May 14, 2006

The Good, The Bad and The Bean

Alex Bean as we know him now is a track superstar. He has broken many-a-record during his lengthy track career, but little does one know in eighth grade Alex Bean was a badass. Yes, a badass, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and consider him to be a professional badass. How, you might be asking yourself, well in this next five minutes I am going to inform you of the dirty deeds that he committed throughout the long and strenuous eighth grade.

One of the most distinct memories of mine about Alex Bean was on the first day of eighth grade. I checked my schedule and saw that I had the famous Mrs. Storra for eighth period history. "Great," I thought to myself, "This shit class towards the end of the day, fuck this." I entered the classroom and was hit in the face by a barrage of characters. Sitting in the front row, doing god knows what, is Ryan Dietrichs. I think we all know what his deal is. Behind him was Matt Newman, one of those classic "everyone's friend" kids…a must have in every class. I took my seat next to Newman and looked around the rest of the room. Ethan Kamer was also in the class and he was sitting next to Bean. There were enough jerk offs in this class to make fun of all year, so I can't say I was too frustrated at this point. Storra walked in and class began. BORING SHIT let me tell you, so boring the Alex Bean began to grow tired and made one of the biggest loudest yawns I have ever heard in my short time here on earth. Storra stopped talking and asked his name, she then moved him to the front row right in front of her. Foreshadowing for the rest of the year? Yes. Bean's front seat didn't faze him much, and of course myself and Dietrichs were out of control. As the year progressed Kamer began joining in on the fun and our seats were constantly being switched. It got to the point where both myself and Bean were put in the back corner of the classroom. Terrible decision on Storra's part because the antics just kicked up form here. More times then not we would play pencil baseball, and more times then not we would be caught doing so. Writing on the desks was a daily occurrence and the back of Mrs. Storras classroom could be considered the birthplace of characters. We would throw shit around, talk loudly and one ominous day cheered Ryan on as he downed sugar packets from the back of the classroom. Storra HATED Alex Bean, and the reason he was not in honors history all of high school was due to that class.

An Alex Bean in class and an Alex Bean at recess were two different people. Inside the school he had a big mouth, outside he got physical. I recall one day at recess I had acquired a digital camera from my parents and it took short ten second videos. What better to film the Alex being out of control? While Ryan was distracting Mr. Bucci by literally running circles around him Bean had an idea. He said put the camera on Phil and start filming when he began running. I did as I was told, and what I saw was possibly the funniest thing I had seen that entire year. I was peering through the camera lens when out of nowhere Bean comes into the picture and SPEARS Phil. It looked like a textbook football tackle, shoulder into his back straight into the ground, hardcore shit. Bean began laughing, but from what I remember, it took Phil a second or two to regain himself. Later in the year at recess Bean got a string of after school detentions. Three days in a row he did something dick enough to warrant detention. The first day was because he took Kev U's mini banana and roofed it. The next day it was because he stole a ball from Paul Cody (I think), and roofed it. The third day was because of his part in the baseball/lacrosse wars. I applauded him on all three, they were very funny. He was threatened by the biggest bitch in an authorities role, Mr. "I wear pink sweaters" Persampari. Guy was a total tool. Anyway, he was threatened by him that if he got detention one more time he would be suspended. Bean cooled his recess antics for a little but, but found a new love for the John Veg invented game KONE KICKING.

