November 16, 2006

Tomato, Tomahto (I realize it is spelled the same way)

With the upcoming Thanksgiving break, I felt the need to post something if fo no other reason than just to see if anyone still reads this.

By now, I’m sure everybody has fully realized the stark and persistent differences between High School and college. I mean, while one had its many chill nights at the 7-11 parking lot, the other has its perpetual drunkenness. Both were/are the shit, but clearly college is the only place where…

…you can feel like the man after having eaten leftover pizza crusts and Mountain Dew for breakfast on consecutive days.

…you actually give a shit as to whether you own t-shirts whose colors run in the washer.

…the possibility of having to wait for a shower to open up at 3 a.m. is all too conceivable.

…fire drills are no longer a Godsend.

…an estimated “50,000 to 70,000 people” can drunkenly stumble up and down a single Fuzz-infested street and communally agree to call it a party.

…Ramen can be referred to as superior cuisine.

…this can happen:

Once again, however, last year was fucking awesome. Seriously, High School is the only place where…

…the Ratch can break through the door to the sound of “Bring ‘em out, Bring ‘em out” …er “Bang ‘em out, Bang ‘em out.”

…little girl can be both a stupid, cum-hungry bitch who loves to dole out the dome, and an idol of promiscuity. Maybe the two are just the same.

…300 free beers are not enough.

…Ghostriding can go down in the school parking lot, during school hours.

Walker can continually, and effectively, torture Noah despite his massive wang.

…people can monitor and record the many exploits of one “Nov the fabfingerbanger.”

…Hutch throwdowns occur.

…watching Block dance is almost completely acceptable and maybe even expected.

…freefalling can be blasted and improvised over at any time or any occasion.

… Big Girl can literaly want some of Nick D.'s sausage. Not to metion the Ratch's , Sanzilo's, Winter's and Veg's, in that order.

… The 'Wich can be an endless source of entertainment.

…This can happen:

p.s. there needs to be a huge gathering of peeps over the break so we can all gwkc.

October 23, 2006

A Final Farewell to SHS "Research" Projects

since I failed to post anything on the bonsai throughout high school, despite being the third member of this respectable organization (I didn't want to disrupt the sanctity of the testosterone levels at this blog), I'm throwing this one up there...

October 10, 2006

Just Who Posseses History's Greatest 'Stache?

People's Dads and Other Loose Ends

For me the most underrated blogger was the 04-05 Mrs.-White-referencing sri sri rum n' curry. This blogger is indifferent about the 05-06 get-rich-or-die-trying sri sri rum n' curry.

Deepest, most thoroughly well thought out blog- "If I had Meeion Dollars"

I don't wanna continue ripping on people's parent/guardians, but I'd say Russ Dog is a much less qualified parent than either Kevin Federline or that lady who drowned her children so Satan wouldn't get them. Seriously, Russ Dog would be totally unfazed if Satan took Gordie.

While on the topic of people's parents... "juan, this is phil's dad writing to you. it's sat.,7/22/06 8:21 pm eastern time as i write this. my wife and i were just made aware of the joke you pulled on phil with that disgusting profile that you wrote. we are very,very upset. everybody likes to kid around but you went too far with this.please do whatever you have to do to get all of this stuff deleted IMMEDIATELY. we will be checking from time to time to see that it has been deleted. better yet,call us at home to tell us that the mission has been accomplished. we always liked you and your family and we are giving you the benefit of the doubt that you had a serious lack of judgement and that you're not a serial asshole.don't let us down! peace,kid."

During spirit week at Ossining High School, the boys track team dressed up as Bean on hero day. As a side note their team blows and not until next year will they actually have a track.

At a winter meet this past year, there was a black kid, who went to Lincoln I believe, on the same floor as us who was legitimately straight out of Africa. Seriously, this kid had the accent, the lung capacity, the AIDS, and the same wide eyed look of elation whenever food was referred to in plentiful quantities, that the average African has. Anyway, since this was a track meet, and since New Ro had both there girls and boys team present, there were a lot of black peeps present and inevitably a dance party broke out. These being Kate Cannon's pre-manly-haircut days, the aforementioned black peep was quite aroused by Somers' Most Improved Hottie and proceeded to grind up on that shit. This probably didn't need to be so long.

October 5, 2006

What went down.

that plus Ryan rockin out with his cock out. but everyone already knew that.

September 22, 2006

here you go

to keep everyone occupied while i construct my next article here is something to look and laugh at when your bored, drunk, high or whatever else your doing at school...

best video ever.

September 8, 2006

New Facebook, Fuck You

What's with this new facebook horsecrap? Do I really need to see the discomfortingly creepy pictures that Jon King (hairy) posted? Or that Kari and some guy named Henry Mayo-Malasky are now friends? Or that Phil pees sitting down, with his hands on his nipples? I think not. Seriously, fuck you facebook. Fuck you for doing this, and fuck you for making me care.

