April 5, 2006

Now That Would Be Awesome

As stated before, we have entered the fourth quarter, our final quarter, here at the great Somers High School. Our grade has produced some of the most perve characters that have ever gone through this school. Legends have been born, achievements have been made, retards have been mocked, and although this is all good and fun, I for one, am not impressed. The following are some things I would like to see go down before our high school careers come to a close.

Noah Sandberg

His penis is legendary, and I want to see it. I am sick and tired of all the lunch time trade talk, Noah's penis for Dana's, Victoria's, and Jillian's boobs plus a bagel with extra cream cheese. NO NO NO...For my sake, for your own sake, just take it out. What is there to be ashamed of? Don't think its going to live up to the hype? Hey, worse comes to worse and it isn't as big as promised, but I 100% guarantee you it will still be bigger than Mike J's, so you have no need to worry. What else could go wrong though, seriously? If your father took the time to talk about this with another kid's father in EIGHTH GRADE, it must be a big deal, pun intended. What are you going to surprise us and just take it out and hit someone in the face with it? Imagine that...Third period free, and for once noah's penis isn't the subject of conversation. Dana is still trying to promote her "Snuggle-X" productions company, when all of a sudden you hear a "zip" noise. It goes silent. Everyone looks around and the only thing that you can hear is the sound of Troll's beard growing longer. No one knows what is was, so back to business as usual. Shortly after that a stench fills the air...It smells of bagels. People start to cough and gag the smell is so strong. The room gets hotter, so hot that the females start removing their shirts...But that's all part of the plan. A small rumbling begins and everyone turns to Noah. His seat begins to shake as his pants rip in half and a gigantic boner is exposed, so big even little girl couldn't fit it in her mouth. It swings into the air as people latch onto it attempting to hold it down. Imagine that...Too bad it could never happen...Just take it out already man.

Also, on the subject of Noah, can you please do the following as you say you will everyday...

.....Crack Peter Kolaj. No one likes him, so just do it, we have your back.
.....Get trashed. Really trashed, we will all be there with you just in case something happens.
.....Make a Jewish joke to Ullman's face. You said you would, so do it.

Stunts

Because it is the fourth quarter it is time for senior pranks. As freshmen we experienced some great pranks in our school, and since then we have seen nothing but feeble attempts at pranks. I don't care who or what you do it to, just do it. We do graduate in two months, so who gives a fuck. What is there to be worried about? Linda and her goons suspending you from school? T hreats of your college of choice being called and informed what you did? Lies...Fabrications...Bullshit. Don't worry about it, do the most perve, creative, disgusting, insulting things you can think of, and hell, write about them on here once you're done doing them. I, for one, have a few ideas in my head and I plan on acting them out so long as my partners don't back out.

Retards


Mentally challenged...Special...RETARDS. I don't care what you call them or who deems this offensive, that is what they are, deal with it. I want to see two retards, possibly four in a tag team effort, fight each other. Horrible you call me? Twisted? Sick? FUCK YOU...I know entertainment when I see it, and this would be entertaining. People in the lunchroom who turn their heads when the rest of us are watching Block dance, relax will you? He doesn't know we are making fun of him, he thinks we are enjoying it which is making him smile and be happy, so let it go and join in. "You guys are horrible," yeah well fuck you we are 17 and 18 year old boys what do you expect. Anyway, I want to see some of these tards throw down. They have tempers and yell often at each other or their teachers, so why don't they ever hit each other? Some of them are assholes anyway, thinking they can do whatever they want and get away with it. Honestly now, sure they have a difficult time controlling themselves, but if they, and their teachers and parents, want them to be treated as equals they need to learn how to behave like humans. I'm sorry I don't like them going around and sneezing on people, or wiping their spit on someone else's shirt, or just in general walking around and being a dick. If you want to be a dick, do it to Block, and please...Just crack him so I can see one of you get pounded by another.

