December 23, 2007

Analysing 4th Grade Earth Day Poetry

Ice Cubes
By Alex Simmonds
Ice cubes, ice cubes,
Made of water,
And now we taught her,
It can become solid.

Even at a young age Mr. Simmonds recognized the importance of including women in poetry. The deleted final couplet: "Yea baby, I want you so bad. I'm the only black guy in town, and trust me you'll be glad."

I Love Water
A Rap song by Jenna Costella
Yeah, I love water.
Trees wouldn’t be here.
Trees need water.
People need water.
That’s why I love water.
Water is good for you!!!!!!!!

With such brilliant, groundbreaking work at a very young age, it is no surprise that the precocious Ms. Costella went on to much greater projects.

By Rob Corrado, Ethan Kamer, and B.J. Eden
Poison poison is
very bad
Poison poison
makes me mad.
Poison poison is not good.
It’s all around in the neighborhood.
Poison poison – It’s in the bleachers.
Poison poison kills our creatures.

A classic. Probably written after a recess basketball game in which B.J. Eden, donning a Knicks jersey and lisping up a storm, demanded the ball every five seconds sincerely believing that he wasn't absolutely terrible. Also, Kamer was most likely high.

By Alex Bean, Danny Triano, Philip Ponce de Leon, and Haruki Yamada.
In the winter something grows
from your rooftop in the cold.

They hang off roofs and other things.
A touch and they'll fall unless they
have wings.

These pointy things hang everywhere
If you're not careful they'll fall on your

At the bottom they're skinny, at the
top they're fat.
Icicles are cold and that is that!

First off, what the fuck is with this crew? The most likely scenario here is that Haruki, with even less command of the subtleties of language than a 9th grade Micheal Choi ("That's impossible I typed it.") , wrote the whole train wreck and the other three jokers slipped their names on it without him knowing. That is the only thing that would explain such a clumsy attempt at a semi-legitimate thought. "A touch and they'll fall unless they have wings?" Is Haruki fucking serious? Maybe there are flying plenty of winged icicles in shitty Japanese Hentai, fucking cartoon bitches in animation, but not here. Also, we know icicles are cold, don't act as if anybody is fuckin' saying otherwise.

An Untitled Masterpiece
By Dan Pond
Fresh water is is like
the key to life,
If there is no good
Drinking water, the door
Is still locked,
So if your family
Or your friends wan’t to
Live don’t pollute!!

Clearly, Pond has never really gotten out of the mindset that produced this piece of Hyperstudio poetry, which I'd like to point out was written in all caps. The verbiage is terrible, the simile is hackneyed crap, and how the fuck could you possibly think that "want" is a contraction of something? Seriously though 9-year-old Pond, your poem reads worse than David Totten with a stutter and hiccups. Also, do you really think that this shit is special enough to not need a title? Here's one : Random Shit I Wrote Down While Fantasizing About Asians.

After reading such crap, it is perhaps important to Dan Ponder George W. Bush's question:
"Is our children learning?"

December 12, 2007

Where Are They Now?

Watching the Heisman presentation, the one where Tebow's dick was sucked by all, got me thinking about former Heisman winners. There are plenty of them that went on to win Super Bowls and even make it into the Hall of Fame, but there are also those past winners who pulled major Devitos when they got out of college. I have compiled a short list of former Heisman winners and other great college athletes that shit their pants after college. Lets see what they are up to these days.

Jason White
Why We Know Him - Former University of Oklahoma QB who won the Heisman Trophy in 2003
Where The Fuck Is He Now? - After nearly winning two Heisman trophies, White was not drafted and did not receive any tryout requests. Then the K.C. Chiefs held a tryout for him....after which he still wasn't signed. He then quit football citing "weak knees" hahaha. Just 4 years removed from winning the Heisman, he currently owns a sports memorabilia store.

Jared Zabransky
Why We Know Him - Former Boise State QB who led Boise to a win over Oklahoma in last seasons Fiesta Bowl (One of the best games ever in my opinion..if you don't agree then fuck you)
Where The Fuck Is He Now? - Despite being put on the cover of NCAA Football O8, Zabransky was not drafted. He was later signed by the Texans, then cut 2 months later. He is currently a practice squad all star for the Texans.

Chris Leak
Why We Know Him - Won the National Championship as Florida's QB.
Where The Fuck Is He Now? - After not getting drafted, he signed as a free agent with the Bears. He was cut in September in favor of Kyle Orton.(Ouch) Leak has since announced his intentions to play for team Florida in the AAFL, which is a pro league that requires its players to be college graduates.(I really wonder how they field any teams)

Eric Crouch
Why We Know Him - Won the Heisman in 2001 as Nebraska's QB.
Where The Fuck Is He Now? - After being drafted by the Rams as a WR, he went to the Packers to play QB, but left after Aaron Rodgers was drafted. He had short stints in NFL Europe and the CFL before retiring. He, along with Chris Leak, has signed on to play in the ridiculous AAFL.

Quincy Carter
Why We Know Him - Former NFL QB, lifelong drug addict.
Where The Fuck Is He Now? - After "retiring" from the NFL he spent some time in the CFL before being cut for what team reps say "A serious marijuana problem". Shortly after, he signed on to play in the AF2, the Arena Football League Minor Leagues.....yes the Arena League's Minor League affiliate. On November 29, 2007 Carter was admitted to Hanley Centher rehab Center.

