May 14, 2006

The Good, The Bad and The Bean

Alex Bean as we know him now is a track superstar. He has broken many-a-record during his lengthy track career, but little does one know in eighth grade Alex Bean was a badass. Yes, a badass, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and consider him to be a professional badass. How, you might be asking yourself, well in this next five minutes I am going to inform you of the dirty deeds that he committed throughout the long and strenuous eighth grade.

One of the most distinct memories of mine about Alex Bean was on the first day of eighth grade. I checked my schedule and saw that I had the famous Mrs. Storra for eighth period history. "Great," I thought to myself, "This shit class towards the end of the day, fuck this." I entered the classroom and was hit in the face by a barrage of characters. Sitting in the front row, doing god knows what, is Ryan Dietrichs. I think we all know what his deal is. Behind him was Matt Newman, one of those classic "everyone's friend" kids…a must have in every class. I took my seat next to Newman and looked around the rest of the room. Ethan Kamer was also in the class and he was sitting next to Bean. There were enough jerk offs in this class to make fun of all year, so I can't say I was too frustrated at this point. Storra walked in and class began. BORING SHIT let me tell you, so boring the Alex Bean began to grow tired and made one of the biggest loudest yawns I have ever heard in my short time here on earth. Storra stopped talking and asked his name, she then moved him to the front row right in front of her. Foreshadowing for the rest of the year? Yes. Bean's front seat didn't faze him much, and of course myself and Dietrichs were out of control. As the year progressed Kamer began joining in on the fun and our seats were constantly being switched. It got to the point where both myself and Bean were put in the back corner of the classroom. Terrible decision on Storra's part because the antics just kicked up form here. More times then not we would play pencil baseball, and more times then not we would be caught doing so. Writing on the desks was a daily occurrence and the back of Mrs. Storras classroom could be considered the birthplace of characters. We would throw shit around, talk loudly and one ominous day cheered Ryan on as he downed sugar packets from the back of the classroom. Storra HATED Alex Bean, and the reason he was not in honors history all of high school was due to that class.

An Alex Bean in class and an Alex Bean at recess were two different people. Inside the school he had a big mouth, outside he got physical. I recall one day at recess I had acquired a digital camera from my parents and it took short ten second videos. What better to film the Alex being out of control? While Ryan was distracting Mr. Bucci by literally running circles around him Bean had an idea. He said put the camera on Phil and start filming when he began running. I did as I was told, and what I saw was possibly the funniest thing I had seen that entire year. I was peering through the camera lens when out of nowhere Bean comes into the picture and SPEARS Phil. It looked like a textbook football tackle, shoulder into his back straight into the ground, hardcore shit. Bean began laughing, but from what I remember, it took Phil a second or two to regain himself. Later in the year at recess Bean got a string of after school detentions. Three days in a row he did something dick enough to warrant detention. The first day was because he took Kev U's mini banana and roofed it. The next day it was because he stole a ball from Paul Cody (I think), and roofed it. The third day was because of his part in the baseball/lacrosse wars. I applauded him on all three, they were very funny. He was threatened by the biggest bitch in an authorities role, Mr. "I wear pink sweaters" Persampari. Guy was a total tool. Anyway, he was threatened by him that if he got detention one more time he would be suspended. Bean cooled his recess antics for a little but, but found a new love for the John Veg invented game KONE KICKING.