Little Girl

I'd like to see how many guys she can hookup with in one night and not feel down about herself. Yes she accomplished 3, possibly more last year, but lets get real...True skanks take 3 cocks at once three, four, even five times a day. You need to step your game up, and you need to not only suck dick, but starting getting banged out. Come on Little Girl, we know you want to, don't be so shy.

Parties

More of them, lots more of them. What a shitty winter after a rather decent fall season of parties. Max's house...Westfest, to name a few, were some pretty good, fun parties. I had a great time in the fall...This winter on the other hand, not so much. Cold weather, short days, the Knight...Just a few reasons why this winter sucked. I want more more more parties in the spring. It's nice out, it's warm at night, we don't need a house to party at now, we just need someone's backyard. Hill Hutch, for example, has thrown a few good outdoor parties where I bet almost everyone had a great time. Not only do I want to see more parties, but I think we need more parties. This is the last time our grade will ever be together as one. Two more months and I wont see 95% of the suckers we go to school with. We need to enjoy this time to all hang out together, and more importantly, some of the hotties in our grade need to come to their senses and start making out with me, and what better place to do it than a party? You'll probably be drunk, which is a great excuse to make out with me because then you can tell all your friends who will most likely rip on you that you were drunk and didn't know what you were doing, even though we will be hanging out that night and doing the same thing we did the night before, except this time you will be sober and you will realize that I am way cooler than any of your friends. More importantly, I want to enjoy the last few months (about 4) with my good friends because we will all go our separate ways once college starts. Sure we are going to talk and hang out and visit each other at our respective schools, but things won't be the same, you and I both know that.

Bonsai Potato

I want to see this website get into trouble with the school. I want them to read something offensive, preferably this article, and launch a formal investigation. I then want to walk into our principal's office and listen to her berate me and call me an animal for some of the hurtful things I have written. Then I want to tell her that I really don't care who I have offended and that the internet is a place of free speech, similar to our school, and that if she doesn't like the website she or other students and parents (The gay Birdsall family) that they don't have to come here to read about it.

Viva La Bonsai.

The Corporate Restroom

I pose the question: where can you find a pointy pleather shoed Ricky Martin look- alike taking all too long to move his bowels next to a sloppy sixty year-old accountant sipping his flask through a straw while jerking off to "The Wall Street Journal" next to an asian sensation violently shaking his hamster dick to ensure not a single drop graces his petite purple panties all within earshot of a five foot tall serbian named Hans who is brushing his teeth, flossing, and milking every ounce of phlegm from his fucking esophagus before returning to his cubicle?

If you guessed Asst. Principal Brian E. Hunt's office after hours, guess again. These, my friends, are just some of the usual suspects crowding the corporate restrooms across America.

It is sad but true. You kiss your husbands and wives, fathers and mothers goodbye, wishing them a prosperous, a pleasant day. But nothing, not one thing, can prepare them for the horrors inherent in the place of their piss. Upon entering it's doors both humanity and humility go down the drain. You are first hit with the smell. Needless to say, it is the smell of shit. Yet a second sniff tells you otherwise. This is no ordinary shit. No. This is the shit of soy-latte guzzling, vegetarian vega-scarfing yuppie scum... and it fucking sucks. After a good thirty seconds of holding your breath to fight off the stench, you resort to a method of deep gasps through the mouth. Lightheadedness ensues and it is no longer worth the trouble. You suck it up, let down your defenses, and suck it in. Breathing a sigh of unhealthy relief, you come to terms with your surroundings.

Most of you are probably unaware that I hold the distinct pleasure of frequenting such a gem to the corporate society each and every fucking day. That particular pleasure is derived solely from the sanitary bowl-covers that are always stocked in at least one of the four stalls in the line up. I have been working in the building a little over a month now. Here is just a taste of what I have encountered...