Marcus Vick
Why We Know Him - Former Virginia Tech QB, Bro of Mike Vick.
Where The Fuck Is He Now? - After being dismissed by Va. Tech, he was signed as a free agent by the miserable Dolphins, but later released. After being dismissed from Va. Tech he was quoted as saying, "It's not a big deal. I'll just move on to the next level, baby." Vick has done nothing with his life since getting cut besides be a huge d bag. In June 2007 he was the defendant in a civil lawsuit on behalf of a 17 year old girl alleging they had a two year long relationship and Marcus Vick provided her alcohol and marijuana and asked her to have sex with other men.

December 8, 2007

December 4, 2007

Absurdities, Thoughts and Recycled Jokes

Why are all my econ assignments graded out of 12.5?

MTV recently aired a sing-a-long version of Legally Blonde: The Musical

Why is it necessary for a CVS brand tin of cashews to have the allergy warning “CONTAINS CASHEWS?”

A local commercial for “Better Basketball” instructional tapes claims that in the history of the game, no one has mastered the jump shot like J.J. Reddick.

Throughout my lifetime, multiple girls have asked me if guys wipe their dicks after they piss.

Play the Arpon-Brown-Wall Game! (admittedly, it’s a bit weak at only 60% right now)

Two things I may never witness in my lifetime:
1) Nick D being right (about anything).
2) Eli Manning not sneaking Jim Beam in-between snaps.

I kicked the crap out of San Antonio today in NBA Live 2000 with the 1999 New York Knicks. The starting five: Ward, Camby, Ewing, Houston, and Post-choke/Pre-“I have a family to feed” Spreewell. Those were the days.

Isaiah Thomas needs to be out.

College Gameday, Gainsville, Florida and Nick D,
Tim Tebow’s dick is probably a dark, deep blue by now so you can go ahead and take your collective mouth off it.

Who is hotter, Sen. Fred Thomson’s wife, Rep. Dennis Kucinich’s wife, or T-Fresh?

Sen. Sam Brownback, Gov. Mike Huckabee and Rep. Tom Tancredo, all candidates for the Republican Presidential nomination, do not believe in evolution.

November 29, 2007

A Quick Look-alike

It's not a typical Newman post, but this one was too good to pass up...

Some chick my roommate hooked up
with and Mr. Lazy Eye himself

November 19, 2007

DiPaolo's Facebook Picture

The girl on the right was too ugly for this picture, so she was cropped (by DiPaolo)

November 15, 2007

Dear Barry Bonds,

I hope your cell mate takes his dick out of your ass long enough to let you and your microscopic balls watch A-Rod (only slightly less of a douche) break Hank Aaron's record from your jail cell.

The World minus San Fransisco

Of Course This Happened at Wal-Mart

So this is an email I got from the Gen the other day (...yes that Gen). Read the caption before looking at the pic. Sadly, it represents 95% of Americans.

Yesterday, my friend ordered a cake from the Wal-Mart on College Drive for a co-worker who was leaving the office. She placed the order over the phone saying: "At the top I would like it to say 'Best Wishes Suzanne,' and then underneath that 'We will miss you.'" Look at what they put on the cake!

November 2, 2007

A New Candidate

With Stephen Colbert recently being denied a bid for president by the South Carolina Democratic Party, I figures it was time for a new pseudo-candidate to try his luck. That’s right; I hereby announce that there will be one more presidential candidate: my dick.

An ideal candidate, my dick can appeal to both Democrats and Republicans.

For Republicans:

  • For one, my dick is virulently opposed to gun control as it would be categorized as such by even the loosest interpretation of the word “gun”(it’s registered as a golden .44 magnum, similar to the one in Goldeneye).
  • Also, my boy is personally against the gay agenda, being that it wants nothing to do with any guy’s asshole.
  • While this pants anaconda is running on a platform based on helping the poor, it did not set up its headquarters in the richest neighborhood possible nor does it receive $300 haircuts. In fact, this monster seldom requires any monetary upkeep and is willing to set up headquarters anywhere above the line.

For Democrats:
  • Though “Pistol Pete” (Maravich stole it from him) helped many women through the tough times that followed 9/11, he rarely ever brings it up during public appearances.
  • While I may have mentioned earlier that this guy does not want anything to do with gays, he is certainly not against gay marriage, being that such legislation will reduce the number of big fellas pining for his company.
  • Unlike Obama there is no controversy as to whether this candidate is fully black.
  • The many Democrats who are disturbed by one Republican’s idea of doubling Guantanamo can find comfort in the fact that even a giant dick thinks people deserve basic human rights.
  • Mitt Romney is a Jackass.
  • This colossus of clout is completely against a potential invasion of Iran being that it would violate his “make love not war” motto. Also, that Russian-backed motherfucker probably has mad nukes.
  • Big Boi would also expand social welfare by spreading his love to all those (hotties) in need. This includes sexually transmitted cures to every known STD, tuberculosis and cancer.
  • Lastly, even this brainless muscle would not veto a bill to expand health care for SICK POOR CHILDREN.

Oh and my dick would have also realized it is ridiculous to expect a U.S. established democracy to quickly and suddenly flourish in a country (created artificially by British for their own convenience) composed of various conflicting peoples (of whom we know nothing about) in an area which has been historically anti-western for centuries, especially when Blackwater kills mad peeps for no reason. But then again, that’s just my dick.

P.S. my dick already has an equally prestigious, dangling set of running mates.

October 29, 2007

Look- A -Likes (3rd Edition)

Because of the fact that I can't write creatively and I can't come up with an interesting article, I am back with yet another look alike post. Here it goes...

Former Denver Bronco Shannon Sharpe vs. The Denver Broncos Logo - I have always noticed that Sharpe looked like a horse, but then I realized that it is fitting that he played for the Broncos because he looks exactly like their symbol.

Arkansas Running Back Darren McFadden vs. Kanye West - They are both awesome black dudes.

