December 23, 2007

Analysing 4th Grade Earth Day Poetry

Ice Cubes
By Alex Simmonds
Ice cubes, ice cubes,
Made of water,
And now we taught her,
It can become solid.

Even at a young age Mr. Simmonds recognized the importance of including women in poetry. The deleted final couplet: "Yea baby, I want you so bad. I'm the only black guy in town, and trust me you'll be glad."

I Love Water
A Rap song by Jenna Costella
Yeah, I love water.
Trees wouldn’t be here.
Trees need water.
People need water.
That’s why I love water.
Water is good for you!!!!!!!!

With such brilliant, groundbreaking work at a very young age, it is no surprise that the precocious Ms. Costella went on to much greater projects.

By Rob Corrado, Ethan Kamer, and B.J. Eden
Poison poison is
very bad
Poison poison
makes me mad.
Poison poison is not good.
It’s all around in the neighborhood.
Poison poison – It’s in the bleachers.
Poison poison kills our creatures.

A classic. Probably written after a recess basketball game in which B.J. Eden, donning a Knicks jersey and lisping up a storm, demanded the ball every five seconds sincerely believing that he wasn't absolutely terrible. Also, Kamer was most likely high.

By Alex Bean, Danny Triano, Philip Ponce de Leon, and Haruki Yamada.
In the winter something grows
from your rooftop in the cold.

They hang off roofs and other things.
A touch and they'll fall unless they
have wings.

These pointy things hang everywhere
If you're not careful they'll fall on your

At the bottom they're skinny, at the
top they're fat.
Icicles are cold and that is that!

First off, what the fuck is with this crew? The most likely scenario here is that Haruki, with even less command of the subtleties of language than a 9th grade Micheal Choi ("That's impossible I typed it.") , wrote the whole train wreck and the other three jokers slipped their names on it without him knowing. That is the only thing that would explain such a clumsy attempt at a semi-legitimate thought. "A touch and they'll fall unless they have wings?" Is Haruki fucking serious? Maybe there are flying plenty of winged icicles in shitty Japanese Hentai, fucking cartoon bitches in animation, but not here. Also, we know icicles are cold, don't act as if anybody is fuckin' saying otherwise.

An Untitled Masterpiece
By Dan Pond
Fresh water is is like
the key to life,
If there is no good
Drinking water, the door
Is still locked,
So if your family
Or your friends wan’t to
Live don’t pollute!!

Clearly, Pond has never really gotten out of the mindset that produced this piece of Hyperstudio poetry, which I'd like to point out was written in all caps. The verbiage is terrible, the simile is hackneyed crap, and how the fuck could you possibly think that "want" is a contraction of something? Seriously though 9-year-old Pond, your poem reads worse than David Totten with a stutter and hiccups. Also, do you really think that this shit is special enough to not need a title? Here's one : Random Shit I Wrote Down While Fantasizing About Asians.

After reading such crap, it is perhaps important to Dan Ponder George W. Bush's question:
"Is our children learning?"

December 12, 2007

Where Are They Now?

Watching the Heisman presentation, the one where Tebow's dick was sucked by all, got me thinking about former Heisman winners. There are plenty of them that went on to win Super Bowls and even make it into the Hall of Fame, but there are also those past winners who pulled major Devitos when they got out of college. I have compiled a short list of former Heisman winners and other great college athletes that shit their pants after college. Lets see what they are up to these days.

Jason White
Why We Know Him - Former University of Oklahoma QB who won the Heisman Trophy in 2003
Where The Fuck Is He Now? - After nearly winning two Heisman trophies, White was not drafted and did not receive any tryout requests. Then the K.C. Chiefs held a tryout for him....after which he still wasn't signed. He then quit football citing "weak knees" hahaha. Just 4 years removed from winning the Heisman, he currently owns a sports memorabilia store.

Jared Zabransky
Why We Know Him - Former Boise State QB who led Boise to a win over Oklahoma in last seasons Fiesta Bowl (One of the best games ever in my opinion..if you don't agree then fuck you)
Where The Fuck Is He Now? - Despite being put on the cover of NCAA Football O8, Zabransky was not drafted. He was later signed by the Texans, then cut 2 months later. He is currently a practice squad all star for the Texans.

Chris Leak
Why We Know Him - Won the National Championship as Florida's QB.
Where The Fuck Is He Now? - After not getting drafted, he signed as a free agent with the Bears. He was cut in September in favor of Kyle Orton.(Ouch) Leak has since announced his intentions to play for team Florida in the AAFL, which is a pro league that requires its players to be college graduates.(I really wonder how they field any teams)

Eric Crouch
Why We Know Him - Won the Heisman in 2001 as Nebraska's QB.
Where The Fuck Is He Now? - After being drafted by the Rams as a WR, he went to the Packers to play QB, but left after Aaron Rodgers was drafted. He had short stints in NFL Europe and the CFL before retiring. He, along with Chris Leak, has signed on to play in the ridiculous AAFL.

Quincy Carter
Why We Know Him - Former NFL QB, lifelong drug addict.
Where The Fuck Is He Now? - After "retiring" from the NFL he spent some time in the CFL before being cut for what team reps say "A serious marijuana problem". Shortly after, he signed on to play in the AF2, the Arena Football League Minor Leagues.....yes the Arena League's Minor League affiliate. On November 29, 2007 Carter was admitted to Hanley Centher rehab Center.

Marcus Vick
Why We Know Him - Former Virginia Tech QB, Bro of Mike Vick.
Where The Fuck Is He Now? - After being dismissed by Va. Tech, he was signed as a free agent by the miserable Dolphins, but later released. After being dismissed from Va. Tech he was quoted as saying, "It's not a big deal. I'll just move on to the next level, baby." Vick has done nothing with his life since getting cut besides be a huge d bag. In June 2007 he was the defendant in a civil lawsuit on behalf of a 17 year old girl alleging they had a two year long relationship and Marcus Vick provided her alcohol and marijuana and asked her to have sex with other men.

December 8, 2007

December 4, 2007

Absurdities, Thoughts and Recycled Jokes

Why are all my econ assignments graded out of 12.5?

MTV recently aired a sing-a-long version of Legally Blonde: The Musical

Why is it necessary for a CVS brand tin of cashews to have the allergy warning “CONTAINS CASHEWS?”

A local commercial for “Better Basketball” instructional tapes claims that in the history of the game, no one has mastered the jump shot like J.J. Reddick.

Throughout my lifetime, multiple girls have asked me if guys wipe their dicks after they piss.

Play the Arpon-Brown-Wall Game! (admittedly, it’s a bit weak at only 60% right now)

Two things I may never witness in my lifetime:
1) Nick D being right (about anything).
2) Eli Manning not sneaking Jim Beam in-between snaps.

I kicked the crap out of San Antonio today in NBA Live 2000 with the 1999 New York Knicks. The starting five: Ward, Camby, Ewing, Houston, and Post-choke/Pre-“I have a family to feed” Spreewell. Those were the days.

Isaiah Thomas needs to be out.

College Gameday, Gainsville, Florida and Nick D,
Tim Tebow’s dick is probably a dark, deep blue by now so you can go ahead and take your collective mouth off it.

Who is hotter, Sen. Fred Thomson’s wife, Rep. Dennis Kucinich’s wife, or T-Fresh?

Sen. Sam Brownback, Gov. Mike Huckabee and Rep. Tom Tancredo, all candidates for the Republican Presidential nomination, do not believe in evolution.