August 13, 2006

Summer Films

Hey guys...hope the summer is goin' well for all. Just thought i'd bring back some films, plus throw in a new one i recently took. This first one, the most recent, is of Mike Stanziani in a tutu, dressed up as a woman. I think it's funnier if i don't explain WHY he was dressed up like so, and dancing on stage, but just observe; he's the one in the blue towards the left.

Steve Smith Dancing...

and I was going to put block up...but i feel like a dick.....comment if u want block up on here

July 15, 2006

Random Thoughts

All classic tv shows sound ridiculous when dubbed in spanish. Trust me, if you thought you were missing out by never having witnessed the Adams Family, Gilligan's Island, or even Happy Days with gaudy Mexican accents, you're not. P.S. I'd slide Mrs. C

I saw a place that sold shish kabobs for 60 cents apiece. What awful mix of dog, horse, and hobbo meat did they blend with puke saturated sawdust to come up with such a cheap substance? Needless to say, I ate three and went back the next day.

Someone should really go down to crown trophy in Briarcliff and have a Most Improved Hottie trophy made so we can send it to Cannon down in Annapolis. While they're at it, they can also pick one up with a giant dick at the top for Noah. If he rejects it, I'm sure Dbon will find a use for it.

Perhaps the two greatest moments in this years world cup were the Zidane headbutt in the final, and Cannavaro getting hit in the nuts by a wayward lob.

¡MIKE JONES! Why hasn't his picture been sent to the Mike's hard company yet?

How long is that Lionel Richie/Bean poll going to be up? I propose a new poll: Who is the bigger creep, Phil for his obvious and unhealthy obsession with little children, or that kid Elliot in D-Mitch's posse? By the way check out

Question for Nick D. If you could choose between T-Fresh or taking a dump and going to sleep, how long would you mull it over before heading to the bathroom?

N.A.R.B.s: an unwanted inconveniece, OR an unexpected opportunity for a good time?

I think I speak for everyone when I say that Phil's speech, took Kratschmer's, bent it over and thrusted with about 10,000,000 Newtons of force, but only after having given the latter a series of jelly dougnuts which rendered it prime for the donkey punch which occured shortly after the aforementioned science experiment. Phil's speech then slipped Kratschmer's a 10 and kicked the cliche of a town bicycle out of his house.

June 15, 2006

"I Really Don't Have a Speech..."

As many of you may already know, I am salutatorian for the Class of 2006 at Somers High School. One of the great responsibilities of this position, aside from being kratschmer's bitch, is to speak at the opening of graduation. With time running out, it's looking more and more like I'm gonna pull a Choi... which actually would be amazing, but I'm not doin it. With that said, I encourage all of you to post suggestions for my speech. Make them as ridiculous as you want or as realistic as you want. It can be an idea, a quote, or a ridiculous stunt. Anything that really says something about our class. I can promise that most of the suggestions will not be used, but some may, and, if not, they may at least give me ideas. And, if I get enough ridiculous shit, I will write an unedited version of my speech to be posted on Bonsai. Gimme somethin' fresh.

June 1, 2006

The Chronicles of Seaside

Ok. Prom is June 8th and I think every guy has a date. As mentioned in a previous post, females tend to get a little too excited and possessive about prom. Guys just tend to go with the flow and do whatever the chicks plan because we know that prom isn’t really about prom. Yeah its nice and fun to dress up in tuxedos, dance, and eat filet mignon (Phil actually ordered the salmon…..what a bitch), but honestly who gives a shit? The actual prom part of prom will consist of reluctantly taking pictures and running away from an extremely horny Miss Cawley (special warning to Matt Suraci, John Veg, Mike Sanzillo, Marc Yannocone and Nick D, in that order).
The only things I want to see at Candlewood Inn are for Mrs. White to do the robot, Mr Boire grind up on Mr. Bernecker, and Miss Timone makeout with Miss Tahan. Cause honestly prom isn’t about formality and elegance, its about Seaside and its about the chicks. To quote Dane Cook no straight guy before prom ever says, “Yo man, fuck chicks tonight. I wanna dance”.
Seaside Heights is where it’s at. If we tried, we wouldn’t be able to find a place as scummy or dirty as where we’re going. The only true inhabitants of the town are rats and illegitimate children who have been abandoned by their teenage parents. But its funny how beautiful Seaside can be when about a bee-in drunk and stupid seniors are crammed into approximately 5 motels. Here is my rendition of what will happen when Somers High School invades Seaside Heights June 9th:

June 8th, midnight- Prom is over and people begin to leave Candlewood Inn. New York New York is playing so we’re all in a good mood. Everybody starts piling in their limos and busses, everyone that is, except for Ryan D (D gets in what he thinks is a limo but it is really a tree). Miss Cawley gets in a sketchy white Econoline which proceeds to follow Suraci’s limo (hmmm?).

June 9th 0140 hours- Ryan D’s limo is about to cross the GW bridge when they discover Ryan D is not with them. Everyone is down for leaving D until Mike Jones points out that Ryan has all the alcohol. Almost immediately, everyone changes their minds and the limo turns around to pick him up. By now, Suraci’s limo is passing Miss Cawley’s house but for some reason the white Econoline continues to follow the limo.