Former Fox Football Host James Brown vs. Current Fox Football Host Kurt Menefee - They don;t exactly look that much alike, but they held the same position, and they are both large black men. Replacing one big black guy with a cool voice with another big black guy with a cool voice....nice move fox.

ESPN Sideline Reporter Erin Andrews vs. Jenna Jameson - She doesn't really look like Jenna Jameson, she just looks like any really hot blonde chick. Erin Andrews should cover every athletic event possible. A hilarious Erin Andrews pic.

This Kid from the newest Halloween movie vs. Spencer Dunn - Watching this movie all I could think about was how this kid reminded me of good ole spence dunn.

LSU Quarterback Matt Flynn vs. My Boy Tom Irving - This is completely random, but I feel its pretty close. I don't know how I came up with this one but the LSU QB definitely looks like one of my friends from Cortland.

Hines Ward vs. Mike (Jones) Arita - This one has been thrown around for a long time, and it still makes me laugh.

Seattle Seahawks Head Coach Mike Holmgren vs. The Cowardly Lion - Holmgren looks like an idiot and he, like his football team, is boring as shit.

Tom Green's Sidekick Glenn Humplik vs. Mike Newman - This isnt as true these days but a few years ago my brother looked exactly like Glenn Humplik.

Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow vs. Cortland Student Rick Perrone - Another random matchup of an SEC QB and a friend from Cortland.

October 16, 2007

Youtube Nation

Oh youtube, you slay me, you anger me, you give me an atomic wedgie...I AM A FAN OF THE YOUTUBE NATION (-steve O, snoop, myself and others)
Nice to know Somers is being represented right on this kid. Hey who remembers THIS GUY? You hear these accents? If this kid's act was any worse, Carlos Mencia would be out of a job. I wish I could put his bj imitation on repeat and send it to the Daily Show for a moment of zen. Seriously, who are the adwizards who came up with this one?
-other results from typing in Somers-- Well, the infamous batman tape, endless lacrosse highlights (gay), and for some reason, a long list of Adam Bernier videos....for your sake Julia, these were not posted.
WARNING: This video may cause you to claw your ear drums out.
I used to think having the name I have was kind of cool. Fucking Caddyshack Man! But, then I met this kid, and never again will I be the same. I couldn't get through the whole video, I doubt many of you will. Sorry to waste your time. I did get to the part though where DN's friend points out that she is a woman. Good thing she did this, cause O boy if she didn't...
-other results searching my name--some mediocre snow boarder, some dude in a douchey band, and Daniel Radcliffe, man i fucking hate that kid.
...Searching other names? Well, there are many Juan Mendez'. Some guy who killed his wife and her mother, a canadian basketball player, a UN special advisor on genocide (hilarious vid), a creator of artsy videos. There weren't too many results with other names. Rob A's pistol pete and SPS videos, pretty funny stuff, and Arpon makes a cameo in The Goblin King. Man, am i bored.

October 13, 2007

Living in a "Predator Mode"

The following is a clip from an Atlanta Public Access television show. There really isn't much more I can say. Just watch.

October 6, 2007

Sophomoric Symposium

As some of you may know, the term sophomore is derived from the ancient Greek for “wise fool.” Being almost a month into my sophomore year now, I got to thinking about all of the wisdom I had accumulated last year and realized that, although I did learn a lot, I still have quite a ways to go.

What I Learned - Handles of Sergei Vodka are the least bad-tasting cheap way to intoxicate a large group (or small army).
Still a Fool - Condiments are not acceptable substitutes for chasers.

- A couple of rounds of slayer in Halo is a great way to end the night, whether it was good or bad.
- When a guy at NYU asks if you want to play “swords only,” he’s not talking about Halo… trust me.

- If you’re making out with a girl and she stops and asks you, “What are you thinking about right now?” – you’re supposed to say something dirty like “What you’re wearing under that skirt” or “If your vagina is as hairy as your upper lip.”
- I said, “I don’t know… what are YOU thinking about right now?”

- Asians are what is wrong with this world.
- At the same time, Korean bitches are very hot.

- In order for a black woman to marry interracially with a white man, his salary on average needs to be at least $50,000 more than hers. For an Asian woman to marry interracially with a white man, it is okay if his salary is as much as $100,000 less than hers.
- Once you go black you never go back.

- There’s no straight way to carve a penis out of a banana and then eat it.
- I guess my roommate is straight.

- High school friends visiting can make for some of the most fun nights.
- …Umair’s vomit.

- Never drink liquor with proof higher than your body weight.
- Fuck that shit, I only weigh 150.

- If you’re drunk, the line significantly drops and/or disappears.
- You need to have standards to begin with in order for them to drop.

- In New York State, it is not legal for a 19 year old male to have sex with any female under the age of 18.
- Marcy is under the age of 18.

- Stalking a hot girl on Facebook is creepy, pathetic, and disgraceful.
- Not only do we do it, but, more often than not, we do it with other males huddled around the computer screen in a quasi circle-jerk, ookie J fiesta of testosterone.

- Good dancing is one of the best ways to score points with a chick.
- Tunak is only considered good dancing to Kate Cannon if you’re John Veg, and you just ran sub 2:00 in the 800.

- Mung Jumping is a two person activity in which one person digs up a female corpse and “eats it out” while the other individual jumps furiously upon the corpse’s torso forcing its innards into his accomplice’s mouth.
- I threw up in a girl’s vagina.

- Girls like to go shopping.
- Not in this day… cuz I ain’t got no money… and you gon' gimme the money you got.

Our sophomoric wisdom puts us in a position to teach the less experienced. But we must always remember that, although we may be teaching, we are also learning… Learning.


