As some of you may know, the term sophomore is derived from the ancient Greek for “wise fool.” Being almost a month into my sophomore year now, I got to thinking about all of the wisdom I had accumulated last year and realized that, although I did learn a lot, I still have quite a ways to go.
What I Learned - Handles of Sergei Vodka are the least bad-tasting cheap way to intoxicate a large group (or small army).
Still a Fool - Condiments are not acceptable substitutes for chasers.
- A couple of rounds of slayer in Halo is a great way to end the night, whether it was good or bad.
- When a guy at NYU asks if you want to play “swords only,” he’s not talking about Halo… trust me.
- If you’re making out with a girl and she stops and asks you, “What are you thinking about right now?” – you’re supposed to say something dirty like “What you’re wearing under that skirt” or “If your vagina is as hairy as your upper lip.”
- I said, “I don’t know… what are YOU thinking about right now?”
- Asians are what is wrong with this world.
- At the same time, Korean bitches are very hot.
- In order for a black woman to marry interracially with a white man, his salary on average needs to be at least $50,000 more than hers. For an Asian woman to marry interracially with a white man, it is okay if his salary is as much as $100,000 less than hers.
- Once you go black you never go back.
- There’s no straight way to carve a penis out of a banana and then eat it.
- I guess my roommate is straight.
- High school friends visiting can make for some of the most fun nights.
- …Umair’s vomit.
- Never drink liquor with proof higher than your body weight.
- Fuck that shit, I only weigh 150.
- If you’re drunk, the line significantly drops and/or disappears.
- You need to have standards to begin with in order for them to drop.
- In New York State, it is not legal for a 19 year old male to have sex with any female under the age of 18.
- Marcy is under the age of 18.
- Stalking a hot girl on Facebook is creepy, pathetic, and disgraceful.
- Not only do we do it, but, more often than not, we do it with other males huddled around the computer screen in a quasi circle-jerk, ookie J fiesta of testosterone.
- Good dancing is one of the best ways to score points with a chick.
- Tunak is only considered good dancing to Kate Cannon if you’re John Veg, and you just ran sub 2:00 in the 800.
- Mung Jumping is a two person activity in which one person digs up a female corpse and “eats it out” while the other individual jumps furiously upon the corpse’s torso forcing its innards into his accomplice’s mouth.
- I threw up in a girl’s vagina.
- Girls like to go shopping.
- Not in this day… cuz I ain’t got no money… and you gon' gimme the money you got.
Our sophomoric wisdom puts us in a position to teach the less experienced. But we must always remember that, although we may be teaching, we are also learning… Learning.
…(FOR A SNORLAX!)