March 23, 2006

Just an Announcement

I would like to point out that this upcoming Wednesday, March 29, 2006 is officially Suit Kid tribute day so just go ahead and dress up in a suit.

March 8, 2006

The Male Prom Philosophy: Bang 'Em Out, Bang 'Em Out

Now seeing that this site hasn't had much action as of late, I thought I'd take a ride on the bonsai-train and shock a couple of you out there by coming out on this site with a bang (sexual inuendo intended). Now firstoff, I'd like to address several rumors that have been circulating:

- I do not in any way find it very pleasing to finger just happens, what can i say
- I do not practice finger-banging on any sort of stuffed animal, doll, or creepy sexual contraption that i ordered off of e-bay with my grandmas credit card
- I did not research proper techniques on "How to Please a Woman Using Only Your Hands" prior to the first time my hands were put to work
- Nor did I learn any techniques such as "Two in the Bush One in the Tush" or the little known "Bear Claw" from Chaz Rheinhold, the King of Wedding-Crashing

And last, but not least..
- I am directly related to the cavemen in Ice Age's 1 and 2; in fact, I've been invited to a casting call this Saturday in New York City along with John Mongelli *(Ray Romano decided to opt out of this one) for Ice Age 3: Revenge of the Paleolitchic Neanderthal

Now...continuing on....many seniors may have noticed that lately girls have been absolutely prom CRAZY. No longer are free periods a time to relax, hang out, and talk about recent sexual escapades, but instead free periods now consist of watching a select group of overly-prom-anal girls circulate throughout the well-tiled room with calculators, bus and room lists, as well as date questionaires. Figuring it's only March, many of you fellow men out there may be saying to yourself "Honestly what the fuck are they thinking? It's three months till this shit." But, as this madness continues, more and more of us are becoming sucked into the never-ending pit of what is called 'Prom Planning'.

Who honestly cares who you ride in a bus with? The drive is 20 minutes maximum to pastoric Candlewood Lake, CT and within that 20 minutes I doubt it will be impossible for one to just shut up and enjoy the ride. But, no, leaving the girls in charge of such things has created chaos. What originally went, for many of us guys, from a limo of ten to twelve of your best friends and their dates is now a party bus filled with neon lights, disco ball, slide down t.v, FREE! Pepsi-Cola beverages, Venga Boys CD, and Mike Valerio (WOW). And WHY?????? Because they want to include EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS. "Well lets see, I want to be in the same bus with Jackie... and Pablo, and OMG I can't forget Petey! He's my favorite!"

C'mon ladies..since when did a 20 minute ride require that you invite every single girl/man/Shenorock-drug-dealer that you are remotely associated with? I mean, hey, why don't we let Pam on our limo, maybe Bianca, perhaps Frank Da Narc? Or how about Chachi from Happy Days? Honestly...the madness has got to stop.

What happened to prom being a simple, fun experience? I'll tell you what happened....too much estrogen.

Date picking alone is a complicated process, why make the twenty minute ride an issue when there's much more to be thinking about? Like..
- Who's going to put out?
- How we will take care of an absolutely trashed Dan Papalia?
- Ribbed or non-ribbed? And what brand?
- Bring a Speedo or regular bathing suit to Seaside?
- And will Nov 'piss on mad whips'?

Overall the prom experience is a very delicate situation.....and one that should be handled with much more care. So please hear me out, and don't stand by and let an over-generous "I want to include everybody"-maniac female take what was once your idea of the "straightest 10 person All-Star cast limo" and change it into a 40 person party bus blasting "Boom, Boom, Boom, I Want You In My Room", filled with yourself, Frank Da Narc, the school's star cross-country runner, the marching band conductor, Noah "the horse" Sandberg, Max "trip nip" Tabachnick, and your favorite lunch attendant; Troll...'cause CMON's ridiculous... know that you can't have TWO jewish kids on the same bus!