October 2, 2007

Big Fellas

This is just a small compilation of some of my favorite youtube videos. All of which just so happened to involve overweight peeps. Many of you have probably seen some of these but I felt the need to share. - This first one is just your average fat kid being so unbelievably uncoordinated that he can't even jump down from about 5 feet. - One of my personal favorites that if you have yet to watch you need to know to watch till the very end. As I searched for this video I came across the title of "Ginger McQuickfeet" which is the perfect title. - Another fat ging gettin it good. - Another example of some big dude with no coordination. - HAHA i just love this guy's determination as he actually thinks he is gonna make it. - the big fella. - One of the best....looks like spence dunn tryin to make moves on a moped. - My all time favorite. Janice is having a ball while the chunky fella shits his pants.

September 19, 2007

Quotes That Are Probably True

"I always remember that whatever I have done in the past, or may do in the future, Duke University is responsible in one way or another."

-Richard Milhous Nixon, 37th President of the United States of America, capital douchebag.

Sudden realization of how awesome this quote is has led me to think about more of history’s memorable moments. While some of these may have never been said, they were definitely thought up.

“Not only did I use the cream, I also injected everything I ate with steroids. Seriously though, look at my balls. ”
- Barry Bonds

“I wonder how many pieces of pie I can fit in my mouth at the same time.”
-William Howard Taft

“I feel very strongly about having Phil join me in providing a good role model for our people”
-Lance Bass

“I wonder how much a nose job costs.”
-The Nov

“So yea, I’m into dudes”
-Spencer Dunn

“Is that guy pointing a gun at me?”
-Martin Luther King Jr. on April 4, 1968

“Sorry I threw up in your mouth.”
-Philip Ponce de Leon

“Finally, a place to dump all my shit.”
- Sir George Carteret, man given the eastern portion of the land between the Hudson and Delaware rivers by the Duke of York.

Thank Anglican God! I can’t believe he took the fuckin’ ODJ.”
-Duke of York

September 11, 2007

In 2008 _____ is....

Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is...

Having been plagued by gayness, division 1 athletics, and constant urges to spend my internet time on instead of here, I have regrettably forgotten about the one place where it all once made sense: Bonsai. The amount of time since I have last posted is comparable to Jemarcus Russel's holdout. The last time I had even glanced at Bonsai was when I saw a collage of Ryan D. (By the way, what the fuck happened to that kid?)

What are some things that have happened to me since then? Well, there's a kid on my team named Tim McVeigh (Above left). That's pretty cool.

Now excuse me if my writing style isn't as clean as Albert Dematteo's varsity football jersey after a Friday night game, but I've been out of the game for a while. Putting myself to the side, I thought it would be appropriate to weigh in on who is doing what, here and now.

Vincent Cutignola is currently a student at WCC, majoring in Environmental Studies. He has recently begun a campus wide recycling awareness program, sporting the popular slogan "It's a waste of paper".

Ryan Diterichs is the "Big Man on Campus" and has FIVE black friends! Admired for his knowledge of alcoholic beverages, Ryan's hit line with the ladies: "I've got like three Zima's in my backpack".

Barbara Pawelec is currently an employee at Cracker Barrel in Vero Beach, FL, and she's rocking double D's.

Paul Cody is still an emo kid.

Block has graduated cum laude from S.H.S and plans on attending the Rhode Island School of Design next fall, where he aspires to become a prolific artist and eventually draw for his favorite T.V show: Sponge Bob Squarepants.

Noah Sandberg is loving life, because no one at school yet knows about his enormous cock.

Dan Boniello has started his own private brothel at Manhattanville College, where he supposedly inspired several concerned student's to create the renowned Bro-Rape video. When asked about this he said "It's a cube, and you can play games on it. What's wrong with that?"

Ethan Kamer has continued to live up to his Superlative of "Most Outgoing". After a successful summer spiritual stint (alliteration, check that out Zeinoun) at his Vermont cow farm, Ethan, now a born-again Shaker, is spreading his beliefs across campus, and holds bi-weekly meetings at his campus chapel.

Mike Novosel is still being made fun of for his huge schnoz, but is much happier because there is finally someone else at his school, and in fact, on his team, who looks more like a caveman than he (Picture above right).

Oh yeah....and I never thought I'd see the day where I wouldn't be able to take a football player seriously when he told me how good the team was. Ivy league football. What a joke

Images You'll Never Forget (Part One)

I couldn't pick a caption; here's what I came up with...

"She loves Wang's wang"
"Apparently at Nova they just call him Penis"
"So does Nick D."
"Me love you long time"
"Someone needs to introduce her to Sandberg"
"What a DiPaolo"
Supersquin34: idk..she looks like margaret cho tho (kid's a look-alike fiend)

August 31, 2007

Plan for the secession of the northeast from the rest of the USA

  • Seceding: New York; Pennsylvania; Massachusetts; Connecticut; Rhode Island, New Hampshire; Vermont; Maine
  • Staten Island becomes part of New Jersey.
  • New Jersey is not allowed to come.
  • Yonkers becomes the new fifth borough.
  • Maine goes to Canada.
  • Rhode Island becomes part of Massachusetts.
  • Long Island becomes a colony. If you are born there, you may not leave.
  • There will be a White Castle in every town.
  • Albany is no longer the capital of New York.
  • The Giants get a new stadium in New York City.
  • The (New Jersey) Jets must remain in Jersey and may not change the name of their current stadium.
  • Random janitors are not allowed to play pickup soccer.

August 28, 2007

Ocean of protein based substance

Gentlemen of Bonsai Potato,

I bring you a short compliation video that guarantees to make you laugh or make you vomit.
Feast your eyes on this...