On the two school trips we had at the end of the year Bean had his swansong of badass-ness. During Greenkill John Veg and me had found an interest in a certain staff member. He looked very much like the lead singer from System of a Down. We took it upon ourselves to approach him and ask him if he, in fact, was the lead singer of System of a Down. Knowing damn well he wasn't we were yelled at by this individual. It was a cheap thrill. Not to be outdone Bean took matters into his own hands to find a staff member who looked very similar to one David Beckham. Not only did this pervert look like him, gelled hair and all, he also talked, walked and played soccer like him. The rest of the trip every time Bean saw this guy he would yell out "DAVID BECKHAM!!!" We later found out that this guy had, what seemed to me, an obsession with David Beckham. At the end of the trip we all found ourselves making triangles with out hands and holding them up to our hair to look like this guy. He thought we liked him…we were mocking that douche bag. The bunk situation in Greenkill was a whole other story. Ten kids to a room, I can't remember all ten who were in the room but that doesn't really matter; what matters are the ridiculous stunts Bean pulled in the bunks. Someone had brought a mock WWF championship wrestling belt along with them on the trip. Since I was very into wrestling, and so was Bean, we decided it would be fun to beat the shit out of people and then romp around the bunk, and entire cabin, hoisting the belt above our heads. Imagings if we had smoked pot back then, imagine some of the wild things we would have done. Nevertheless, Bean came to the conclusion that I wasn't necessary as a partner to beat up people with, so I was speared onto one of the beds, belt stripped away from me, and he was flying solo. We reunited about 5 minutes later, but still, a ridiculous stunt. My favorite bunk stunt was when Bean woke up a sleeping Noah Sandburg by jumping on top of him from one bunk to another. I don't think Noah and his horse dick appreciated that very much.

Finally, the Lake Compounce trip, something we had all been looking forward too after we had heard about it. Rides, food and all the soda we could drink, pretty fucking sweet if you ask me. It was a shitty day when we went, raining on and off, but that didn't stop us. About halfway through the day Ryan Dietrichs comes back from wandering around telling us he's found the best ride in the entire park. He was dripping wet but we all though he was playing in puddles or something. We followed him to the ass end of the park when we finally saw it. A water ride, where you sit in a raft, about eight people, and go down this "raging river," of whitewater and get fucking soaked. We did it once and we were hooked. As we are going up the conveyer belt which drops you into the white water Bean leans over and whispers something to me. I'm sure some of you remember the berating I received from one Alison Notter on the Greenkill trip, where I was told how ugly and unintelligent I was; well apparently this was still fresh in Bean's mind, and although it had nothing to do with him, he wanted payback. What he whispered to me brought a very VERY large smile to my face, I told him next time we go around we would act out the plan. We enjoyed the ride and now we were all business. SHOW TIME. As we wait online I see Notter and her group of raft riders behind us waiting to go on again. I was so pumped to do this; I hated this girl back then. We enter the ride and I inform everyone of what we were doing. I don't know why, but everyone was down to act upon the plan. Notter's group gets on the ride and we just go into song, replacing half a line form this comical blink-182 song with a line of our own.

It would be nice, to have a blow job,
It would be nice, to have a blow job,
It would be nice, to have a blow job,
It would be nice, to have a blow job, "FROM ALISON NOTTER!!!."

Wait a minuet…did this actually happen? Did we actually just yell this out to the queen of hotties? There is no way we had the balls to do this, right? WRONG. We did it; we did it THIRTEEN FUCKING TIMES. Each time we went on the ride we yelled that shit out loud and proud. Although, I'm not so sure she heard us, and come to think of it, I'm pretty glad she didn't hear it, because I was in for another slandering if she did. Regardless, it was a fantastic stunt and a brilliant idea from the master of eighth grade scheme.

Looking back I think everyone appreciated Alex Bean and what he did in eighth grade. If it weren't for Bean would we have loved bush diving as much as we did? If it wasn't for Bean would "characters," have existed? Think about an AlexBeanless eighth grade, because I certainly can not picture it.

May 13, 2006

Look- A -Likes

Here are some look-a-likes that I have compiled over the last few months, which I feel like I should share with everyone. For some of these people I do not have pictures for, so you will have to deal with it. I did not come up with all of these on my own; I just feel the need to let everyone see what many of us have been talking about this year.

Mike J. vs. Mike J Look-a-Like - “J” look-a-like is a freshman kid that was discovered a few months ago, when someone realized that there was another Mike Jones roaming the halls. All I know about this kid is that he might not even be Asian at all, and that he does not pack lips as fat as the real Mike J does.

