soda. I paid and left, it was as simple as that. I had won; and I plan on going BACK.

Four years later I came, I saw, I ordered TACOS.

January 9, 2008

Stuff That Happened

During a short trip to scenic Montreal, Canadia some shit happened.

Nick D. managed to embarrass any group with which he is even remotely associated. His retardities and series of absurd actions include puking in Noonan’s sleeping bag, and then dumping the tainted bag on a random street corner. Despite all of this, Nick D managed to post a miraculous 2% right count. This, however, is most likely due to the fact that he audibly agreed with what other people had to say in order to throw off the statistician. That pre/post sleep-shit-taking, cherry-wheat-loving, poutine-ordering motherfucker.
Veg made few friends on this trip as Julia’s lone existent, and perpetually wrecked roommate called him either “bitch” or “vag” for most of the trip…that is until she eventually stopped talking to him after he repeatedly called her best friend gay and refused to back down. Oh, veeja also stormed into a club only to call some self-obsessed douchebag a faggot.
Then there is Smilo’s phantom roommate, the Snake. This guy was dubbed so partly because he strokes his little reptile all day long without ever leaving his room, but mostly because his name is Jake.
One night, Newman, fueled by at most 3 beers, came up to me and screamed “I used to play quarterback!” while donning a smirk that would’ve made embarrassed even Steve Smith. Moments later, he was vomiting full spaghetti probably because Nick D somehow managed to cook it so as to render it completely indigestible. Also, he didn’t use enough sauce. That fucking asshole.
After remembering Target’s rechristening of Noonan, he was henceforth introduced as Keith for the rest of the trip. At one point he slipped on the sidewalk (fuckin Canadians are apparently opposed to cleaning their sidewalks) and fell so spectacularly on his back that all the passing middle schoolers, old peeps, dalai lamas, and even the bouncer of a nearby strip club had to come out to taunt him. Classic Keith.
To say that Julia cock-blocked Smilo’s roommate Max is to say that Nick D is barely fallible.
Lots of random shit was witnessed, including a wrecked and pong-proficient Mike Court, an impeccable French-speaking, female version of Biggie Smalls, a pack of d-bags from the ODJ, a ridiculous ging, and yet another random guy wanting on Veg’s d. Still, the only thing that was proven beyond a reasonable doubt is that Nick D is a big, dumb idiot.