August 27, 2007

Proof that my Econ Professor is Mary Couzis

Short, blonde hair.
Large (enormous) hips.
"Next thing you know you've got a $100 bar tab and its not even 3 o'clock."

Thought processes of the person in front of me as they travel at 20 mph below the speed limit

"I'm so fucking lost."
"I shouldn't have had that much tequila."
"Damn, this is the best blow-J ever"
"Shit, is that The General behind me?"

More Likely:
"Well, there's no sign, so the speed limit must be 17."
"Am I gay? I better slow down to consider it."
"I should've bought a Hummer to drive my kids to musical practice."
"Back in my day, carriages had horses."
"Come on, you can say it...pork fly ly..."
"I'm Arpon Ray driving a car for the first time in my life."

August 17, 2007

A Glimpse of the Future?

Here is a list of notable people associated with our respective schools.

McGill University Redmen
Burt Bacharach - Musician; 'that guy' in Austin Powers
Samantha Bee - Daily Show correspondent
William Shatner
James Naismith - Inventor of basketball
Richard Pound - Former IOC Vice President - goes by the name Dick.
Thomas Neill Cream - Serial killer, believed to be Jack the Ripper

Carnegie Mellon University Tartans
Ted Danson - Actor, 'Cheers'
Esteban - Guitarist, infomercial star
Ethan Hawke - Actor
Leonard "Hub" Hubbard - Bassist, The Roots
Ming-Na - Actress, The Joy Luck Club; Mulan
Andy Warhol
Kurt Vonnegut

Pennsylvania State University Nittany Lions
Brian Baker - Former Sprint spokesman
Tom Verducci - Writer, Sports Illustrated
Hugh Edwin Rodham - Hillary Clinton's brother
LaVar Arrington - NFL Linebacker
Franco Harris - Former NFL Running Back
Joe Jurevicius - Wide Receiver, Cleveland Browns
Jimmy Kennedy - Defensive Tackle, Denver Broncos
Kareem McKenzie - Tackle, New York Giants
Mike Scioscia - Manager, LA/Anaheim/California Angels, LA Angels of Anaheim

State University of New York at Cobleskill
...I've got nothing, not even a team name.

University of Vermont Catamounts
Mike Gordon; Jeff Holdsworth; Trey Anastasio - Musicians, Phish
Martin St. Louis - Right Wing, Tampa Bay Lightning
Ben Affleck - Actor
Howard Dean - BYAAA!
Erik Liljegren - FOX News correspondent (I thought it said Lief Erikson at first)

State University of New York at Cortland Red Dragons
R-Kal K-Quan Truluck - Offensive Tackle, Montreal Alouttes, CFL
Kevin George Knipfing - Comedian, better know by his stage name, Kevin James
Mick Foley - Best-selling author(wtf?), professional wrestler Mankind
Jake Steinfeld - 'Body by Jake'
Dikembe Mutombo received an honorary degree

Hamilton College Continentals
Alex Haley - Author, Roots
Steven I. Wulf - Cofounder, ESPN Magazine
Leigh Keno - Appraiser, 'Antiques Roadshow'

University of Delaware Fightin' Blue Hens

Jospeh Biden - 2008 Presidential Candidate
Rich Gannon - Former NFL Quarterback
Kevin Mench - Milwaukee Brewers Outfielder
Justin Bresson - Professional seal trainer
Jason Jeandell - "Teacher, geographer extraordinaire!"

New York University Violets
Woody Allen - Actor, Director
Martin Scorcese - Film Director
Spike Lee - Film Director
Adam Sandler - Actor, Comedian
J.D. Salinger
Gary Bettman - NHL Commissioner
Paul Tagliabue - Former NFL Commissioner
Neil Diamond - Musician
Rick Rubin - Music producer
Gaik Ovakimian - Soviet spy

University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill Tar Heels
Heather Monroe-Blum - Principal, McGill University
Lewis Black - Comedian
Stuart Scott - BOOYAH
James K. Polk - 11th President of the United States
Mike Nifong - Head prosecutor in Duke Lacrosse case (disbarred)
Michael Jordan - Former AA Baseball player; Actor, Space Jam
Vince Carter - Guard, New Jersey Nets
Julius Peppers - Defensive End, Carolina Panthers
Lawrence Taylor - Former NFL Linebacker, Crackhead

Darmouth College Big Green
Nelson Rockefeller - Governer of New York, US Vice-President
Robert Frost - Poet
Brad Ausmus - Catcher, Houston Astros
Michael Corleone

August 12, 2007


Nick D. was allowed to go to Bar/Bat Mitzvas in middle school.

Jared Smilowitz is a legitimate human being.

Dennis Sandberg has never gone on a PCP induced wolfman-like howling session on a rooftop.

Strange men do not hover about Van Tassel waiting for pick-up games to materialize.

This (left) is legitimate in every single way imaginable.

Spencer Dunn is completely heterosexual.

Malt Shop Memories is a terrible infomercial.

Jared Smilowitz has never been served.

Sandberg and Noonan have never gone over to Jackie Pizz's crib to "play duck hunt and Simpsons trivia."

Barry Bonds is a class act.

August 4, 2007

Wheel of Fortune

I've noticed that in recent years, the 'fortunes' inside of fortune cookies have become less of fortunes and more like 'ruminations for the philosopher on the run.' Today, though, the magical slip of destiny gave me an actual fortune: "You will succeed in everything." Inspired by this, I figured I'd succeed in posting my Chinese Fortune Cookie Hall of Fame:

"You love Chinese food."
"If you are still hungry, have another fortune cookie."
"Lucky you. Get out your party clothes. The clean ones."