Nick Debellis vs. Jason Biggs – Similar in so many ways.

Mrs. Debellis vs. Parula Bell – If you have not seen Parula from the Yorktown Taco Bell, I suggest you make the trip because even Nick D. will admit that she looks like his mom.

Mr. Debellis vs. Eugene Levy – The third uncanny Debellis family look-a-like.

Block vs. Block – Lets not lie to ourselves, block has no neck and is shaped like a square.

Florida Gator’s Center Joakim Noah vs. The Worlds Ugliest Dog – Joakim is quite possibly the ugliest athlete I have seen since Patrick Ewing and McMonk. He has a ridiculous resemblance to the world’s ugliest dog.

Somers Junior Mike D’amore vs. UCLA guard Jordan Farmar – Many of you probably do not know both of these people but if you do you have to think that they look the same.

Lunch Lady Judy vs. Little Richard – They both wear the same amount of makeup.

Troll vs. This thing – Troll really resembles anything that isn’t attractive.

Tony Vegliante vs. Ralphie from “The Andy Milonakis Show” – They look, sound, and sometimes act the same.

Shane (the kid that sprints through the halls) vs. Lionel Richie – Give this kid 40 years and he will look identical.

May 10, 2006

Tennis, Poughkeepsie, and Platinum Teeth

This story starts one Friday afternoon, when the Somers Varsity Tennis team has an away match in Poughkeepsie. So after match, Mike Valerio and I walk from the tennis courts to the nearest McDonalds...which is about a mile or so away. I’m currently in my usual tennis away match outfit…hooded sweatshirt, sun glasses, cap, headband, knee socks…basically pretty ghetto toolish. We're currently on like the main street of Poughkeepsie, which is the headquarters of ghettoness for the Hudson Valley. Everyone was black...there were those twenty old guys riding those 20 inch bicycles and, once in awhile, when a shoddy car would pass, this one guy would cross his arms to make an X and just roar.

So anyway, Mike and I left McD's, trying to get back to Poughkeepsie High, but we got quite lost (mistake #1). After about fifteen minutes of roaming around—trying to find our way back—we end up on the sketchiest street I've ever been on. It's about dusk/evening right now, massive trees are lining the sidewalk making it even darker, and what looked like abandoned houses encircled us. So Valerio gets this phone call, and goes to sit down on this stoop, and I’m still standing on the sidewalk right by the road. I suddenly hear something booming, I look up, and see the first sign of life for the last fifteen minutes.

This black Ford Explorer is zooming down the road…its got the standard tinted glass, chrome rims, and booming speaks. I see that this truck is slowing down, and eventually stopping right next to me. I should have run away right now. I suddenly feel quite uncomfortable, because I realize what I’m wearing. I put my hood up, hoping it would make him not see me. My greatest fear comes true when the Explorer’s windows roll down, and I see a pretty hardcore black guy inside. But this guy screams out, at me, “WHATUPP NIGGA.” So this guy thinks I’m black, which pumps me up incredibly. I look around, to make sure no actual black guy is around…I look at Valerio for any advice, and I get nothing. All fear I used to feel is suddenly vanished and I’m now determined to make this guy my friend.

Since this black guy think I’m a fellow Afro-American, I decide to spit him back some of my Ebonics skills I’ve been yearning to use. So I go up to the car and say something simple like “Yo, nigga, what you need?” And yes, I dropped the n-word, just so I can say I did in front of a real non-Alex Simmons black guy. So this guy is talking back at me in rapid Ebonics…I barely understood him, mostly cause I was staring at the platinum in his teeth and I was also wondering what the fuck am I doing? I just nod and nod and he unexpectedly asks me if I want to make 200 dollars. Now, I should have said no and ran away, but honestly…I wanted to know what he exactly wanted me to do and, also, I already knew this was a good story but I wanted to bring it to the next level.

