November 2, 2007

A New Candidate

With Stephen Colbert recently being denied a bid for president by the South Carolina Democratic Party, I figures it was time for a new pseudo-candidate to try his luck. That’s right; I hereby announce that there will be one more presidential candidate: my dick.

An ideal candidate, my dick can appeal to both Democrats and Republicans.

For Republicans:

  • For one, my dick is virulently opposed to gun control as it would be categorized as such by even the loosest interpretation of the word “gun”(it’s registered as a golden .44 magnum, similar to the one in Goldeneye).
  • Also, my boy is personally against the gay agenda, being that it wants nothing to do with any guy’s asshole.
  • While this pants anaconda is running on a platform based on helping the poor, it did not set up its headquarters in the richest neighborhood possible nor does it receive $300 haircuts. In fact, this monster seldom requires any monetary upkeep and is willing to set up headquarters anywhere above the line.

For Democrats:
  • Though “Pistol Pete” (Maravich stole it from him) helped many women through the tough times that followed 9/11, he rarely ever brings it up during public appearances.
  • While I may have mentioned earlier that this guy does not want anything to do with gays, he is certainly not against gay marriage, being that such legislation will reduce the number of big fellas pining for his company.
  • Unlike Obama there is no controversy as to whether this candidate is fully black.
  • The many Democrats who are disturbed by one Republican’s idea of doubling Guantanamo can find comfort in the fact that even a giant dick thinks people deserve basic human rights.
  • Mitt Romney is a Jackass.
  • This colossus of clout is completely against a potential invasion of Iran being that it would violate his “make love not war” motto. Also, that Russian-backed motherfucker probably has mad nukes.
  • Big Boi would also expand social welfare by spreading his love to all those (hotties) in need. This includes sexually transmitted cures to every known STD, tuberculosis and cancer.
  • Lastly, even this brainless muscle would not veto a bill to expand health care for SICK POOR CHILDREN.

Oh and my dick would have also realized it is ridiculous to expect a U.S. established democracy to quickly and suddenly flourish in a country (created artificially by British for their own convenience) composed of various conflicting peoples (of whom we know nothing about) in an area which has been historically anti-western for centuries, especially when Blackwater kills mad peeps for no reason. But then again, that’s just my dick.

P.S. my dick already has an equally prestigious, dangling set of running mates.


everyone said...

really... no tricky dick references?

richard nixon said...

a good, underrated post nonetheless