June 9th 0220 hours- Ryan D is found at Candlewood Inn making out with the statue of a naked woman. He only stops when he realizes that everyone in his limo is staring at him. Upon entering the limo there is complete silence for ten minutes, then Ryan D passes out.

June 9th 0330 hours- All limos have safely reached Seaside Heights, New Jersey. The only limo that was stopped and checked was Jimmy’s. However, when the cop sticks his head in the door to see if he can smell alcohol, Lou G puts on his brass knuckles and punches the officer in the face shouting, “a Lou G, a Lou G, a Lou G”. The limo then speeds off and proceeds as if nothing has happened. Back in Seaside we find that Miss Cawley is conveniently staying in the room right adjacent to Suraci’s.

June 9th 1000 hours- We wake up to a beautiful and clear Seaside morning. The only person to eat breakfast is Hamilton, who prepares himself a cupa tea and some crumpets. Everyone decides to head over to the beach to maybe catch a little sun or do a little swimming. Alex Simmons is the first one in the water and he begins to swim out beyond where he can stand. It is at this point when he remembers black people can’t swim and he begins to drown. Everybody starts to panic until out of nowhere, Dirty Joey “Hollister” Sanchez swoops in on a surfboard and saves Simmons from the clutches of death. He brings him to shore where he proceeds to give Alex mouth to mouth CPR. Veg comments that he looks like a dead fish and Papalia chimes in that he looks pretty crappy. Suddenly, Simmons smiles then puts the move on Dirty, only Dirty doesn’t resist. (I know this is weird but hey, its Seaside!, you never know)

June 9th 1030 hours- By now, Kev U has found his way over to the beach volleyball courts where a bunch of kids from Yorktown are playing. Kev U joins them but is given 5 fags as teammates. Kev U says, “Fuck this. I hate faggots” and soon it is all of Yorktown HS versus Kev U. All that can be heard from the court is the sound of Kev U spiking the ball at peoples heads and screaming, “You like that bitch!!!”. In any case the final score is Yorktown HS- 0, Kev U- 104.

June 9th 1345 hours- Everybody goes back to the motels expecting to eat lunch except that they realize everyone’s bagged lunches have been stolen. Somebody asks, “who would steal 200 bagged lunches?”. This question is answered when Kamer finds a bloated Miss Cawley (Big Girl) stuck in the doorframe of his motel. Fortunately for the males at Seaside, Miss Cawley remains stuck in the doorframe for the remaining duration of the trip (Suraci can breathe now).

June 9th 1800 hours- Its time to GWKC (get wrecked kid cheoo) and Party Kid Whaaaa (both of these happen to be playlists on Mike J’s I-Pod….btw). Everyone heads into their rooms and when they come out everyone is absolutely trashed.

Sorry but this is all I have time to write. If I post it after seaside, then there is no point. Go ahead and rip on me but you can all suck my ass. It was a good idea. PEACE KID!

May 14, 2006

The Good, The Bad and The Bean

Alex Bean as we know him now is a track superstar. He has broken many-a-record during his lengthy track career, but little does one know in eighth grade Alex Bean was a badass. Yes, a badass, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and consider him to be a professional badass. How, you might be asking yourself, well in this next five minutes I am going to inform you of the dirty deeds that he committed throughout the long and strenuous eighth grade.

One of the most distinct memories of mine about Alex Bean was on the first day of eighth grade. I checked my schedule and saw that I had the famous Mrs. Storra for eighth period history. "Great," I thought to myself, "This shit class towards the end of the day, fuck this." I entered the classroom and was hit in the face by a barrage of characters. Sitting in the front row, doing god knows what, is Ryan Dietrichs. I think we all know what his deal is. Behind him was Matt Newman, one of those classic "everyone's friend" kids…a must have in every class. I took my seat next to Newman and looked around the rest of the room. Ethan Kamer was also in the class and he was sitting next to Bean. There were enough jerk offs in this class to make fun of all year, so I can't say I was too frustrated at this point. Storra walked in and class began. BORING SHIT let me tell you, so boring the Alex Bean began to grow tired and made one of the biggest loudest yawns I have ever heard in my short time here on earth. Storra stopped talking and asked his name, she then moved him to the front row right in front of her. Foreshadowing for the rest of the year? Yes. Bean's front seat didn't faze him much, and of course myself and Dietrichs were out of control. As the year progressed Kamer began joining in on the fun and our seats were constantly being switched. It got to the point where both myself and Bean were put in the back corner of the classroom. Terrible decision on Storra's part because the antics just kicked up form here. More times then not we would play pencil baseball, and more times then not we would be caught doing so. Writing on the desks was a daily occurrence and the back of Mrs. Storras classroom could be considered the birthplace of characters. We would throw shit around, talk loudly and one ominous day cheered Ryan on as he downed sugar packets from the back of the classroom. Storra HATED Alex Bean, and the reason he was not in honors history all of high school was due to that class.