March 6, 2006

Best Moments from our Senior Year Parties, Part One

It's been a year of partying for the senior class in Somers. As we get ready to depart from the town of Somers to our respective colleges, I leave you with the top party moments from our senior year:

- Dan Papalia, Homecoming Night- Mr. Papalia proceeds to consume way too many alcoholic liquids throughout the day, and especially during the tailgate. He tries several times to get with a particular eighth grade girl at the game. Later in the night, at Mike Crispinelli's party, he is caught what many would call groping the breasts of the Big Bastards girlfriend and is just out of control the entire night.

- Food fight- Any opportunity to do something dick to Steve Smith is going to be taken complete advantage of. During a party at his house, people are caught pouring beer into plants around the house, an i pod is stolen, and to cap off the night, many types of food, the most memorable being raw steaks, are thrown around the kitchen. (Note: It should be remembered Steve also spent 300 dollars of his own money on beer, tried to charge everyone five dollars to get it back, and did not see a dime that evening).

- Overflowing- Although many of you may not remember this next moment, it sticks out in my mind like few others. At Max T's party, Rob Antonetz is making small talk with someone near the refrigerator/freezer. Without warning or to anyones knowledge, he holds down the water lever coming out of the freezer and lets water run down the freezer and all over the floor for a solid two minutes. This is finally discovered by Max the next morning.

- Forest Sleep- After that same party, which is broken up around midnight, everyone scrambles to get to there cars and quickly leave the party. Ryan Dietrichs, after having a very solid amount of Keystone Light and verdi, is driven home and dropped off at the end of his street to ensure no noise was made in his entering of the house. He awakaens the next morning lying in the woods outside of his home.

- Log Crack- The site is just outside the living room of Rob A's house during a bash he has thrown on a Saturday night. Jimmy Adamo shows up with snuff, and everyone is very hesitant to give it a try. Sean Pally is eager to attempt. After a try, he is so enraged with himself and in so much pain that he proceeds to crack himself over the head with a wooden log.

- Skoal hits the spot- Further evidence as to why Eric Weiner deserves little respect is found at Sarah Dunhams party. A few people are chillin outside to get away from the party for a second when some proceed to "dip" as it is commonly known. Weiner seems anxious, however, ends up taking the smallest pinch I have ever seen and then throws up from it in the front yard for several minutes. (It should also be noted he was not drinking at all and also stated he does not smoke. (Come on, you go to the University of Colorado and your not an athlete)).

- Down the drain- What many, including myself, deem to be one of the most painful moments of their lives. Soon after arriving at Stu Levine's party, a group of people gather around Rob A's trunk to view the massive collection of beer that has been obtained. While this is happening, two state pigs roll up behind us and the scramble begins as people foolishly attempt to run away into the woods. They are easily caught by the fuzz and are brought back to the driveway. They find the beer in the back of the trunk. Instead of being smart officers and taking it for themselves, they order everyone to pour what was probably around $100 dollars worth of beer, literally down the drain.

- Watch out for that tree!- It is well documented that Nick DeBellis does not show up to many parties. So when he does make an appearance, everyone is very excited. Except on this faithful night, at a party in the woods at a remote Yorktown location, his luck turns sour. The only kegger to date is broken up by police as Somers students frantically try to run through the woods to get away. Nick is no different as he tries to use his 4.8 forty speed to get away. Only in football, very few opposing players are as strong as trees. Nick literally runs into a tree in his getaway attempt and consequently is caught by a pig. Needless to say, he was not seen for many weekends following this incident.

- Westfest 2005- Just the spectacle alone is enough to get this party on the list. Although no particular moments stick out from this party, it was the perfect environment at a near perfect party. Best of all, it was hosted by ALLEN WEST!! It was an event that few missed and no one will forget.

- Wine was Made to be Funneled- As we all know, few parties intended to be at Michelle Romeo's house have actually occurred. However, during one of the few that actually did go down, a memorable moment was born. Being the assholes we are, we end up stealing three bottles of good wine from the wine cellar in her basement. When opened, nobody enjoys the taste. But no one wants it to go to waste. Thinking quickly, Richie hernandez grabs the funnel that is not being used and fills it with the wine. He then proceeds to find random sophmore and junior girls who are willing to do anything to funnel the wine. Surprisingly, he actually proceeds to find multiple girls who do it. Having attempted it myself, I can say it was one of the grosest
things I've ever done.