I stand at a urinal and commence my flow. A middle aged gentlemen with the most peculiar stride to his step waltzes in, bypassing both urinals and stalls, and heads straight for the paper towels. In all likelihood, he could be blowing his nose, cleaning a spill in the office, or wiping his lenses... but I know things just aren't that simple around here. Through the corner of my eye I spot this freak snatch a paper towel and proceed to press it into a bowl, demonstrating complete mastery of the art that is pinch-pottery. He approaches me and unzips at a nearby urinal, attempting to conceal his creation... he is less than successful. My imagination runs wild and an unstoppable grin results. Both of us know he is up to something, and there is little neither him nor myself can do.
After close to minute of feigning urination simply to see what the fuck is going on, I zip up and rush to the mirror to wash, keeping close tabs on the man in the reflection. What I see next can only be described as one of the most vulgar cases of restroom misconduct ever to occur in that very building's history; that I am sure of. I shudder thinking about it to this day.
If you haven't guessed already, this man's contraption was used before my eyes to dab his dripping penis. As I gaze on, my jaw drops and I look down in disbelief... my thoughts race. How could an executive, a husband, a brother... a father be so fucking inept as to not have mastered the simple skill of male urinary procession from an early age. The man was in his mid-fifties for Christ's sake!
He walks in his same scheming nonchalant stride to the waste paper basket. He knows what he's done and he knows what I've seen. He figures: he's only a kid. He then proceeds to leave the visibly soaked-through pinch-pot on top of the overflowing basket and cover it with a fresh paper towel, righting his most heinous crime in the minds of all but one— which is why I am describing this today.

If you have yet to encounter the horrors of the corporate restroom feel no rush. Sadly, in five years you, too, will most likely be working a cubicle 9-5 and be hard at work reinventing the perversion of this mecca for degeneracy. Until then, keep clean, children. Know that there is no humanly cause to lift your feet off the floor while making poo-poo, and that if you see this from under a stall door, turn the other way, because there is a lot more than poo-poo going on in that stall. Watch out for the cornhole and above all else, shake as many times as needed; you are not being judged.

April 4, 2006

Put the "pring" in Spring

Class of 2006, in case you haven’t realized by now, we are in the last quarter of our High School career. Institutions of higher learning are sending out their decisions and our grade is proving to be one of the greatest of all time. Somers will be represented all over the country from Stanford (Kratchmyer)…. to prison (Frank the Narc). School is slacking off at a ridiculous rate, so basically most seniors would have AIDS if senioritis was the flu (You know you are beyond senioritis when you spend more time and stress working on a Bonsai article than you do on an English essay). However the best part of fourth quarter is not seeing people you hate get rejected from their number one college, rather it is the inception of the best season of the year, Spring. Spring, or as they say in Britain, "spring", is the most important season of the year as it includes many religious holidays such as Easter, Passover, Ethan Kamer Day, and 4/20. The following passages are just daily observations that signify the start of this wonderful season.

You know it’s the start of spring……

…when baseball season begins. Baseball is strictly a spring sport. By the time summer comes around and the games actually mean something, everyone is tired of it (except Noah, who is probably the only person in the school who can name last year’s participants in the World Series). There is almost nothing better than kicking back and watching a Yankees game on a cool and relaxing night. Unlike Mets fans, Yankees fans have no worries because a playoff berth is as automatic as Mike J starting a sentence with cheoo. Unfortunately, the game of baseball is really a Game of Shadows. Everything from arthritis cream to condoms are loaded with steroids that taint the image and integrity of the game (Barry Bonds, cough cough). In case you were wondering, yes you will test positive for steroids after reading this article.
…when you walk outside and the first thing you do is bask in the smell of freshly cut grass. For some reason grass odors only smell good at this time of year. No one admits to it, but if grass were a cologne or deodorant flavor they would wear it every day.
…when the climate is perfect. Spring has the best weather. An average spring day consists of a high temperature of 75 degrees accompanied by a cool breeze (the cool breeze being either the eighth grader named Breezey or the breeze created by T-Fresh as she walks by you in the hall).
…when you see more skirts in school than jeans. I speak on behalf of all guys, it should be mandatory for girls to wear skirts starting the first day of spring. Spring is a field day for perverts. It is sad and pathetic at how good some people (no names) are at seeing what they want to see. But to defend all males, the females ask for this kind of treatment (look at Little Girl). They know exactly what they’re doin’, every spring of our adult life they sit there oil, lotion, oil……..
…when baseball players have the farmers tan.
…when Mr. Miller stops wearing suspenders
…when Bonsai Potato regains its former glory.