An Alex Bean in class and an Alex Bean at recess were two different people. Inside the school he had a big mouth, outside he got physical. I recall one day at recess I had acquired a digital camera from my parents and it took short ten second videos. What better to film the Alex being out of control? While Ryan was distracting Mr. Bucci by literally running circles around him Bean had an idea. He said put the camera on Phil and start filming when he began running. I did as I was told, and what I saw was possibly the funniest thing I had seen that entire year. I was peering through the camera lens when out of nowhere Bean comes into the picture and SPEARS Phil. It looked like a textbook football tackle, shoulder into his back straight into the ground, hardcore shit. Bean began laughing, but from what I remember, it took Phil a second or two to regain himself. Later in the year at recess Bean got a string of after school detentions. Three days in a row he did something dick enough to warrant detention. The first day was because he took Kev U's mini banana and roofed it. The next day it was because he stole a ball from Paul Cody (I think), and roofed it. The third day was because of his part in the baseball/lacrosse wars. I applauded him on all three, they were very funny. He was threatened by the biggest bitch in an authorities role, Mr. "I wear pink sweaters" Persampari. Guy was a total tool. Anyway, he was threatened by him that if he got detention one more time he would be suspended. Bean cooled his recess antics for a little but, but found a new love for the John Veg invented game KONE KICKING.

On the two school trips we had at the end of the year Bean had his swansong of badass-ness. During Greenkill John Veg and me had found an interest in a certain staff member. He looked very much like the lead singer from System of a Down. We took it upon ourselves to approach him and ask him if he, in fact, was the lead singer of System of a Down. Knowing damn well he wasn't we were yelled at by this individual. It was a cheap thrill. Not to be outdone Bean took matters into his own hands to find a staff member who looked very similar to one David Beckham. Not only did this pervert look like him, gelled hair and all, he also talked, walked and played soccer like him. The rest of the trip every time Bean saw this guy he would yell out "DAVID BECKHAM!!!" We later found out that this guy had, what seemed to me, an obsession with David Beckham. At the end of the trip we all found ourselves making triangles with out hands and holding them up to our hair to look like this guy. He thought we liked him…we were mocking that douche bag. The bunk situation in Greenkill was a whole other story. Ten kids to a room, I can't remember all ten who were in the room but that doesn't really matter; what matters are the ridiculous stunts Bean pulled in the bunks. Someone had brought a mock WWF championship wrestling belt along with them on the trip. Since I was very into wrestling, and so was Bean, we decided it would be fun to beat the shit out of people and then romp around the bunk, and entire cabin, hoisting the belt above our heads. Imagings if we had smoked pot back then, imagine some of the wild things we would have done. Nevertheless, Bean came to the conclusion that I wasn't necessary as a partner to beat up people with, so I was speared onto one of the beds, belt stripped away from me, and he was flying solo. We reunited about 5 minutes later, but still, a ridiculous stunt. My favorite bunk stunt was when Bean woke up a sleeping Noah Sandburg by jumping on top of him from one bunk to another. I don't think Noah and his horse dick appreciated that very much.

Finally, the Lake Compounce trip, something we had all been looking forward too after we had heard about it. Rides, food and all the soda we could drink, pretty fucking sweet if you ask me. It was a shitty day when we went, raining on and off, but that didn't stop us. About halfway through the day Ryan Dietrichs comes back from wandering around telling us he's found the best ride in the entire park. He was dripping wet but we all though he was playing in puddles or something. We followed him to the ass end of the park when we finally saw it. A water ride, where you sit in a raft, about eight people, and go down this "raging river," of whitewater and get fucking soaked. We did it once and we were hooked. As we are going up the conveyer belt which drops you into the white water Bean leans over and whispers something to me. I'm sure some of you remember the berating I received from one Alison Notter on the Greenkill trip, where I was told how ugly and unintelligent I was; well apparently this was still fresh in Bean's mind, and although it had nothing to do with him, he wanted payback. What he whispered to me brought a very VERY large smile to my face, I told him next time we go around we would act out the plan. We enjoyed the ride and now we were all business. SHOW TIME. As we wait online I see Notter and her group of raft riders behind us waiting to go on again. I was so pumped to do this; I hated this girl back then. We enter the ride and I inform everyone of what we were doing. I don't know why, but everyone was down to act upon the plan. Notter's group gets on the ride and we just go into song, replacing half a line form this comical blink-182 song with a line of our own.

It would be nice, to have a blow job,
It would be nice, to have a blow job,
It would be nice, to have a blow job,
It would be nice, to have a blow job, "FROM ALISON NOTTER!!!."

Wait a minuet…did this actually happen? Did we actually just yell this out to the queen of hotties? There is no way we had the balls to do this, right? WRONG. We did it; we did it THIRTEEN FUCKING TIMES. Each time we went on the ride we yelled that shit out loud and proud. Although, I'm not so sure she heard us, and come to think of it, I'm pretty glad she didn't hear it, because I was in for another slandering if she did. Regardless, it was a fantastic stunt and a brilliant idea from the master of eighth grade scheme.

