January 26, 2006

A Randomly Assembled History of "The Shocker"

Many of you may recognize the fabled "shocker", but for those who are not quite sure how to make it here's a quick lesson. First, take either your left or right hand and hold it out in front with your palm facing you. Then, lower your ring finger so that it touches your thumb which should be lying flat against your palm. Rotate 45 degrees. Congratulations, you are now in a 6.whatever billion way tie for sickest human being alive.

For those who may not know what the "shocker" means, it is a gesture which indicates the sexual act in which the first and second fingers "break the ice" by entering into a particular vagina. While those two soldiers are in slimy enemy territory the straggling pinky mightily springs into the anus. This is said to produce a "shock."

So here for you now is a brief and fake history of the "shocker."

2 million b.c.- The first instance of a recorded shock. Being a mere ape-woman, it is said she actually enjoyed the fact that something had just wiped the dingleberries off her Paleolithic ass. All of this was masterfully depicted on the walls of a cave.

1509-1547 a.d.- Henry VIII, shocks and then subsequently either divorces or be-heads every able-bodied woman in Great Britain. Also shocked were a handful of paraplegic women and teenage boys who took pride in "doing as good neighbors do."

1870-1871 a.d.- Prussia decides to, metaphorically, stick a whole fist in France's ever-widening asshole. It's asshole would reach maximum diameter when another German thrust his Teutonic fury into it. Also, while this technically does not follow the "two in the coot and one in the boot" format, it is still noteworthy.

1936 a.d.- Franklin Delano Roosevelt physically "goes to town with one in the brown" on Alfred Mossman Landon who managed to lose that year's presidential election 523 to 8.

March 2, 1962 a.d.- After pouring 100 points on the Knicks in Hershey, PA, Wilt Chamberlain adds 4 more women to a list that would eventually, according to his biography, reach 20,000. This gives Chamberlain the record for most asses and vaginas widened in a career. He also holds the single season and single records in the respective department. It is for those reasons that he is still considered the best shocker of all time.

1967 a.d.- Inspired after watching a low budget porn flick, Stan Lee develops a new comic book villain for Spider-Man to web up and crap on. Sadly, The Shocker rarely puts any finger into any crevice.

February 20, 1980 a.d.- The U.S. hockey team literally shocks the world by beating the heavily favored Soviets 4-3. Afterwards, in celebration, the members of the team celebrated by slipping "two where she menstruates, one where she defecates" to various Soviet chicks.

Sometime during Jim Abbot's career- Cousiz gets "two in her taco, one in her guaco."

January 14, 2001 a.d.- The New York football Giants slip "two in the bush and one in the tush" as they defeat the Minnesota Vikings 41-0.

2003 a.d.- Mike J puts "dos en la hamaca, con uno en la caca" as he tags Bear Bryant's map with the word junction.

June 2003 a.d.- A group of Somers High School Seniors "check the administration's fever, with two in the beaver" as they air soft-core porn on the school T.V.'s.

November 2004 a.d.- The Somers Cross Country team injects "two where it's foul, one in the bowel" by winning the first state championship in Somers history.

2005 a.d.- Ryan D. inserts "two in the winker and one in the sphincter" by stealing all the Irvington/Briarcliff hockey jackets from their locker room.

March-April 2005 a.d.- Mark Kingsbury, possibly the most unlikely shocker, scores with an Irish and literally placing "two where they're born, one where there's corn."

October 26, 2005 a.d.- A group of Somers High School Seniors slam "two inside a woman's vagina, one inside a woman's rectum" (in medical terms) as they scatter flyers foretelling a Somers victory all over Lakeland High School.

2002-2006 a.d.- Mike Novosel "finger-bangs many a chute, but always remembers to stick one in the glute."

January 15, 2006 a.d.- Somers Winter Track captures its third consecutive Westchester County Championship as the team unites to put "two in the condom muncher, one in the donkey puncher."

February 3-4, 2006 a.d.- John Veg sticks "two where the meat goes, one where the heat blows" at MSG by stealing a 2 beer maximum sign.

So there you have it. An annotated history of America's true favorite pastime...sexual euphemisms.

January 16, 2006

Miller's Dealing

Below is a collection of Miller quotes that merely allude to the possibility that he deals. Miller claims he would sue anyone for $10 million if there is anything blasphemous about him on the World Wide Web, but these are simply direct yet sketchy quotes.

  1. "I don't need to go to school to make money...actually I'd make more money if I didn't go to school" (First day of Public Affairs)
  2. "My favorite student is Stephanie Madonia.......I had her cell phone number" (Still the first day)
  3. "I let Madonia come in here late, as long as she brings me coffee." Miller's coffee always smells nothing like coffee. (first day)
  4. He got a very sketchy phone call in the middle of class, which he first refused to pick it up. When he eventually did pick up the phone, he just said "I'll drop it off later" (and still the first day)
  5. "I have guns"
  6. "I have a direct connection with the president of Afghanistan." The Islamic State of Afghanistan produces 70% of the world's opium, and is one of the biggest morphine bases and cannabis manufacturer/trafficker.
  7. He claims he got shot in Vietnam twice, but described three gun shot wounds at a later date. Furthermore, he said he got stabbed in Vietnam...but who gets stabbed in Vietnam??
  8. He's very proud of the "network" he holds and says that's "how I operate and get by"
  9. Once, he went to the cafeteria to find out who does drugs and thought it was "really cool"
  10. "Tobacco is the hardest drug to give up--not heroine, cocaine, crack, marijuana--nothing is as hard as that"
  11. "My great American hero...John Gotti Jr."
  12. "It gives me all the drugs I want."
  13. "If you want to make money...sell drugs."
  14. "Drugs........I LOVE IT"
  15. "Drugs....they're great"
  16. "In Rhode Island, I saw the most beautiful paraphernalia ever.....oh it was beautiful."
  17. "If you're poor, all you could do is get stoned."
  18. "If you need a fake ID, talk to a prostitute."
  19. "You guys are felons.......five years"