So I do a little Ali G snap and ask him what he wants me to do, and he responds “get in the car son.” I freak out, realize this is bad news, but I try to act cool and I just say “nah man.” This man doesn’t like this and replies “Look, you fuckin listen to me nigga, you do what I fuckin tell you to do…” So he’s yelling at me, blasting away a bunch of expletives, I don’t even remember what I said back, but apparently he thought it was funny, and he laughs a lot. He then goes “Aight man, if you not gonna get in, meet me at Oakley and High—

This guy looks at his rearview mirror and sees two cars zooming down FAST. He’s fuckin scared, screams out “FUCK,” stomps on the gas peddle and rolls up his window. I run away, fearing that these cars are going stop and hunt me down, but these two cars blow past us chasing the Explorer. After recovering for a couple minutes, Valerio and I walk again, but we suddenly hear gunshots.

All I know is that I'm now officialy in the same league as 50 Cent.


So, being that AP's are over, and that the temperature is consistently in the 70's, school is basically over which means its time for some end of the year awards. Just cause I feel like it, they will be in superlative form.

Most likely to shock more women than Michael Jackson does 12yr old boys- Mike Nov

Most likely to have a wang with a mass comparable to that of any Caribbean island other than fuck that, including Cuba- Noah

Most likely to live under a bridge- Troll

Most likely to be completely unintelligible at all times- Big Spizz

Most likely to get so proficient at having his fudge packed, that he can open his own candy stand, say Doug's Fudge Emporium, where he "makes it, but YOU pack it!" - Dark Prince (Runner up- DBon)

Most likely to have a nose with a mass comparable to that of Noah's wang- Nov

Most likely to be a monumental tool- Steve Smith

Most likely to perfect their sandwich making skills and end up working at Subway where they incessantly talk, in their trademark voices, about how they could kick everyone's ass and get any bitch they want-

Most likely to have ask out his prom date by putting a note in one of her books- Phil

Most likely to sodomize a prized baby goat while humming "Deutschland Uber Alles," eating babies, putting up Novosel's hood, and doing coke off a rusty, tetanus-infected knife blade which he used to stab a score of endagered manatees, all while thinking about ripping out a man's intestines and using them for rope with which to tie up innocent damsels to train tracks...and then join the Ghetto Boys- DiPaolo

Ghost Ride The Whip!

Eighth Grade Recess

Recess is a well known institution; but it is one that is often taken for granted. From kindergarten through seventh grade, it was simply a fun part of the school day. However, in eighth grade something changed. Maybe it was hormones. Maybe we sensed that it was our final year of true recess, a recess where the whole grade was together. Or maybe it was Donald Grande. All I know is that we redefined what recess was all about.

The Beginning
Eighth grade recess started like any other year – with some classic games of football in the fall. Early on, though, we could tell something was different. Sure, there was probably a sick game-winning Hail Mary and even some sicker catches, but there is only one play we still remember – Nick D. QB sneaking for a touchdown, pump-faking defenders the entire way down the field. And, consistent with this, the remainder of the year’s recesses proved to be enormous jokes as well.

Full Blown Aids
This cast of characters varied greatly, starting with the infamous Lunch Nazi on the way out to recess. This lady was the biggest BITCH ever (honestly, if u can think of a bigger one, please tell me… and I don’t mean big like tucker-big, although she was). However, the Lunch Nazi was usually easily avoided or, if not, at least outran. Once outside, one came across characters such as Mr. Conner, the massive guy with the goatee and cowboy hat who bears a strong resemblance to Satan. This guy broke up mad fights and was just the man. And then, of course, there’s Bucci. He was already the coolest teacher ever from seventh grade reading class, and his presence at recess only added to his mystique. The glasses and the hair made us all think he was really old, but soon Ryan started stealing Bucci’s red pen right from his shirt pocket. Then, we would get to see Bucci break into a full sprint, catch Ryan, and lift him up by one arm. This proved that Bucci was not an old guy but, rather, a really cool, beastly old guy who had no problem beating up kids.