- 1 for 5- Although this is an estimate, I would say that Michelle Romeo is about one for five in following through with parties she says she is going to have. And one night it became too much. After about a group of twelve people are told by a very angry Romeo that there is no party and we need to leave her house, everyone gets very upset. I was especially angry because I had had a long week and was looking foward to a good party. So as we drove by, i went on to expose my bear ass out of the window as she is looking outside. Then, we turn around and pass it again when I hurl a snowball towards the house. Later, in an unrelated incident, she throws multiple quarters at Albert Dematteo's car, cracking the windshield. This particular event earns her the unofficial title as "Worst Party Host in Somers." (However, the story does end on a good note. At a later date, three anonymous troublemakers (and I can promise you I was not one of them) egg the house. These three masked men will be revealed at the very end of the year.)

- Fight Night: Part I- A very relaxing atmosphere at Amanda Richard's house made this party especially enjoyable. During a competitive game of beer pong, I was playing alongside my partner, Chris Gonzo. At the same time, Brian Lanzetta makes an appearance into the party and is quickly told he must leave. After he throws around a few unfriendly words, both Chris and Nick get in his face and start arguing, to the point where they are needed to be held back. About ten minutes later, someone comes up to inform Chris of something going on outside, and the next thing I know, both of them are sprinting outside and down the street looking to fight Brian. This would be one of many of these types of situations.

- Happy New Years: 2006- Jill A's house was the site of our senior year New Years Party. This party had a little bit of everything, from everyone gathered in the living room with bottles up at midnight, to me pouring beer into Dan P's mouth from the second floor and taking a piss in the shower, to a Nick Cucch appearance, and finally, quite posibly the funniest Gonzo impression of the year taking place. Just straight up a night to remember.

- Costume party???- Although few were there to experience this unforgettable sight, it was one that should not go unnoticed. A few people from Somers are informed of a party in North Salem. Having nothing else to do, we proceed to go to the party, fully expecting to get in. As we approach the house, the door is opened and out appears the biggest tool I have ever seen in my life wearing the most flaming disco outfit ever made. He informs us that it is a costume party and we are not permitted to enter because we dont have costumes. But what makes this moment even greater? Remember those three hooligans responsible for egging romeo's house? Well, they made another stop that same night in North Salem, and, needless to say, the owner of the house was not very pleased.

- JFK bash- In what I think was an attempt to prove that Somers is truly a boring town, a group of us treked all the way into Brewster for a party. We, are expecting these kids to be from Brewster High, but it turns out they go to JFK. (This next part will only be humorous to those who have played travel baseball in the past. If you have not, I suggest just skipping it and reading on.) As we are sitting on a couch near the door, Mike Wynne (Wynne hits bombs!) stumbles out of the bathroom, walks straight out of the front door and continues to stumble aimlessley around the front yard until he collapses and needs to be helped back into the house.

- Steve Matson's House, Episode One: The Finest Meats and Cheeses in all of the land- During a party at Steve Matson's, for some reason, I felt especially concerned for the safety of my fellow partyers. So, for no apparent reason, I went into the kitchen collecting small pieces of sliced ham and cheese and proceeded to place them on top of every opened beer can in the house to ensure no one would mistakenly drink them. It seemed like a very good idea at the time.

- Steve Matson's House, Episode Two: He's a Tank- Ethan Kamer went on to gain my full and utmost respect at this party. When I showed up, about an hour after him, he was already quite buzzed and could even be considered drunk. That was at 9 P.M. At 12 P.M. he is continuing to drink to the point where he passes out. Ok, fine. Except, then he blows my mindby waking up again at 2 AM, still drunk. However, he then defies logic by drinking strong for another 2 and a half hours until he finally goes to sleep for the last time at around 4:30 A.M. Props to Ethan.

- Steve Matson's House, Episode Three: The Wipe- Although I do not like to go into this and I regret what I did, I will tell the story. While drinking, someone bumped into me, causing me to spill a decent amount of beer on my arm. With nothing in sight to wipe it off with, I find Kari, passed out underneath the table, and decide to wipe it off on her shirt.

