July 28, 2007

Things We've Convinced Ourselves Are True

DiPaolo's dad is Ron Jeremy.

The Mets are still paying off Mo Vaughn's contract.

Sudeep was on Jeopardy...along with Marvia Oates, Cristina Moncada, and Paul Cody.

Phil threw up in a girl's mouth and/or vag.

Sandberg's wang could crush a bear.

Jose Reyes starts every single sentence with the phrase "I mean, you know..."

Nick D. is wrong 100% of the time.

Ronde Barber robs banks while messed up on coke, while Tiki reads to underprivileged school children.

DiPaolo's favorite book is the Joy Luck Club.

Mrs. Nick D holds rank in the U.S. military.

We're any of us to go sees-fo-sees (6-6) we would say "Wow."

There is a bear on Arthur Avenue.

Juan Gonzalez and Nappy Roots are playing backgammon in a cellar in some far away
galaxy after having vanished off the face of the earth.

Block leads a double life as Eli Manning.

Little Girl has sucked off 72% of the male population in the Hudson Valley.

Seeing that Grande, putting a DeVito on a DiPaolo, or whet-weeing a misfoot are conceivable situations.

John Papalia is Bobby Valentine.

Steve Smith's girlfriend had an extra flap of skin on her vagina. It was subsequently operated on.

Compiled by Juan C., Smilo, Killa Kame, Sandberg, Nick D.
(Yes, for a collaborative effort this is pathetic.)

Dedicated to Sandberg's genitalia.

July 24, 2007

A Recently Uncovered List of Formerly Suggested Band Names

Jurassic Positions
Jurassic Dynogasms
Prehistoric Pussy Pounders
Dr. Pep and the Gender Benders
Erectosaurus Rex
Fuck Little Girl
A Jurassic Dynogasmic Journey to Funkytown
Drunken Apes
Lou Reed's Booty Call
Jurassic Rape
Doing 20
Dinosaurs Having Sex
Wilt Chamberlain's First Five


July 6, 2007

This Week's Signs of the Apocalypse

This is a collection of random sports facts and figures that I have collected over many years of research. All of these should be true, some might not be updated so if they aren't just shut the fuck up.

- Jeff Garcia is 4th on the all time NFL passing efficiency list.

- When you add the ages of David Wright and Jose Reyes you get the age of Julio Franco (supposedly 48)

- Mo Vaughn attended Trinity-Pawling High School located in Pawling, New York.

- Of all the recent high school basketball superstars, Kwame Brown was the first high school basketball player selected as the first overall pick in the NBA Draft out of High School. He currently averages 4.5 points per game.

- Both Indiana State and Stanford have mascots that are trees.

- The average attendance of a WNBA game since the league began is 9,442. 8,162 of those being dykes.

- Rey Ordonez had 5 more triples (17) than home runs (12) in his entire MLB career.

-Eli Manning is a bitch.

- Tim Couch was ranked the sixth best high school athlete in the history of high school athletics in this country by ESPN.

- Patrick Ewing was born in Jamaica.

- The Mets 2 Triple-A catchers are 38 year old Mike DiFelice and 41 year old Sandy Alomar Jr.

- The winners of the "National QB Award" from 1998 to 2003
1998 - Michael Bishop - Kansas State
1999 - Joe Hamilton - Georgia Tech
2000 - Chris Weinke - Florida State
2001 - Eric Crouch - Nebraska
2002 - Brad Banks - Iowa
2003 - Jason White - Oklahoma

- Dennis Miller was actually on Monday Night Football.

- The WUSA, Women's United Soccer Association, lasted just 3 years. The three champions were the Bay Area CyberRays, Carolina Courage and the Washington Freedom. Not only did this league blow ass, but the names of the teams were fucking ridiculous. I guess chicks can put together a successful athletic league........

- Some notable home run derby participants from past years
- Bobby Bonilla
- Ruben Sierra
- Raul Mondesi
- Damion Easely
- John Jaha
- Henry Rodriguez?

- Michael Jordan had 8 more errors (11) than home runs (3) in his baseball career. he also batted .202.

- Benny Agbayani appeared on the Howard Stern Show before the Mets faced the Yanks in the 2000 World Series predicting that the Mets would win it all.

- In the 6th grade Anthony Morelli guided thew St. Bartholomew Bruins JV basketball team to a Diocesan championship. (this was on wikipedia)

- Anthony Morelli is a douche bag.

- Danny Almonte, the "El Duque" of the Little League World Series, was cut by the Southern Illinois Miners of the Frontier League after posting a 0-1 record with an ERA of 5.28.

- The Tampa Bay Devils Rays could barely fill the 9,500 seat baseball stadium at Disney's Wide World of Sports. This was a regular season game. haha the d-rays kid.

- The Nashville Predators used to play in "The Gaylord Entertainment Center".

This is all I got right now. If you have any of your own please share in your comments. Like I said before, if any of these are slightly incorrect or out of date just keep it to yourself. p.s. people should write more bonsai articles. peace kid.

July 4, 2007

No Jokes. Just Quotes and Facts From 12 of the Most Ridiculous Minutes of My Life

“You google ‘hero’ tomorrow and Abe Lincoln will come up then maybe Neil Armstrong and Taylor Hicks, but then Joey Chestnut.” -On what would happen were Joey Chestnut to win the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Competition

"Unbelievable valor from that man right there Joey Chestnut. Joey Chestnut, a true American Hero.” - Stated right after Chestnut's victory

There is a competitive eater who is a direct descendant of Daniel Boone. When he comes on stage the announcer belts out the entire pedigree. It appears that the same gene that produced the man on whose adventure the Last of the Mohicans was based has also produced a 303-pound behemoth who can eat 274 Russian Dumplings in 6 minutes.

Throwing up was referred to as a “reversal of fortune.”

The Hot Dog Eating Competition on ESPN was followed by a rerun of The National Spelling Bee. What was on ESPN2 you ask? A live telecast of the Wimbledon quarterfinal match between #1 seed Justine Henin and U.S. tennis icon Serena Williams.