There you have it. Spring is in the air and there is no where to hide. Hate or Love it, the underdog's on top and its gonna shine homie until my heart stop go head' envy me spring is the seasons MVP and it aint goin nowhere so you can get to know it.

Fellas, Questions? Comments? Concerns?

How Will Somers Lingo Fare?

As I am sure everybody is aware, there are quite a number of words/expressions/senseless noises that have become commonplace here in Somers. After all, making up words has been a Somers pastime ever since the days of 'qual' back in middle school. But how will these sayings survive next year when everyone is spread out over the country? Well, one can always guess.

Sketch- Not very unique to Somers, but elsewhere people might still wonder why we dropped the 'y.'

Kid- "Kid," which is really more of a tick, has ingrained itself into people's vocabulary much like the word "like" has found a fortress in Lauren Sysca's manner of speaking.

Nas (Vooch)- Will this ever die? Nas, kid.

"Thats Dick!"- Personally, I would be very dissapointed were this phrase to ever die out because honestly, there are few things quite as funny as hearing a flurry of "thats dick!" after anything is written on the lunch table. Just by the way, can we get a copy of the list of girls Nov has fingerbanged posted on this site. A table is much too temporary.

Waeo!- Mainly just trackie noise, it is very versatile but only stands a chance among a crowd of people who already use it.

Straight- This could be smothered by piece-of-crap, ultra-sensitive douchebags who claim it could be offensive to refer to good stuff with the same word which is commonly used to describe heterosexual people. My message to them: Fuck off.

Mike J's oooooooh noise- In 2026 during our twentieth high school reunion, when I ask Mike J. if he still gets trashed, there is only one noise I want to hear.

Beasts/Queers- These may also be purely trackie terms, for whether someone is good or not and while beast could live on without a problem the aforementioned douchebags(plus the rest of society) would probably object to kids who flat out suck at something being called queers. Oh well,its had a good run.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!- Unlikely to fade as it is possibly the most fun thing to say while wrecked. This is undoubtedly the reason why Miller uses it so often.

Cheo!- It's hard to tell whether this noise will last or not. While it could be easily embraced by a partying crowd, others may respond with comments like "Is he saying chill?" "No, I think he's telling us to chew."

April 1, 2006

More Like "OurSpace"

Everyone knows that myspace is the cool new thing to do. To talk to friends, look for famous people and look for people you used to know. Since the day I found out about myspace I began searching through this rediculous site looking for those people that we have all asked "Whatever happened to that kid". I think I was so interested in finding these people because I have questions that I want answered like, "Does Marvia Oates still dominate kickball?", "Did Paul Cody's mom ever come back?" and "Is will Devito stilla Tuppa?" I have always been interested in seeing what people that used to go to our school now look like. It took me some time but I think its worth it. Here is my list of some of the rediculous characters that once walked the halls of Primrose, SIS and SMS that we may have forgotten over the years.

- Paul Cody - Paul Cody was one of those guys back in SIS and Middle School that you always felt like he was going to grow up and be an absolute wacko for the rest of his life. I mainly remember Paul for when in Middle school he would always be the one to grab the ball bag before we went out to recess. Because he was the one to grab the bag first, he felt as if he was the one that would dole out the balls, he was such a tool. By looking at his myspace two tings that stand out are the fact that he lives nearby in Pawling and he is bisexual. One thing that doesn't surprise me, he has very few friends. All that I can say is that if he was in our school now, he would get into many fights, and probably get his ass handed to him.

- Dan O'Connel - Danny O'C, as he is now called. Not much to say bout him because many people still see and know him. He is a baller and a traitor because he plays for JFK. Danny was famous back in the day for giving people "flat tires" in the halls and for "taking people to school", the move where you tap a person on the shoulder and act like it wasn't you that did it. Unfortunately if you are not his friend you can't see his profile.