Looking back I think everyone appreciated Alex Bean and what he did in eighth grade. If it weren't for Bean would we have loved bush diving as much as we did? If it wasn't for Bean would "characters," have existed? Think about an AlexBeanless eighth grade, because I certainly can not picture it.

May 13, 2006

Look- A -Likes

Here are some look-a-likes that I have compiled over the last few months, which I feel like I should share with everyone. For some of these people I do not have pictures for, so you will have to deal with it. I did not come up with all of these on my own; I just feel the need to let everyone see what many of us have been talking about this year.

Mike J. vs. Mike J Look-a-Like - “J” look-a-like is a freshman kid that was discovered a few months ago, when someone realized that there was another Mike Jones roaming the halls. All I know about this kid is that he might not even be Asian at all, and that he does not pack lips as fat as the real Mike J does.

Nick Debellis vs. Jason Biggs – Similar in so many ways.

Mrs. Debellis vs. Parula Bell – If you have not seen Parula from the Yorktown Taco Bell, I suggest you make the trip because even Nick D. will admit that she looks like his mom.

Mr. Debellis vs. Eugene Levy – The third uncanny Debellis family look-a-like.

Block vs. Block – Lets not lie to ourselves, block has no neck and is shaped like a square.

Florida Gator’s Center Joakim Noah vs. The Worlds Ugliest Dog – Joakim is quite possibly the ugliest athlete I have seen since Patrick Ewing and McMonk. He has a ridiculous resemblance to the world’s ugliest dog.

Somers Junior Mike D’amore vs. UCLA guard Jordan Farmar – Many of you probably do not know both of these people but if you do you have to think that they look the same.

Lunch Lady Judy vs. Little Richard – They both wear the same amount of makeup.

Troll vs. This thing – Troll really resembles anything that isn’t attractive.

Tony Vegliante vs. Ralphie from “The Andy Milonakis Show” – They look, sound, and sometimes act the same.

Shane (the kid that sprints through the halls) vs. Lionel Richie – Give this kid 40 years and he will look identical.

May 10, 2006

Tennis, Poughkeepsie, and Platinum Teeth

This story starts one Friday afternoon, when the Somers Varsity Tennis team has an away match in Poughkeepsie. So after match, Mike Valerio and I walk from the tennis courts to the nearest McDonalds...which is about a mile or so away. I’m currently in my usual tennis away match outfit…hooded sweatshirt, sun glasses, cap, headband, knee socks…basically pretty ghetto toolish. We're currently on like the main street of Poughkeepsie, which is the headquarters of ghettoness for the Hudson Valley. Everyone was black...there were those twenty old guys riding those 20 inch bicycles and, once in awhile, when a shoddy car would pass, this one guy would cross his arms to make an X and just roar.

So anyway, Mike and I left McD's, trying to get back to Poughkeepsie High, but we got quite lost (mistake #1). After about fifteen minutes of roaming around—trying to find our way back—we end up on the sketchiest street I've ever been on. It's about dusk/evening right now, massive trees are lining the sidewalk making it even darker, and what looked like abandoned houses encircled us. So Valerio gets this phone call, and goes to sit down on this stoop, and I’m still standing on the sidewalk right by the road. I suddenly hear something booming, I look up, and see the first sign of life for the last fifteen minutes.

This black Ford Explorer is zooming down the road…its got the standard tinted glass, chrome rims, and booming speaks. I see that this truck is slowing down, and eventually stopping right next to me. I should have run away right now. I suddenly feel quite uncomfortable, because I realize what I’m wearing. I put my hood up, hoping it would make him not see me. My greatest fear comes true when the Explorer’s windows roll down, and I see a pretty hardcore black guy inside. But this guy screams out, at me, “WHATUPP NIGGA.” So this guy thinks I’m black, which pumps me up incredibly. I look around, to make sure no actual black guy is around…I look at Valerio for any advice, and I get nothing. All fear I used to feel is suddenly vanished and I’m now determined to make this guy my friend.

Since this black guy think I’m a fellow Afro-American, I decide to spit him back some of my Ebonics skills I’ve been yearning to use. So I go up to the car and say something simple like “Yo, nigga, what you need?” And yes, I dropped the n-word, just so I can say I did in front of a real non-Alex Simmons black guy. So this guy is talking back at me in rapid Ebonics…I barely understood him, mostly cause I was staring at the platinum in his teeth and I was also wondering what the fuck am I doing? I just nod and nod and he unexpectedly asks me if I want to make 200 dollars. Now, I should have said no and ran away, but honestly…I wanted to know what he exactly wanted me to do and, also, I already knew this was a good story but I wanted to bring it to the next level.

So I do a little Ali G snap and ask him what he wants me to do, and he responds “get in the car son.” I freak out, realize this is bad news, but I try to act cool and I just say “nah man.” This man doesn’t like this and replies “Look, you fuckin listen to me nigga, you do what I fuckin tell you to do…” So he’s yelling at me, blasting away a bunch of expletives, I don’t even remember what I said back, but apparently he thought it was funny, and he laughs a lot. He then goes “Aight man, if you not gonna get in, meet me at Oakley and High—

This guy looks at his rearview mirror and sees two cars zooming down FAST. He’s fuckin scared, screams out “FUCK,” stomps on the gas peddle and rolls up his window. I run away, fearing that these cars are going stop and hunt me down, but these two cars blow past us chasing the Explorer. After recovering for a couple minutes, Valerio and I walk again, but we suddenly hear gunshots.

