May 6, 2007

Beware the hooded man

An investigation that was closed last spring is now seeing a strong revival. During an otherwise quiet night last spring, a young hooded man was seen and video taped buying two cartons of grade-A eggs at a local gas station at approximately 10:30 PM. This young man, along with a number of accomplices we suppose, then committed a most heinous crime. He threw those eggs. Ballistic experts say they were thrown at a velocity that could decapitate a small person (small person meaning a dwarf or midget or someone like block, but not block because his head and neck muscles are ten times stronger than that of a normal human), or at least leave his face very sticky. This pervert did not throw 24 eggs at a person however, though he is most likely very capable. No, instead he dressed a nice christian household in yolk and the white stuff like a college co-ed in a KY jelly match. Simply disgusting. Detectives never saw anything like it. An officer Fitzgerald, upon arriving at the scene, began to vomit uncontrolably, ruining his finely trimmed handlebar mustouche that had become his trademark after years of painstaking beautification and other 'douchebaggery'. - On a distant side note, wikipedia experts have successfully traced the origins of "those guys" to this Fitzgerald character.- But, back to the suspect. Various anonymous tips and and torture endeavours have given us new information about this hooded ring leader, causing us to reopen this case. This madman must be stopped. The whole egging incident lasted about two minutes. Even if accomplices were present, the hooded man would have had to fire those projectiles at an unbelievably rapid pace. Doctors are saying that in order to do so, one would have to have almost super human fast twitch muscles, undoubtedly the result of chronic J.O-ing (2-3 times per day) for years. There's a small possiblity that they could be a result of many hours of rock & roll drumming, or perhaps a lethal combination of the two. In any case, the suspect is very deadly. The police have also come to believe that this suspect is related to a number of cases of pedifelia in the midwest. In the Dakotas a tale has been brewing of a hooded man who roams the land. He is believed to be the violator of three 11 year-old girls. One girl, who shall remain nameless, was brave enough to say a few words. "I couldn't get a very good look at him" she said, "he was wearing a hoodie, and it was dark. I would say he looked chinese, but I can't be sure. He told me to call him Popolio, and he was touching my feet a lot." Upon being asked to indicate on a doll where else he touched her, she said, "Right here," pointing to the rear of the non-gender doll. She then began to weep. After this sicko performed unspeakable acts he left 11 broken eggs on the girl's house. Simply disgusting. Popolio, a catchy name for a pervert. It is greek for "he who likes them bare". He is a dangerous man who knows just how sick he is. A real life Hannibal Lecter. What we know is he rocks the hoodie quite often. Young girls and egging are his forte. We believe he got his first taste of the life after the two carton fiasco and couldn't stop there. He headed west for new adventures and younger women. He has unbelievable fast twitch arm muscles, the result of a chronic masturbation problem and is possibly a drummer. He might be chinese. Possible foot fetish. Most importantly "Popolio" is a huge pervert. Beware. Keep your daughters safe and if you have any information, please contact the Potato. Be safe.

All in good fun and morbidness.