The lotto...I mean 'lucky'...numbers on these don't match up, so I guess I won't be successful in winning the lottery, which is too bad, because that had been my career plan up until now. But, as they say, "HEEEYYYYYYY...ya neva know."

July 28, 2007

Things We've Convinced Ourselves Are True

DiPaolo's dad is Ron Jeremy.

The Mets are still paying off Mo Vaughn's contract.

Sudeep was on Jeopardy...along with Marvia Oates, Cristina Moncada, and Paul Cody.

Phil threw up in a girl's mouth and/or vag.

Sandberg's wang could crush a bear.

Jose Reyes starts every single sentence with the phrase "I mean, you know..."

Nick D. is wrong 100% of the time.

Ronde Barber robs banks while messed up on coke, while Tiki reads to underprivileged school children.

DiPaolo's favorite book is the Joy Luck Club.

Mrs. Nick D holds rank in the U.S. military.

We're any of us to go sees-fo-sees (6-6) we would say "Wow."

There is a bear on Arthur Avenue.

Juan Gonzalez and Nappy Roots are playing backgammon in a cellar in some far away
galaxy after having vanished off the face of the earth.

Block leads a double life as Eli Manning.

Little Girl has sucked off 72% of the male population in the Hudson Valley.

Seeing that Grande, putting a DeVito on a DiPaolo, or whet-weeing a misfoot are conceivable situations.

John Papalia is Bobby Valentine.

Steve Smith's girlfriend had an extra flap of skin on her vagina. It was subsequently operated on.

Compiled by Juan C., Smilo, Killa Kame, Sandberg, Nick D.
(Yes, for a collaborative effort this is pathetic.)

Dedicated to Sandberg's genitalia.

July 24, 2007

A Recently Uncovered List of Formerly Suggested Band Names

Jurassic Positions
Jurassic Dynogasms
Prehistoric Pussy Pounders
Dr. Pep and the Gender Benders
Erectosaurus Rex
Fuck Little Girl
A Jurassic Dynogasmic Journey to Funkytown
Drunken Apes
Lou Reed's Booty Call
Jurassic Rape
Doing 20
Dinosaurs Having Sex
Wilt Chamberlain's First Five


July 6, 2007

This Week's Signs of the Apocalypse

This is a collection of random sports facts and figures that I have collected over many years of research. All of these should be true, some might not be updated so if they aren't just shut the fuck up.

- Jeff Garcia is 4th on the all time NFL passing efficiency list.

- When you add the ages of David Wright and Jose Reyes you get the age of Julio Franco (supposedly 48)

- Mo Vaughn attended Trinity-Pawling High School located in Pawling, New York.

- Of all the recent high school basketball superstars, Kwame Brown was the first high school basketball player selected as the first overall pick in the NBA Draft out of High School. He currently averages 4.5 points per game.

- Both Indiana State and Stanford have mascots that are trees.

- The average attendance of a WNBA game since the league began is 9,442. 8,162 of those being dykes.

- Rey Ordonez had 5 more triples (17) than home runs (12) in his entire MLB career.

-Eli Manning is a bitch.

- Tim Couch was ranked the sixth best high school athlete in the history of high school athletics in this country by ESPN.

- Patrick Ewing was born in Jamaica.

- The Mets 2 Triple-A catchers are 38 year old Mike DiFelice and 41 year old Sandy Alomar Jr.

- The winners of the "National QB Award" from 1998 to 2003
1998 - Michael Bishop - Kansas State
1999 - Joe Hamilton - Georgia Tech
2000 - Chris Weinke - Florida State
2001 - Eric Crouch - Nebraska
2002 - Brad Banks - Iowa
2003 - Jason White - Oklahoma

- Dennis Miller was actually on Monday Night Football.

- The WUSA, Women's United Soccer Association, lasted just 3 years. The three champions were the Bay Area CyberRays, Carolina Courage and the Washington Freedom. Not only did this league blow ass, but the names of the teams were fucking ridiculous. I guess chicks can put together a successful athletic league........

- Some notable home run derby participants from past years
- Bobby Bonilla
- Ruben Sierra
- Raul Mondesi
- Damion Easely
- John Jaha
- Henry Rodriguez?

- Michael Jordan had 8 more errors (11) than home runs (3) in his baseball career. he also batted .202.

- Benny Agbayani appeared on the Howard Stern Show before the Mets faced the Yanks in the 2000 World Series predicting that the Mets would win it all.

- In the 6th grade Anthony Morelli guided thew St. Bartholomew Bruins JV basketball team to a Diocesan championship. (this was on wikipedia)

- Anthony Morelli is a douche bag.

- Danny Almonte, the "El Duque" of the Little League World Series, was cut by the Southern Illinois Miners of the Frontier League after posting a 0-1 record with an ERA of 5.28.

- The Tampa Bay Devils Rays could barely fill the 9,500 seat baseball stadium at Disney's Wide World of Sports. This was a regular season game. haha the d-rays kid.

- The Nashville Predators used to play in "The Gaylord Entertainment Center".

This is all I got right now. If you have any of your own please share in your comments. Like I said before, if any of these are slightly incorrect or out of date just keep it to yourself. p.s. people should write more bonsai articles. peace kid.

July 4, 2007

No Jokes. Just Quotes and Facts From 12 of the Most Ridiculous Minutes of My Life

“You google ‘hero’ tomorrow and Abe Lincoln will come up then maybe Neil Armstrong and Taylor Hicks, but then Joey Chestnut.” -On what would happen were Joey Chestnut to win the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Competition

"Unbelievable valor from that man right there Joey Chestnut. Joey Chestnut, a true American Hero.” - Stated right after Chestnut's victory

There is a competitive eater who is a direct descendant of Daniel Boone. When he comes on stage the announcer belts out the entire pedigree. It appears that the same gene that produced the man on whose adventure the Last of the Mohicans was based has also produced a 303-pound behemoth who can eat 274 Russian Dumplings in 6 minutes.