All I know is that I'm now officialy in the same league as 50 Cent.


So, being that AP's are over, and that the temperature is consistently in the 70's, school is basically over which means its time for some end of the year awards. Just cause I feel like it, they will be in superlative form.

Most likely to shock more women than Michael Jackson does 12yr old boys- Mike Nov

Most likely to have a wang with a mass comparable to that of any Caribbean island other than fuck that, including Cuba- Noah

Most likely to live under a bridge- Troll

Most likely to be completely unintelligible at all times- Big Spizz

Most likely to get so proficient at having his fudge packed, that he can open his own candy stand, say Doug's Fudge Emporium, where he "makes it, but YOU pack it!" - Dark Prince (Runner up- DBon)

Most likely to have a nose with a mass comparable to that of Noah's wang- Nov

Most likely to be a monumental tool- Steve Smith

Most likely to perfect their sandwich making skills and end up working at Subway where they incessantly talk, in their trademark voices, about how they could kick everyone's ass and get any bitch they want-

Most likely to have ask out his prom date by putting a note in one of her books- Phil

Most likely to sodomize a prized baby goat while humming "Deutschland Uber Alles," eating babies, putting up Novosel's hood, and doing coke off a rusty, tetanus-infected knife blade which he used to stab a score of endagered manatees, all while thinking about ripping out a man's intestines and using them for rope with which to tie up innocent damsels to train tracks...and then join the Ghetto Boys- DiPaolo

Ghost Ride The Whip!

Eighth Grade Recess

Recess is a well known institution; but it is one that is often taken for granted. From kindergarten through seventh grade, it was simply a fun part of the school day. However, in eighth grade something changed. Maybe it was hormones. Maybe we sensed that it was our final year of true recess, a recess where the whole grade was together. Or maybe it was Donald Grande. All I know is that we redefined what recess was all about.

The Beginning
Eighth grade recess started like any other year – with some classic games of football in the fall. Early on, though, we could tell something was different. Sure, there was probably a sick game-winning Hail Mary and even some sicker catches, but there is only one play we still remember – Nick D. QB sneaking for a touchdown, pump-faking defenders the entire way down the field. And, consistent with this, the remainder of the year’s recesses proved to be enormous jokes as well.

Full Blown Aids
This cast of characters varied greatly, starting with the infamous Lunch Nazi on the way out to recess. This lady was the biggest BITCH ever (honestly, if u can think of a bigger one, please tell me… and I don’t mean big like tucker-big, although she was). However, the Lunch Nazi was usually easily avoided or, if not, at least outran. Once outside, one came across characters such as Mr. Conner, the massive guy with the goatee and cowboy hat who bears a strong resemblance to Satan. This guy broke up mad fights and was just the man. And then, of course, there’s Bucci. He was already the coolest teacher ever from seventh grade reading class, and his presence at recess only added to his mystique. The glasses and the hair made us all think he was really old, but soon Ryan started stealing Bucci’s red pen right from his shirt pocket. Then, we would get to see Bucci break into a full sprint, catch Ryan, and lift him up by one arm. This proved that Bucci was not an old guy but, rather, a really cool, beastly old guy who had no problem beating up kids.

Mafia Wars
As the weather got colder and Mrs. Vespe became more boring, a crime family began to form in her Italian class. After a trip to Yorktown Boces and an encounter with the Masta-Don, the hierarchy became clearer. Nick D. and I were Dons of La Famiglia Prosciutto and soon we had consiglieres, hit-men, butchers, and more. Our enemies, under the name La Famiglia Morto, were targeted at recess. However, they were weak in numbers and the mafia craze would’ve died out soon if it wasn’t for Cheese. Cheese started out small as a resistance movement to the mafias. Eventually, their numbers grew to the point where a brawl was imminent. For a solid two weeks, recess consisted of brawling and calling hits on top members of each group. In my case, most of these brawls consisted of me scoping out Matt Newman and then the two of us charging each other and punching each other in the sides for a few minutes. After a few major players were whacked, mafia wars died out.

When recess was limited to the blacktop only, our options were significantly reduced. Some jokers tried to start real games of basketball, but the ball was always hogged by the best players, and most people had no fun watching them play. Once again, it was Nick D who came through and made recess absurd. It was in these winter games of basketball that he made famous the “nick shot” – a shot taken, often one-handed and blind, with ridiculous facial expression and pose. The only thing more ridiculous than his face was the number of these shots he actually sank. And if the “nick shot” was not enough, he further entertained us with fully clothed, but still highly skilled, pole dancing. He could make several spins around the pole while outstretched and parallel to the ground. It was this mastery that earned him the title MVP, Most Valuable Pole-dancer.