-Steve Matson's House, Episode Four: You've Been Shocked- Quite posibly the funniest part of the night, there are no regrets here. Me and Ethan, the only two people still drinking at 4 in the morning, are looking for something stupid to do. We find a salt shaker that when turned on, not only sprays salt, but also has a light that flcikers and makes a fairly loud vibrating sound. At 4 in the morning, after everyone is fast asleep and in no mood to be woken up, we proceed to find every sleeping person in the house, go right up to their face, and "shock" them with the salt shaker.

Fight Night: Part II- What do you get when you mix alcohol, kids from Yorktown, and the Gonzo's? A potential fight that of course doesn't actually happen but is talked about by them for the next three weeks. After these Yorktown kids get into an arguement with Sean Nickerson and are ready to fight, who is caught running relentlessly outside to join in the fighting? Yea, the zo's. A very amusing part that needs to be added, the Yorktown kids came back that night to fight, only to be clubbed down by Madison Engram with a bat.

On behalf of the senior class and all of the other partyers, I would like to send a special thanks to all who were gracious in lending their house to be absolutely destroyed at some of these parties. A special thanks also to Ryan D, for without his infamous beer runs, we may have actually had to pay for beer once in a while, to Jimmy Adamo, who supplied when a run could not be made, to The Ratch, for always making a grand entrance, to the out of control partyers who provided us all with entertainment while we were completely wrecked, to Madison for clubbing those Y-town kids, and to anyone else deserving of recognition who was not named.

And to leave you all with some wise partying advice, as a man once said, "Never be the first to arrive at a party or the last to go home, and never, ever be both."

March 2, 2006

Situations to Ponder: Part III

This site has already given us many questions to think about in our spare time. In an effort to bring Bonsai back to life, I leave you with some more questions to ponder……...

- If there was a pill, that taken once, gave you immortality, and the only side effect was continuous diarrhea for a year, would you take the pill?

- People say life is short. Well what exactly do people do that is longer?

- If a guy raped a prostitute, should he be charged for shoplifting?

- Why do croutons come in an air tight package? Aren't they just stale bread?

- Whose cruel idea was it to have an "s" in the word “lisp”?

- Why does it say on childrens tylenol not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles?

- If you were in God’s presence, and He sneezed, what would you say?

- How did we ever get milk? What makes a person decide, "Hey I think I am gonna go over to
that cow and pull on those things hanging down and drink whatever comes out."

- If a turtle is born without a shell is he naked or homeless?

- If a mime swears, do its parents make it wash its hands out with soap?

- A man once said that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

- How do people grow seedless grapes if there's no seeds to grow them?

- If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?

- If you got scared half to death twice, would you be dead?

- Is there an interstate highway on Hawaii?

- Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

- If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?

- What is the synonym for the word “synonym”?

- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

- How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?

- Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turnthe radio down?

- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

- Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

- Before the light bulb was invented, what appeared over peoples heads when they had an idea?

- What would you do if you saw an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

On a more personal note:

- If Alex Bean raced Shane (little sophomore that always runs to class) in the hallways of SHS, who would win?

- If Dipaolo already wet-whees, what does it sound like when he has a cold?

- How much money has Ryan D actually lost for Hudson Valley Beverage Distributor?

- If Lou G is the big bastard, and his father is the big BIG bastard, what is his great great great grandfather?

- Ethan Kamer once passed out from drinking so much, then proceeded to wake up at 2 AM and drink for another two and half hours. How much of his life was actually shortened that night?

- If Dan Smilowitz was required to take a drug test for a job, would the doctor even bother wasting his time and a cup?

- What is Dan Paps BAC at this very moment?
- Who has more credibility, Mr. Miller or Steve Smith?
- The Ratch and his crew always show up to parties well after everyone else and they are never wrecked. What exactly are they doing from 7-10 P.M.?

- Does anyone realize that the biggest and arguably the best party of our senior year was hosted by one Allen West? I just thought I’d throw that out at you.

And, lastly, What if the world had no hypothetical situations? This will give you plenty of material to think about the next time you are bored. But, on one final note…..What will come first, the answer to all of these questions or the next blog posted on Bonsai Potato?????