March 8, 2006

The Male Prom Philosophy: Bang 'Em Out, Bang 'Em Out

Now seeing that this site hasn't had much action as of late, I thought I'd take a ride on the bonsai-train and shock a couple of you out there by coming out on this site with a bang (sexual inuendo intended). Now firstoff, I'd like to address several rumors that have been circulating:

- I do not in any way find it very pleasing to finger bang....it just happens, what can i say
- I do not practice finger-banging on any sort of stuffed animal, doll, or creepy sexual contraption that i ordered off of e-bay with my grandmas credit card
- I did not research proper techniques on "How to Please a Woman Using Only Your Hands" prior to the first time my hands were put to work
- Nor did I learn any techniques such as "Two in the Bush One in the Tush" or the little known "Bear Claw" from Chaz Rheinhold, the King of Wedding-Crashing

And last, but not least..
- I am directly related to the cavemen in Ice Age's 1 and 2; in fact, I've been invited to a casting call this Saturday in New York City along with John Mongelli *(Ray Romano decided to opt out of this one) for Ice Age 3: Revenge of the Paleolitchic Neanderthal


Now...continuing on....many seniors may have noticed that lately girls have been absolutely prom CRAZY. No longer are free periods a time to relax, hang out, and talk about recent sexual escapades, but instead free periods now consist of watching a select group of overly-prom-anal girls circulate throughout the well-tiled room with calculators, bus and room lists, as well as date questionaires. Figuring it's only March, many of you fellow men out there may be saying to yourself "Honestly what the fuck are they thinking? It's three months till this shit." But, as this madness continues, more and more of us are becoming sucked into the never-ending pit of what is called 'Prom Planning'.

Who honestly cares who you ride in a bus with? The drive is 20 minutes maximum to pastoric Candlewood Lake, CT and within that 20 minutes I doubt it will be impossible for one to just shut up and enjoy the ride. But, no, leaving the girls in charge of such things has created chaos. What originally went, for many of us guys, from a limo of ten to twelve of your best friends and their dates is now a party bus filled with neon lights, disco ball, slide down t.v, FREE! Pepsi-Cola beverages, Venga Boys CD, and Mike Valerio (WOW). And WHY?????? Because they want to include EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS. "Well lets see, I want to be in the same bus with Jackie... and Pablo, and OMG I can't forget Petey! He's my favorite!"

C'mon ladies..since when did a 20 minute ride require that you invite every single girl/man/Shenorock-drug-dealer that you are remotely associated with? I mean, hey, why don't we let Pam on our limo, maybe Bianca, perhaps Frank Da Narc? Or how about Chachi from Happy Days? Honestly...the madness has got to stop.

What happened to prom being a simple, fun experience? I'll tell you what happened....too much estrogen.

Date picking alone is a complicated process, why make the twenty minute ride an issue when there's much more to be thinking about? Like..
- Who's going to put out?
- How we will take care of an absolutely trashed Dan Papalia?
- Ribbed or non-ribbed? And what brand?
- Bring a Speedo or regular bathing suit to Seaside?
- And will Nov 'piss on mad whips'?

Overall the prom experience is a very delicate situation.....and one that should be handled with much more care. So please hear me out, and don't stand by and let an over-generous "I want to include everybody"-maniac female take what was once your idea of the "straightest 10 person All-Star cast limo" and change it into a 40 person party bus blasting "Boom, Boom, Boom, I Want You In My Room", filled with yourself, Frank Da Narc, the school's star cross-country runner, the marching band conductor, Noah "the horse" Sandberg, Max "trip nip" Tabachnick, and your favorite lunch attendant; Troll...'cause CMON people....it's ridiculous...

...you know that you can't have TWO jewish kids on the same bus!

2 comments:

thespicyspaniard said...

well written, novosel. straight guy limo should happen... that means no boniello

Aaaalrightythen said...

kind of reminds me of a Rick Rielly SI article, except much more novoselish. If you want a prom date who puts out, you could always take Phil's stalker.