Mafia Wars
As the weather got colder and Mrs. Vespe became more boring, a crime family began to form in her Italian class. After a trip to Yorktown Boces and an encounter with the Masta-Don, the hierarchy became clearer. Nick D. and I were Dons of La Famiglia Prosciutto and soon we had consiglieres, hit-men, butchers, and more. Our enemies, under the name La Famiglia Morto, were targeted at recess. However, they were weak in numbers and the mafia craze would’ve died out soon if it wasn’t for Cheese. Cheese started out small as a resistance movement to the mafias. Eventually, their numbers grew to the point where a brawl was imminent. For a solid two weeks, recess consisted of brawling and calling hits on top members of each group. In my case, most of these brawls consisted of me scoping out Matt Newman and then the two of us charging each other and punching each other in the sides for a few minutes. After a few major players were whacked, mafia wars died out.

When recess was limited to the blacktop only, our options were significantly reduced. Some jokers tried to start real games of basketball, but the ball was always hogged by the best players, and most people had no fun watching them play. Once again, it was Nick D who came through and made recess absurd. It was in these winter games of basketball that he made famous the “nick shot” – a shot taken, often one-handed and blind, with ridiculous facial expression and pose. The only thing more ridiculous than his face was the number of these shots he actually sank. And if the “nick shot” was not enough, he further entertained us with fully clothed, but still highly skilled, pole dancing. He could make several spins around the pole while outstretched and parallel to the ground. It was this mastery that earned him the title MVP, Most Valuable Pole-dancer.

The Secret Life of Jimmy Mac
Some days, despite our efforts, recess was just boring. We couldn’t provide ourselves with entertainment, so we sought it elsewhere. Usually, this meant lining up twenty guys or more along the fence and heckling Jimmy MacWhirter and his crew, which included Erin Arden and Lally. They would ignore our taunts and continue with their game of “bounce the ball on the wall” leaving us with no option but to be assholes and steal the ball. And, then, when they would tell on us, we would go tell Mr. Conner that they weren’t letting us play… and then they had to let us play. Classic.

Riots on the Streets of Somers Middle School
Once spring rolled around there was no stopping us. We all had the disease – we were infected with second degree senioritis. At the head of our rebellion was none other than Aaron Daniels. It was his creation of the high intensity sport of bush diving that started the revolution. If the appeal of throwing yourself onto a bush and being flung back wasn’t enough, which it was, we still would’ve done it – just to disobey the aids, who for some reason banned the activity. Soon, the chaotic insubordination grew into unified revolt. On the tenth anniversary of the Rodney King riots, Daniels led us in protest, running around the aids chanting “No Justice, No Peace!!!” Of course, when the end of recess bell rang, we were too excited to just enter the building quietly. We charged into the gym entrance creating a huge traffic jam. Vinnie Monaco started screaming “MOSH PIT,” while people pushed and shoved and toppled over the garbage can scattering waste everywhere. This was such a pleasurable experience for all of us that the “end of recess mosh/knock over the garbage” became tradition for the remainder of the school year.

Baseball-Lacrosse Wars
When the spring sport seasons began, the lacrosse players found it necessary to bring their three hundred dollar sticks to recess everyday and throw around a lacrosse ball. What’s the fuckin’ deal with that?! You didn’t see the baseball players bringing in gloves and bats and playing at recess, because that’s not what recess was for. You played your sport everyday after school at practice. And the lacrosse players didn’t even do it for practice. They wanted to show off that they played lacrosse and brag about their new heads and shafts. The baseball players, and baseball supporters, eventually had enough of this shit. We would line up on the fence overlooking the lower field, insult the lacrosse players, and then drown out their whining with chants. The aids tried to solve this problem by sitting us on the curb, but, when Daniels started running up and down the line high-fiving us, we got louder than before. Not knowing how to handle the situation, Mr. Wanderlingh told us all to sit on the curb, even though we were already there (amazing). For the majority of recess, the war was a verbal one. However, in the end of recess mosh pits at the gym entrance, baseball and lacrosse kids would mix and mad brawls would break out. Oh yeah, and by the way, Novosel, even though you hung around with us during this time, you were still a lax tool.