The Secret Life of Jimmy Mac
Some days, despite our efforts, recess was just boring. We couldn’t provide ourselves with entertainment, so we sought it elsewhere. Usually, this meant lining up twenty guys or more along the fence and heckling Jimmy MacWhirter and his crew, which included Erin Arden and Lally. They would ignore our taunts and continue with their game of “bounce the ball on the wall” leaving us with no option but to be assholes and steal the ball. And, then, when they would tell on us, we would go tell Mr. Conner that they weren’t letting us play… and then they had to let us play. Classic.

Riots on the Streets of Somers Middle School
Once spring rolled around there was no stopping us. We all had the disease – we were infected with second degree senioritis. At the head of our rebellion was none other than Aaron Daniels. It was his creation of the high intensity sport of bush diving that started the revolution. If the appeal of throwing yourself onto a bush and being flung back wasn’t enough, which it was, we still would’ve done it – just to disobey the aids, who for some reason banned the activity. Soon, the chaotic insubordination grew into unified revolt. On the tenth anniversary of the Rodney King riots, Daniels led us in protest, running around the aids chanting “No Justice, No Peace!!!” Of course, when the end of recess bell rang, we were too excited to just enter the building quietly. We charged into the gym entrance creating a huge traffic jam. Vinnie Monaco started screaming “MOSH PIT,” while people pushed and shoved and toppled over the garbage can scattering waste everywhere. This was such a pleasurable experience for all of us that the “end of recess mosh/knock over the garbage” became tradition for the remainder of the school year.

Baseball-Lacrosse Wars
When the spring sport seasons began, the lacrosse players found it necessary to bring their three hundred dollar sticks to recess everyday and throw around a lacrosse ball. What’s the fuckin’ deal with that?! You didn’t see the baseball players bringing in gloves and bats and playing at recess, because that’s not what recess was for. You played your sport everyday after school at practice. And the lacrosse players didn’t even do it for practice. They wanted to show off that they played lacrosse and brag about their new heads and shafts. The baseball players, and baseball supporters, eventually had enough of this shit. We would line up on the fence overlooking the lower field, insult the lacrosse players, and then drown out their whining with chants. The aids tried to solve this problem by sitting us on the curb, but, when Daniels started running up and down the line high-fiving us, we got louder than before. Not knowing how to handle the situation, Mr. Wanderlingh told us all to sit on the curb, even though we were already there (amazing). For the majority of recess, the war was a verbal one. However, in the end of recess mosh pits at the gym entrance, baseball and lacrosse kids would mix and mad brawls would break out. Oh yeah, and by the way, Novosel, even though you hung around with us during this time, you were still a lax tool.

World Cup Soccer
This was the last major movement of eighth grade recess. With the introduction of soccer balls to recess and the real World Cup getting into full swing, we had little other choice. It was an every-man-for-himself rumble with a soccer ball in the middle. The goal was the baseball backstop, which sounds easy enough but, in reality, the ball was on the other side of the field most of the time, because bringing it any closer meant getting the shit tackled out of you. This is an amazing game, and we need to bring it back this year.

Kickball was a common recess pastime the entire year, but on one fateful day in May it became so much more. It was a clear day… a good day for kickball. We actually had some trouble starting our game, because so many girls were laying around in right field. We told them to leave, but they just gave us looks and ignored us. We began the game, anyway, and, for the most part, they didn’t interfere. That is until there were about five minutes left in the period. Ethan Kamer, a lefty, comes to the plate for his team, which is down by a significant margin. While he stands ready for the pitch, Laura Williams and her friends are walking in right field towards the parking lot. Ethan makes contact. He sends a sky-high shot into right, hard to judge at first, but as the ball descends it becomes clearer and clearer where it is headed. Everyone holds their breath until “DOINK!” Laura Williams is down. We all erupt in laughter and applause, and Ethan is given a legend’s welcome at home plate by both teams (heroes get remembered but legends never die). For a second, there is dispute over the call, but John Vegliante acting as umpire quickly calls an automatic win. The cheers are beginning to die down when someone points out that Laura is still on the ground. Not only this, but she is surrounded by her friends and not moving…. A second round of praise explodes! Ethan is hoisted upon our shoulders. Finally, the nurse comes out and, with the friends, helps Laura up and into the school. As recess ends and we head into the school, Laura’s friends pass by and call Ethan a jerk for what he did. This prompts round three of congratulations from all those around. And, then, it is stated that, henceforth, the tenth of May shall officially be named Ethan Kamer Day in honor of his truly extraordinary deed.

So there you have it. Eighth grade was the year that we redefined the meaning of recess… but it was also the year that recess defined us. It defined our class as we were then. Do any of you remember the very end of that school year? One of the last few days of school, a half-day I think, they handed out some shitty visors that apparently were chosen to be the eighth grade graduation gift. Beyond this I don’t remember much, except that they gave us a complimentary recess afterwards. And during this final recess of middle school what did we all do?… kickball, kid.

May 7, 2006

An Evaluation Of Somers High School Clubs

With the plethora of random and often worthless high school clubs, its about time we broke down what each club actually does...if its anything at all that is.