Throwing up was referred to as a “reversal of fortune.”

The Hot Dog Eating Competition on ESPN was followed by a rerun of The National Spelling Bee. What was on ESPN2 you ask? A live telecast of the Wimbledon quarterfinal match between #1 seed Justine Henin and U.S. tennis icon Serena Williams.

June 29, 2007

All I Got Right Now

One of the 18 channels that come in clearly at my grandma's house in the Colombian countryside is BYU television. Fuck you Mormon community. Do you not realize that lame highlights of your butch, softball team (redundant) are never going to motivate Colombians sign up for a religion which nazes booze and stresses the reading of another book?

Avril Lavigne’s “girlfriend” is the worst song ever recorded.

There’s a place in Florida called “Bare Necessities” which is part liquor store and part porn store which turns into a strip club at night. My question: How can a place which claims to have the “bare necessities” not sell fireworks or crystal meth?

The audience on Family Feud is composed purely of Zombies. Have your doubts? Watch it (I don’t recommend this) and wait until they reveal the answers that were missed. At this point you will realize that there’s no way the people in the stands do not eat Evangelical Christian’s brains and waddle slowly with their arms stretched out.

I just saw a kid wearing a shirt that said “Be Your Own Champion.” What the fuck does that even mean? The reason kids are growing up to be sheltered tools is because we allow them to think lame shit like that is gonna fly. In fact, I would not be the least surprised to find out that the entire Birdsall family wears that shirt to family reunions, where they participate in their annual witch/homo/black peep/gypsy hunt. Seriously though, is it possible for someone else to be your own champion? P.S. the Birdsalls get off to drowning minorities.

May 6, 2007

Beware the hooded man

An investigation that was closed last spring is now seeing a strong revival. During an otherwise quiet night last spring, a young hooded man was seen and video taped buying two cartons of grade-A eggs at a local gas station at approximately 10:30 PM. This young man, along with a number of accomplices we suppose, then committed a most heinous crime. He threw those eggs. Ballistic experts say they were thrown at a velocity that could decapitate a small person (small person meaning a dwarf or midget or someone like block, but not block because his head and neck muscles are ten times stronger than that of a normal human), or at least leave his face very sticky. This pervert did not throw 24 eggs at a person however, though he is most likely very capable. No, instead he dressed a nice christian household in yolk and the white stuff like a college co-ed in a KY jelly match. Simply disgusting. Detectives never saw anything like it. An officer Fitzgerald, upon arriving at the scene, began to vomit uncontrolably, ruining his finely trimmed handlebar mustouche that had become his trademark after years of painstaking beautification and other 'douchebaggery'. - On a distant side note, wikipedia experts have successfully traced the origins of "those guys" to this Fitzgerald character.- But, back to the suspect. Various anonymous tips and and torture endeavours have given us new information about this hooded ring leader, causing us to reopen this case. This madman must be stopped. The whole egging incident lasted about two minutes. Even if accomplices were present, the hooded man would have had to fire those projectiles at an unbelievably rapid pace. Doctors are saying that in order to do so, one would have to have almost super human fast twitch muscles, undoubtedly the result of chronic J.O-ing (2-3 times per day) for years. There's a small possiblity that they could be a result of many hours of rock & roll drumming, or perhaps a lethal combination of the two. In any case, the suspect is very deadly. The police have also come to believe that this suspect is related to a number of cases of pedifelia in the midwest. In the Dakotas a tale has been brewing of a hooded man who roams the land. He is believed to be the violator of three 11 year-old girls. One girl, who shall remain nameless, was brave enough to say a few words. "I couldn't get a very good look at him" she said, "he was wearing a hoodie, and it was dark. I would say he looked chinese, but I can't be sure. He told me to call him Popolio, and he was touching my feet a lot." Upon being asked to indicate on a doll where else he touched her, she said, "Right here," pointing to the rear of the non-gender doll. She then began to weep. After this sicko performed unspeakable acts he left 11 broken eggs on the girl's house. Simply disgusting. Popolio, a catchy name for a pervert. It is greek for "he who likes them bare". He is a dangerous man who knows just how sick he is. A real life Hannibal Lecter. What we know is he rocks the hoodie quite often. Young girls and egging are his forte. We believe he got his first taste of the life after the two carton fiasco and couldn't stop there. He headed west for new adventures and younger women. He has unbelievable fast twitch arm muscles, the result of a chronic masturbation problem and is possibly a drummer. He might be chinese. Possible foot fetish. Most importantly "Popolio" is a huge pervert. Beware. Keep your daughters safe and if you have any information, please contact the Potato. Be safe.

All in good fun and morbidness.

April 18, 2007

An Open Letter to '24' Fans

Jack Bauer is a fictional character. Act accordingly.

April 2, 2007

Joakim Noah

Joakim Noah (seen below) has officially become the lamest, douchiest, most grotesque anorexic yeti to ever play college basketball finally passing Shelden Williams. That being said I'd mos def slide his mom.

