August 31, 2007

Plan for the secession of the northeast from the rest of the USA

  • Seceding: New York; Pennsylvania; Massachusetts; Connecticut; Rhode Island, New Hampshire; Vermont; Maine
  • Staten Island becomes part of New Jersey.
  • New Jersey is not allowed to come.
  • Yonkers becomes the new fifth borough.
  • Maine goes to Canada.
  • Rhode Island becomes part of Massachusetts.
  • Long Island becomes a colony. If you are born there, you may not leave.
  • There will be a White Castle in every town.
  • Albany is no longer the capital of New York.
  • The Giants get a new stadium in New York City.
  • The (New Jersey) Jets must remain in Jersey and may not change the name of their current stadium.
  • Random janitors are not allowed to play pickup soccer.

August 28, 2007

Ocean of protein based substance

Gentlemen of Bonsai Potato,

I bring you a short compliation video that guarantees to make you laugh or make you vomit.
Feast your eyes on this...

http://www.youporn.com/watch/54883

August 27, 2007

Proof that my Econ Professor is Mary Couzis

Short, blonde hair.
Large (enormous) hips.
"Next thing you know you've got a $100 bar tab and its not even 3 o'clock."

Thought processes of the person in front of me as they travel at 20 mph below the speed limit

Acceptable:
"I'm so fucking lost."
"I shouldn't have had that much tequila."
"Damn, this is the best blow-J ever"
"Shit, is that The General behind me?"

More Likely:
"Well, there's no sign, so the speed limit must be 17."
"Am I gay? I better slow down to consider it."
"I should've bought a Hummer to drive my kids to musical practice."
"Back in my day, carriages had horses."
"Come on, you can say it...pork fly ly..."
"I'm Arpon Ray driving a car for the first time in my life."

August 17, 2007

A Glimpse of the Future?

Here is a list of notable people associated with our respective schools.

McGill University Redmen
Burt Bacharach - Musician; 'that guy' in Austin Powers
Samantha Bee - Daily Show correspondent
William Shatner
James Naismith - Inventor of basketball
Richard Pound - Former IOC Vice President - goes by the name Dick.
Thomas Neill Cream - Serial killer, believed to be Jack the Ripper

Carnegie Mellon University Tartans
Ted Danson - Actor, 'Cheers'
Esteban - Guitarist, infomercial star
Ethan Hawke - Actor
Leonard "Hub" Hubbard - Bassist, The Roots
Ming-Na - Actress, The Joy Luck Club; Mulan
Andy Warhol
Kurt Vonnegut

Pennsylvania State University Nittany Lions
Brian Baker - Former Sprint spokesman
Tom Verducci - Writer, Sports Illustrated
Hugh Edwin Rodham - Hillary Clinton's brother
LaVar Arrington - NFL Linebacker
Franco Harris - Former NFL Running Back
Joe Jurevicius - Wide Receiver, Cleveland Browns
Jimmy Kennedy - Defensive Tackle, Denver Broncos
Kareem McKenzie - Tackle, New York Giants
Mike Scioscia - Manager, LA/Anaheim/California Angels, LA Angels of Anaheim

State University of New York at Cobleskill
...I've got nothing, not even a team name.

University of Vermont Catamounts
Mike Gordon; Jeff Holdsworth; Trey Anastasio - Musicians, Phish
Martin St. Louis - Right Wing, Tampa Bay Lightning
Ben Affleck - Actor
Howard Dean - BYAAA!
Erik Liljegren - FOX News correspondent (I thought it said Lief Erikson at first)

State University of New York at Cortland Red Dragons
R-Kal K-Quan Truluck - Offensive Tackle, Montreal Alouttes, CFL
Kevin George Knipfing - Comedian, better know by his stage name, Kevin James
Mick Foley - Best-selling author(wtf?), professional wrestler Mankind
Jake Steinfeld - 'Body by Jake'
*
Dikembe Mutombo received an honorary degree

Hamilton College Continentals
Alex Haley - Author, Roots
Steven I. Wulf - Cofounder, ESPN Magazine
Leigh Keno - Appraiser, 'Antiques Roadshow'

University of Delaware Fightin' Blue Hens

Jospeh Biden - 2008 Presidential Candidate
Rich Gannon - Former NFL Quarterback
Kevin Mench - Milwaukee Brewers Outfielder
Justin Bresson - Professional seal trainer
Jason Jeandell - "Teacher, geographer extraordinaire!"

New York University Violets
Woody Allen - Actor, Director
Martin Scorcese - Film Director
Spike Lee - Film Director
Adam Sandler - Actor, Comedian
J.D. Salinger
Gary Bettman - NHL Commissioner
Paul Tagliabue - Former NFL Commissioner
Neil Diamond - Musician
Rick Rubin - Music producer
Gaik Ovakimian - Soviet spy

University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill Tar Heels
Heather Monroe-Blum - Principal, McGill University
Lewis Black - Comedian
Stuart Scott - BOOYAH
James K. Polk - 11th President of the United States
Mike Nifong - Head prosecutor in Duke Lacrosse case (disbarred)
Michael Jordan - Former AA Baseball player; Actor, Space Jam
Vince Carter - Guard, New Jersey Nets
Julius Peppers - Defensive End, Carolina Panthers
Lawrence Taylor - Former NFL Linebacker, Crackhead

Darmouth College Big Green
Nelson Rockefeller - Governer of New York, US Vice-President
Robert Frost - Poet
Brad Ausmus - Catcher, Houston Astros
Michael Corleone

August 12, 2007

...wait

Nick D. was allowed to go to Bar/Bat Mitzvas in middle school.

Jared Smilowitz is a legitimate human being.

Dennis Sandberg has never gone on a PCP induced wolfman-like howling session on a rooftop.

Strange men do not hover about Van Tassel waiting for pick-up games to materialize.

This (left) is legitimate in every single way imaginable.

Spencer Dunn is completely heterosexual.

Malt Shop Memories is a terrible infomercial.

Jared Smilowitz has never been served.

Sandberg and Noonan have never gone over to Jackie Pizz's crib to "play duck hunt and Simpsons trivia."

Barry Bonds is a class act.


August 4, 2007

Wheel of Fortune

I've noticed that in recent years, the 'fortunes' inside of fortune cookies have become less of fortunes and more like 'ruminations for the philosopher on the run.' Today, though, the magical slip of destiny gave me an actual fortune: "You will succeed in everything." Inspired by this, I figured I'd succeed in posting my Chinese Fortune Cookie Hall of Fame:

"You love Chinese food."
"If you are still hungry, have another fortune cookie."
"Lucky you. Get out your party clothes. The clean ones."

The lotto...I mean 'lucky'...numbers on these don't match up, so I guess I won't be successful in winning the lottery, which is too bad, because that had been my career plan up until now. But, as they say, "HEEEYYYYYYY...ya neva know."