December 23, 2007

Analysing 4th Grade Earth Day Poetry

Ice Cubes
By Alex Simmonds
Ice cubes, ice cubes,
Made of water,
And now we taught her,
It can become solid.

Even at a young age Mr. Simmonds recognized the importance of including women in poetry. The deleted final couplet: "Yea baby, I want you so bad. I'm the only black guy in town, and trust me you'll be glad."

I Love Water
A Rap song by Jenna Costella
Yeah, I love water.
Trees wouldn’t be here.
Trees need water.
People need water.
That’s why I love water.
Water is good for you!!!!!!!!

With such brilliant, groundbreaking work at a very young age, it is no surprise that the precocious Ms. Costella went on to much greater projects.

Poison
By Rob Corrado, Ethan Kamer, and B.J. Eden
Poison poison is
very bad
Poison poison
makes me mad.
Poison poison is not good.
It’s all around in the neighborhood.
Poison poison – It’s in the bleachers.
Poison poison kills our creatures.

A classic. Probably written after a recess basketball game in which B.J. Eden, donning a Knicks jersey and lisping up a storm, demanded the ball every five seconds sincerely believing that he wasn't absolutely terrible. Also, Kamer was most likely high.

Icicles
By Alex Bean, Danny Triano, Philip Ponce de Leon, and Haruki Yamada.
In the winter something grows
from your rooftop in the cold.

They hang off roofs and other things.
A touch and they'll fall unless they
have wings.

These pointy things hang everywhere
If you're not careful they'll fall on your
hair.

At the bottom they're skinny, at the
top they're fat.
Icicles are cold and that is that!

First off, what the fuck is with this crew? The most likely scenario here is that Haruki, with even less command of the subtleties of language than a 9th grade Micheal Choi ("That's impossible I typed it.") , wrote the whole train wreck and the other three jokers slipped their names on it without him knowing. That is the only thing that would explain such a clumsy attempt at a semi-legitimate thought. "A touch and they'll fall unless they have wings?" Is Haruki fucking serious? Maybe there are flying plenty of winged icicles in shitty Japanese Hentai, fucking cartoon bitches in animation, but not here. Also, we know icicles are cold, don't act as if anybody is fuckin' saying otherwise.

An Untitled Masterpiece
By Dan Pond
Fresh water is is like
the key to life,
If there is no good
Drinking water, the door
Is still locked,
So if your family
Or your friends wan’t to
Live don’t pollute!!

Clearly, Pond has never really gotten out of the mindset that produced this piece of Hyperstudio poetry, which I'd like to point out was written in all caps. The verbiage is terrible, the simile is hackneyed crap, and how the fuck could you possibly think that "want" is a contraction of something? Seriously though 9-year-old Pond, your poem reads worse than David Totten with a stutter and hiccups. Also, do you really think that this shit is special enough to not need a title? Here's one : Random Shit I Wrote Down While Fantasizing About Asians.

After reading such crap, it is perhaps important to Dan Ponder George W. Bush's question:
"Is our children learning?"

4 comments:

It'sBonkaz said...

haha bj eden, man he was a lispin' mofo, hilarious.
I think this is my favorite post, fo' reals.

henry david thoreau said...

pond's poem contains the true wisdom of a lost wanderer in the woods. whether his sentiments are genuine or simply pretentious Daoist meanderings to impress the asians, it's hard to tell. either way i applaud his effort.

Anonymous said...

if there is poison in the bleachers does that mean nick mazzola has poison on his dick?

mr. berlin said...

hahahaha...absolutely