January 31, 2007

January 29, 2007

January 19, 2007

Reasons Why Phil Is An Ass

  1. He has OCD.
  2. A 17th century European queen, what with her giant ass thing and powdered wig, could get her shit together faster than he could.
  3. He thinks canceling out in math is better than sex.
  4. One night over this past winter break very minimal amounts of alcohol were consumed yet Phil could not manage to shut the fuck up or at least stop singing off-key for even 5 minutes.
  5. He may not have ‘The General’ but Sal is at least a Colonel.
  6. The face he makes while doing anything.
  7. Look at him.
  8. He thinks cottage cheese is better than sex.
  9. He, without a doubt, has more total handballs in pickup soccer games than every other player on both teams combined (averages 1.8 per game).
  10. If ever there is the slightest discomfort on any of his body parts he will pester everyone incessantly…he’s a little bitch.
  11. He thinks finishing work that’s been hanging over his head for a while is better than sex.
  12. His hamstring, and I quote, “exploded.”
  13. Rice to Riches.
  14. He has the uncanny ability to make anything boring.
  15. He is always pushing up the front of his hair while making a douchey face and looking upwards.
  16. He cannot drive. On a similar note, he refused to go on route 6.
  17. He sucks at existence.
  18. Penisintolittlekids is no longer Myspace's crown jewel.

January 17, 2007

A Brief History of Bonsai Potato

Bonsai Potato cracked 6000 on the hit counter recently, and it got me thinking. Of late, posts have been few and far between. Articles of great consequence have given way to unfinished drafts and excessive posts of pictures. This is nothing entirely new – Bonsai has seen its weak times before. However, there now looms the frightening possibility that our “noble experiment” will finally fail for good. Some may say that this suggestion is blasphemous, but I only speak the truth. But Bonsai has not died yet. It cannot die. And it will not die… as long as those of us who pledged our lives, liberty, and sacred honor remember why we did so that fateful Monday, May 16, 2005.

In the words of our creator, “For the first time, a good idea we had has been followed up upon. All of the crazy shit we say is now available to all, be they normal or sucky. Here, all of the things and people we laugh at, make fun of, or just get pissed of at will finally be in print. This site will be open to articles from all people that are deemed not to suck, so that they too may abuse their freedom of speech. Now, those who deserve to be ridiculed will be, and those who should be shat upon will be covered in fecal matter. This concludes my unnecessarily formal introduction, and is the end of all formality and calmness on this site forever.”
In response to this declaration, ethan k prophetically commented, “wow. i am pumped. i dont know if the world is ready for this.” And, thus, it began.

When we joined Bonsai, we swore ourselves to its mission, a mission that we faithfully carried out from right from the geckle. We tore on dads, teachers, and characters such as Poops and Steve Smith. Writing styles, including narrative, editorial, and, of course, random list (of things to imagine Mrs. White doing), were employed with great skill and led to countless successful posts. During those final two months of junior year, Bonsai Potato made a strong showing and established its permanence as more than just another idea, like SHS radio. Its audience grew beyond those writing for it, and it became a powerful force in the underground.
However, with the school year ending and the publication of “Dipping Sauce,” things went downhill. The end of June saw two unfinished drafts, and the rest of the summer brought only a few picture posts. By September, Bonsai was all but forgotten, and the respectable post “Mirror, Mirror” went virtually unnoticed, although it did set up the precedent for further “look-a-like” articles. Then, in what we may legitimately call its first “dark age,” Bonsai went four full months without a single post…

Finally, in the first weeks of 2006, the dry spell was broken with very solid posts on “Miller’s Dealing” and “A Randomly Assembled History of ‘the Shocker.’” I’ll add that, at this point in the year, academic duties of any kind began diminishing until they virtually did not exist (the exception being copying three months of Italian homework on the last day of the semester the period before we had signora). March arrived with its usual NCAA/NAACP madness, but this year, insanity began to erupt on Bonsai too. It was S“pring”, a time “when baseball players have the farmers tan…when Mr. Miller stops wearing suspenders…when Bonsai Potato regains its former glory.”
This was the start of Bonsai’s golden age. A third of all of our articles ever posted were put up in this period from March through May, and they were some of the best. Two, three, or even four posts could go up in a single day. There are far too many great pieces to mention them all, but one must be noted. “Now that would be Awesome,” was Bonsai Potato’s Emancipation Proclamation, elevating our endeavor to something higher and revealing to us what was truly at stake. It recognizes what had been a great year up to that point and calls us out to make it a fucking amazing one. Most important, Rob comes out and says everything that went through each of our minds but we never said. Who gives a shit what the school, other students, or certain parents think about what we write; we are free to write it. This was and is the voice of Bonsai.
After “Now that would be Awesome,” several weeks passed without a post, not so much from a lack of dedication but rather from our writers being preoccupied with legal issues. But the great posts resumed soon after and continued until the end of the year. The summer of ‘06 saw a repeat of the pattern of forgotten drafts and excessive pictures, and, although noble attempts were made, the autumn proved very weak. This can be attributed to a combination of sub-par posts and coerced article modifications from a certain father. But now with the favorites link to Bonsai and the browsing history on my home computer deleted, access to the site by my computer illiterate parents is nearly impossible. But this shouldn’t even matter. We shouldn’t care who reads Bonsai or what they think. Freedom of speech does exist, and it exists right here. Juan, put your article on Dads back up. Never has there been a more appropriate time for Rob’s call – “Viva La Bonsai.”

It was one year ago to the day that the article “Miller’s Dealing” put an end to Bonsai’s darkest times. And, now, it’s time once again that “those who deserve to be ridiculed will be, and those who should be shat upon will be covered in fecal matter.” But don’t just read my brief history of Bonsai Potato and tell yourself that you’ve been meaning to post something. Look back upon some of the classics and actually read them. If you do, I guarantee that you will not be able to sit idly by and watch our highest achievement deteriorate into nothingness. You’ve got something to say, so sit the fuck down and say it here where it will be heard.