On the two school trips we had at the end of the year Bean had his swansong of badass-ness. During Greenkill John Veg and me had found an interest in a certain staff member. He looked very much like the lead singer from System of a Down. We took it upon ourselves to approach him and ask him if he, in fact, was the lead singer of System of a Down. Knowing damn well he wasn't we were yelled at by this individual. It was a cheap thrill. Not to be outdone Bean took matters into his own hands to find a staff member who looked very similar to one David Beckham. Not only did this pervert look like him, gelled hair and all, he also talked, walked and played soccer like him. The rest of the trip every time Bean saw this guy he would yell out "DAVID BECKHAM!!!" We later found out that this guy had, what seemed to me, an obsession with David Beckham. At the end of the trip we all found ourselves making triangles with out hands and holding them up to our hair to look like this guy. He thought we liked him…we were mocking that douche bag. The bunk situation in Greenkill was a whole other story. Ten kids to a room, I can't remember all ten who were in the room but that doesn't really matter; what matters are the ridiculous stunts Bean pulled in the bunks. Someone had brought a mock WWF championship wrestling belt along with them on the trip. Since I was very into wrestling, and so was Bean, we decided it would be fun to beat the shit out of people and then romp around the bunk, and entire cabin, hoisting the belt above our heads. Imagings if we had smoked pot back then, imagine some of the wild things we would have done. Nevertheless, Bean came to the conclusion that I wasn't necessary as a partner to beat up people with, so I was speared onto one of the beds, belt stripped away from me, and he was flying solo. We reunited about 5 minutes later, but still, a ridiculous stunt. My favorite bunk stunt was when Bean woke up a sleeping Noah Sandburg by jumping on top of him from one bunk to another. I don't think Noah and his horse dick appreciated that very much.

Finally, the Lake Compounce trip, something we had all been looking forward too after we had heard about it. Rides, food and all the soda we could drink, pretty fucking sweet if you ask me. It was a shitty day when we went, raining on and off, but that didn't stop us. About halfway through the day Ryan Dietrichs comes back from wandering around telling us he's found the best ride in the entire park. He was dripping wet but we all though he was playing in puddles or something. We followed him to the ass end of the park when we finally saw it. A water ride, where you sit in a raft, about eight people, and go down this "raging river," of whitewater and get fucking soaked. We did it once and we were hooked. As we are going up the conveyer belt which drops you into the white water Bean leans over and whispers something to me. I'm sure some of you remember the berating I received from one Alison Notter on the Greenkill trip, where I was told how ugly and unintelligent I was; well apparently this was still fresh in Bean's mind, and although it had nothing to do with him, he wanted payback. What he whispered to me brought a very VERY large smile to my face, I told him next time we go around we would act out the plan. We enjoyed the ride and now we were all business. SHOW TIME. As we wait online I see Notter and her group of raft riders behind us waiting to go on again. I was so pumped to do this; I hated this girl back then. We enter the ride and I inform everyone of what we were doing. I don't know why, but everyone was down to act upon the plan. Notter's group gets on the ride and we just go into song, replacing half a line form this comical blink-182 song with a line of our own.

It would be nice, to have a blow job,
It would be nice, to have a blow job,
It would be nice, to have a blow job,
It would be nice, to have a blow job, "FROM ALISON NOTTER!!!."

Wait a minuet…did this actually happen? Did we actually just yell this out to the queen of hotties? There is no way we had the balls to do this, right? WRONG. We did it; we did it THIRTEEN FUCKING TIMES. Each time we went on the ride we yelled that shit out loud and proud. Although, I'm not so sure she heard us, and come to think of it, I'm pretty glad she didn't hear it, because I was in for another slandering if she did. Regardless, it was a fantastic stunt and a brilliant idea from the master of eighth grade scheme.

Looking back I think everyone appreciated Alex Bean and what he did in eighth grade. If it weren't for Bean would we have loved bush diving as much as we did? If it wasn't for Bean would "characters," have existed? Think about an AlexBeanless eighth grade, because I certainly can not picture it.


Allison Not Her said...

Hey boys!!! I think I want to take you up on that blowjob offer :). Just give me a ring. I hear trackstars are HUGE.

thespicyspaniard said...

well said... and i completely forgot about that spearing... so dick

Aaaalrightythen said...

phil you only got speared because you were the only bitch Bean could get. And it wasnt was awesome.

Mr. Bucci said...


Anonymous said...

How about the new poll question being, WHo is Most likely to get arrested at Seaside? Ryan D, James V. Gumbatz, Mike Jones, or the real Mike Jones

The Hebrew Hammer said...

was that the first time phil laid on the ground for far too long after being "injured"? what "exploded" that time?

Anonymous said...

He ruptured a sphincter.