World Cup Soccer
This was the last major movement of eighth grade recess. With the introduction of soccer balls to recess and the real World Cup getting into full swing, we had little other choice. It was an every-man-for-himself rumble with a soccer ball in the middle. The goal was the baseball backstop, which sounds easy enough but, in reality, the ball was on the other side of the field most of the time, because bringing it any closer meant getting the shit tackled out of you. This is an amazing game, and we need to bring it back this year.

Kickball was a common recess pastime the entire year, but on one fateful day in May it became so much more. It was a clear day… a good day for kickball. We actually had some trouble starting our game, because so many girls were laying around in right field. We told them to leave, but they just gave us looks and ignored us. We began the game, anyway, and, for the most part, they didn’t interfere. That is until there were about five minutes left in the period. Ethan Kamer, a lefty, comes to the plate for his team, which is down by a significant margin. While he stands ready for the pitch, Laura Williams and her friends are walking in right field towards the parking lot. Ethan makes contact. He sends a sky-high shot into right, hard to judge at first, but as the ball descends it becomes clearer and clearer where it is headed. Everyone holds their breath until “DOINK!” Laura Williams is down. We all erupt in laughter and applause, and Ethan is given a legend’s welcome at home plate by both teams (heroes get remembered but legends never die). For a second, there is dispute over the call, but John Vegliante acting as umpire quickly calls an automatic win. The cheers are beginning to die down when someone points out that Laura is still on the ground. Not only this, but she is surrounded by her friends and not moving…. A second round of praise explodes! Ethan is hoisted upon our shoulders. Finally, the nurse comes out and, with the friends, helps Laura up and into the school. As recess ends and we head into the school, Laura’s friends pass by and call Ethan a jerk for what he did. This prompts round three of congratulations from all those around. And, then, it is stated that, henceforth, the tenth of May shall officially be named Ethan Kamer Day in honor of his truly extraordinary deed.

So there you have it. Eighth grade was the year that we redefined the meaning of recess… but it was also the year that recess defined us. It defined our class as we were then. Do any of you remember the very end of that school year? One of the last few days of school, a half-day I think, they handed out some shitty visors that apparently were chosen to be the eighth grade graduation gift. Beyond this I don’t remember much, except that they gave us a complimentary recess afterwards. And during this final recess of middle school what did we all do?… kickball, kid.

May 7, 2006

An Evaluation Of Somers High School Clubs

With the plethora of random and often worthless high school clubs, its about time we broke down what each club actually does...if its anything at all that is.

Student Council
Pros- bullshit constitutions, opportunities for free stuff, and they pay for Jack D.
Cons-Taken too seriously...honestly who cares.

Pros- Allows for ridiculous irony
Cons- They are actually against substance abuse

Language Clubs
Pros- Trips, namely Arthur Avenue
Cons- Require people to at least feign interest in something other that the trips.

Animal Awareness/Adoption Club

Pros- Get Wrecked Kid Cheo!!!!!
Cons- Not an actual club...maybe in college

Gay and Lesbian Alliance
Pros- Posts the word "lesbian" all over school
Cons- Can't get us a friggin assembly

Marching Band
Pros- They play "Come Sail Away" and "Pinball Wizard."
Cons- They play "Come Sail Away" and "Pinball Wizard," very badly.

National Honor Society
Pros- Outstanding carnations (To Steve Smith: We find you annoying. From: Everybody)
Cons- Forces people to be within 100 feet of Poops for at least once a week, and also carnation sales are only once a year.

Whatever club it is that put up those global warming signs
Pros- Now there is a clear winner for largest association of douchebags, finally breaking the tie between the College Board and the French.
Cons- The moments I wasted reading those signs have made me a dumber, slower, more pissed off person than ever before.