Ok. Prom is June 8th and I think every guy has a date. As mentioned in a previous post, females tend to get a little too excited and possessive about prom. Guys just tend to go with the flow and do whatever the chicks plan because we know that prom isn’t really about prom. Yeah its nice and fun to dress up in tuxedos, dance, and eat filet mignon (Phil actually ordered the salmon…..what a bitch), but honestly who gives a shit? The actual prom part of prom will consist of reluctantly taking pictures and running away from an extremely horny Miss Cawley (special warning to Matt Suraci, John Veg, Mike Sanzillo, Marc Yannocone and Nick D, in that order).
The only things I want to see at Candlewood Inn are for Mrs. White to do the robot, Mr Boire grind up on Mr. Bernecker, and Miss Timone makeout with Miss Tahan. Cause honestly prom isn’t about formality and elegance, its about Seaside and its about the chicks. To quote Dane Cook no straight guy before prom ever says, “Yo man, fuck chicks tonight. I wanna dance”.
Seaside Heights is where it’s at. If we tried, we wouldn’t be able to find a place as scummy or dirty as where we’re going. The only true inhabitants of the town are rats and illegitimate children who have been abandoned by their teenage parents. But its funny how beautiful Seaside can be when about a bee-in drunk and stupid seniors are crammed into approximately 5 motels. Here is my rendition of what will happen when Somers High School invades Seaside Heights June 9th:
June 8th, midnight- Prom is over and people begin to leave Candlewood Inn. New York New York is playing so we’re all in a good mood. Everybody starts piling in their limos and busses, everyone that is, except for Ryan D (D gets in what he thinks is a limo but it is really a tree). Miss Cawley gets in a sketchy white Econoline which proceeds to follow Suraci’s limo (hmmm?).
June 9th 0140 hours- Ryan D’s limo is about to cross the GW bridge when they discover Ryan D is not with them. Everyone is down for leaving D until Mike Jones points out that Ryan has all the alcohol. Almost immediately, everyone changes their minds and the limo turns around to pick him up. By now, Suraci’s limo is passing Miss Cawley’s house but for some reason the white Econoline continues to follow the limo.
June 9th 0220 hours- Ryan D is found at Candlewood Inn making out with the statue of a naked woman. He only stops when he realizes that everyone in his limo is staring at him. Upon entering the limo there is complete silence for ten minutes, then Ryan D passes out.
June 9th 0330 hours- All limos have safely reached Seaside Heights, New Jersey. The only limo that was stopped and checked was Jimmy’s. However, when the cop sticks his head in the door to see if he can smell alcohol, Lou G puts on his brass knuckles and punches the officer in the face shouting, “a Lou G, a Lou G, a Lou G”. The limo then speeds off and proceeds as if nothing has happened. Back in Seaside we find that Miss Cawley is conveniently staying in the room right adjacent to Suraci’s.
June 9th 1000 hours- We wake up to a beautiful and clear Seaside morning. The only person to eat breakfast is Hamilton, who prepares himself a cupa tea and some crumpets. Everyone decides to head over to the beach to maybe catch a little sun or do a little swimming. Alex Simmons is the first one in the water and he begins to swim out beyond where he can stand. It is at this point when he remembers black people can’t swim and he begins to drown. Everybody starts to panic until out of nowhere, Dirty Joey “Hollister” Sanchez swoops in on a surfboard and saves Simmons from the clutches of death. He brings him to shore where he proceeds to give Alex mouth to mouth CPR. Veg comments that he looks like a dead fish and Papalia chimes in that he looks pretty crappy. Suddenly, Simmons smiles then puts the move on Dirty, only Dirty doesn’t resist. (I know this is weird but hey, its Seaside!, you never know)
June 9th 1030 hours- By now, Kev U has found his way over to the beach volleyball courts where a bunch of kids from Yorktown are playing. Kev U joins them but is given 5 fags as teammates. Kev U says, “Fuck this. I hate faggots” and soon it is all of Yorktown HS versus Kev U. All that can be heard from the court is the sound of Kev U spiking the ball at peoples heads and screaming, “You like that bitch!!!”. In any case the final score is Yorktown HS- 0, Kev U- 104.
June 9th 1345 hours- Everybody goes back to the motels expecting to eat lunch except that they realize everyone’s bagged lunches have been stolen. Somebody asks, “who would steal 200 bagged lunches?”. This question is answered when Kamer finds a bloated Miss Cawley (Big Girl) stuck in the doorframe of his motel. Fortunately for the males at Seaside, Miss Cawley remains stuck in the doorframe for the remaining duration of the trip (Suraci can breathe now).
June 9th 1800 hours- Its time to GWKC (get wrecked kid cheoo) and Party Kid Whaaaa (both of these happen to be playlists on Mike J’s I-Pod….btw). Everyone heads into their rooms and when they come out everyone is absolutely trashed.
Sorry but this is all I have time to write. If I post it after seaside, then there is no point. Go ahead and rip on me but you can all suck my ass. It was a good idea. PEACE KID!