October 6, 2007

Sophomoric Symposium

As some of you may know, the term sophomore is derived from the ancient Greek for “wise fool.” Being almost a month into my sophomore year now, I got to thinking about all of the wisdom I had accumulated last year and realized that, although I did learn a lot, I still have quite a ways to go.

What I Learned - Handles of Sergei Vodka are the least bad-tasting cheap way to intoxicate a large group (or small army).
Still a Fool - Condiments are not acceptable substitutes for chasers.

- A couple of rounds of slayer in Halo is a great way to end the night, whether it was good or bad.
- When a guy at NYU asks if you want to play “swords only,” he’s not talking about Halo… trust me.

- If you’re making out with a girl and she stops and asks you, “What are you thinking about right now?” – you’re supposed to say something dirty like “What you’re wearing under that skirt” or “If your vagina is as hairy as your upper lip.”
- I said, “I don’t know… what are YOU thinking about right now?”

- Asians are what is wrong with this world.
- At the same time, Korean bitches are very hot.

- In order for a black woman to marry interracially with a white man, his salary on average needs to be at least $50,000 more than hers. For an Asian woman to marry interracially with a white man, it is okay if his salary is as much as $100,000 less than hers.
- Once you go black you never go back.

- There’s no straight way to carve a penis out of a banana and then eat it.
- I guess my roommate is straight.

- High school friends visiting can make for some of the most fun nights.
- …Umair’s vomit.

- Never drink liquor with proof higher than your body weight.
- Fuck that shit, I only weigh 150.

- If you’re drunk, the line significantly drops and/or disappears.
- You need to have standards to begin with in order for them to drop.

- In New York State, it is not legal for a 19 year old male to have sex with any female under the age of 18.
- Marcy is under the age of 18.

- Stalking a hot girl on Facebook is creepy, pathetic, and disgraceful.
- Not only do we do it, but, more often than not, we do it with other males huddled around the computer screen in a quasi circle-jerk, ookie J fiesta of testosterone.

- Good dancing is one of the best ways to score points with a chick.
- Tunak is only considered good dancing to Kate Cannon if you’re John Veg, and you just ran sub 2:00 in the 800.

- Mung Jumping is a two person activity in which one person digs up a female corpse and “eats it out” while the other individual jumps furiously upon the corpse’s torso forcing its innards into his accomplice’s mouth.
- I threw up in a girl’s vagina.

- Girls like to go shopping.
- Not in this day… cuz I ain’t got no money… and you gon' gimme the money you got.

Our sophomoric wisdom puts us in a position to teach the less experienced. But we must always remember that, although we may be teaching, we are also learning… Learning.



qualitypoop said...

when does Marcy turn 18? and what is the law in Connecticut cause lets face it, chloroform can knock some one out long enough for quick trip across the border.

mike valerio said...

Hey! whats the problem with carving banana penises and eating them a-la beej?

The Hebrew Hammer said...

this is my favorite article on bonsai. i seriously have to check if i soiled myself.

Anonymous said...

-this article is pretty amazing.
-Smilo drops the "favorite article on bonsai" tag about as often as Donald Grande fights people.

umair said...

yo this group is dead anyway

White Male at NYU said...

It's the bees knees here. Pussy's so easy at this school, I might as well BE in asia.