- Dawn Rigonia - Many people don't remeber much about her because she left and went to mahopac in like 4th grade. The only thing I remeber was that she smelt of smoke and her mom worked at the A&P. I guess she belongs in Mahopac.

- Rebecca Smith - Rebecca, the sisiter of Will Smith (Floor Hockey World Champ) was a girl none of us will ever forget. She seemed like a very nice girl, but she was often a nasty person. These days she apparently goes to Fox Lane High School and is good friends with the girlfriend of Will Smith.(I suggest you check out the pics) She know looks more normal than she used to but she still seems like the same person.

- Kristen Martin - Kristen was a girl that almost nobody really remembers because she was only here for a few years in the Middle School. She was a very quiet red headed girl that I don't really have any strong memories about. When you see her pics you will probably remember who she is. She now lives in Canada and is till friends with some girls in our grade.

- Nina Percopo - From day 1 I think that everyone knew that there was something up with this girl. After going to Somers for many years she finally dropped out and went to a private school in another state, even though she lives in Somers. Her myspace pretty much explains what the situation is with her. Wow.

- Will Devito - He was a Tuppa then..... and he is a Tuppa now. Will was a guy who always tried to play spots but never had an ounce of athleticism in his body. I think he still lives in somers but goes to the Iona Prep school for kids who want to be guidos. His myspace is basically a message to everyone from him saying that he is a pimp and he could beat everyone up. Come on Will....lets get serious.

- Marvia Oates - Clearly the most unforgettable person in the history of people that used to go to Somers. Oates was a better kickballer, shot put thrower, soccer player and competitive eater than any of the guys in our school, and we all knew it. Being in her class for a few years 2 moments stick out when I think about Mavia Oates. One was during field day in SIS, when she won the girls shotput competion by alot, but we came to realize that she had also beaten all of the boys numbers too! The other memory also had to do with Field Day(which was the shit by the way). Marvia for 3 years in a row was the anchor for her classes tug of war team. The loop at the end of the rope, that the teams biggest and strongest person would go into and serve as an anchor, was always manned by a boy. This was the first and only time I had seen a girl holding down the anchor for her team. Oh and by the way.... She is Bisexual.

- Lindsay Bello - She now attends JFK with Danny O'C.......and Mike Wynne for those that know him(He Hits Bombs!) She looks pretty much the same except she is about 30 shades darker. If you are not her friend on myspace then you cant see her profile.

- Suzanne Masser - Her profile does not have any pictures and looks like it is barely used but I am pretty sure it is hers because I remember her moving to Japan. If you don't remeber her you should probably check the yearbooks. She was very smart and kind of a tuppa. The one memory I had of her was that she moved to Japan days before I think the beginning of 6th grade? and the school didn't even know she was gone because she was on every attendance sheet and people mentioned her name all year, lets just say she had a lot of absenses.

- Brittany Cohn - Brittany Cohn was a girl that everyone probably remembers because she was here for a number of years. She now lives in New Jersey and is still friends with people in our grade. Judging by her pictures she is crazy. Thats about all that I remember.

- Rafael Kobyashi - This was a kid that was clearly unusual and very unique to Somers. Although he was only here for a few years in Middle School, he left his mark. 2 things I remember most about Kobyashi were that he always ate sea weed for lunch and that the first few weeks he was in school he wanted to be called "Joe"......Kind of odd. Judging by his myspace he looks pretty much the same, and for some reason he is still friends with Will Smith.

- Adam Wamsley - I think his profile is deleted but when I saw it said he lives in North Carolina and he has a hot girlfriend. All that I can remember about Wamsley was that he was not afraid to say what was on his mind and that I did not want to fuck with him because I feared he would pull a knife on me or something.


This is my list, and for right now this is the best I could do. If you were wondering where certain people were, the chances are that I tried to find them but had no luck. I still can't find Kirsten Quinn, DAMN! If you have any suggestions of people I could look for you can post them as a comment on this article. Thank you for your time.