Student Council
Pros- bullshit constitutions, opportunities for free stuff, and they pay for Jack D.
Cons-Taken too seriously...honestly who cares.

Pros- Allows for ridiculous irony
Cons- They are actually against substance abuse

Language Clubs
Pros- Trips, namely Arthur Avenue
Cons- Require people to at least feign interest in something other that the trips.

Animal Awareness/Adoption Club

Pros- Get Wrecked Kid Cheo!!!!!
Cons- Not an actual club...maybe in college

Gay and Lesbian Alliance
Pros- Posts the word "lesbian" all over school
Cons- Can't get us a friggin assembly

Marching Band
Pros- They play "Come Sail Away" and "Pinball Wizard."
Cons- They play "Come Sail Away" and "Pinball Wizard," very badly.

National Honor Society
Pros- Outstanding carnations (To Steve Smith: We find you annoying. From: Everybody)
Cons- Forces people to be within 100 feet of Poops for at least once a week, and also carnation sales are only once a year.

Whatever club it is that put up those global warming signs
Pros- Now there is a clear winner for largest association of douchebags, finally breaking the tie between the College Board and the French.
Cons- The moments I wasted reading those signs have made me a dumber, slower, more pissed off person than ever before.

April 5, 2006

Now That Would Be Awesome

As stated before, we have entered the fourth quarter, our final quarter, here at the great Somers High School. Our grade has produced some of the most perve characters that have ever gone through this school. Legends have been born, achievements have been made, retards have been mocked, and although this is all good and fun, I for one, am not impressed. The following are some things I would like to see go down before our high school careers come to a close.

Noah Sandberg

His penis is legendary, and I want to see it. I am sick and tired of all the lunch time trade talk, Noah's penis for Dana's, Victoria's, and Jillian's boobs plus a bagel with extra cream cheese. NO NO NO...For my sake, for your own sake, just take it out. What is there to be ashamed of? Don't think its going to live up to the hype? Hey, worse comes to worse and it isn't as big as promised, but I 100% guarantee you it will still be bigger than Mike J's, so you have no need to worry. What else could go wrong though, seriously? If your father took the time to talk about this with another kid's father in EIGHTH GRADE, it must be a big deal, pun intended. What are you going to surprise us and just take it out and hit someone in the face with it? Imagine that...Third period free, and for once noah's penis isn't the subject of conversation. Dana is still trying to promote her "Snuggle-X" productions company, when all of a sudden you hear a "zip" noise. It goes silent. Everyone looks around and the only thing that you can hear is the sound of Troll's beard growing longer. No one knows what is was, so back to business as usual. Shortly after that a stench fills the air...It smells of bagels. People start to cough and gag the smell is so strong. The room gets hotter, so hot that the females start removing their shirts...But that's all part of the plan. A small rumbling begins and everyone turns to Noah. His seat begins to shake as his pants rip in half and a gigantic boner is exposed, so big even little girl couldn't fit it in her mouth. It swings into the air as people latch onto it attempting to hold it down. Imagine that...Too bad it could never happen...Just take it out already man.

Also, on the subject of Noah, can you please do the following as you say you will everyday...

.....Crack Peter Kolaj. No one likes him, so just do it, we have your back.
.....Get trashed. Really trashed, we will all be there with you just in case something happens.
.....Make a Jewish joke to Ullman's face. You said you would, so do it.


Because it is the fourth quarter it is time for senior pranks. As freshmen we experienced some great pranks in our school, and since then we have seen nothing but feeble attempts at pranks. I don't care who or what you do it to, just do it. We do graduate in two months, so who gives a fuck. What is there to be worried about? Linda and her goons suspending you from school? T hreats of your college of choice being called and informed what you did? Lies...Fabrications...Bullshit. Don't worry about it, do the most perve, creative, disgusting, insulting things you can think of, and hell, write about them on here once you're done doing them. I, for one, have a few ideas in my head and I plan on acting them out so long as my partners don't back out.


Mentally challenged...Special...RETARDS. I don't care what you call them or who deems this offensive, that is what they are, deal with it. I want to see two retards, possibly four in a tag team effort, fight each other. Horrible you call me? Twisted? Sick? FUCK YOU...I know entertainment when I see it, and this would be entertaining. People in the lunchroom who turn their heads when the rest of us are watching Block dance, relax will you? He doesn't know we are making fun of him, he thinks we are enjoying it which is making him smile and be happy, so let it go and join in. "You guys are horrible," yeah well fuck you we are 17 and 18 year old boys what do you expect. Anyway, I want to see some of these tards throw down. They have tempers and yell often at each other or their teachers, so why don't they ever hit each other? Some of them are assholes anyway, thinking they can do whatever they want and get away with it. Honestly now, sure they have a difficult time controlling themselves, but if they, and their teachers and parents, want them to be treated as equals they need to learn how to behave like humans. I'm sorry I don't like them going around and sneezing on people, or wiping their spit on someone else's shirt, or just in general walking around and being a dick. If you want to be a dick, do it to Block, and please...Just crack him so I can see one of you get pounded by another.

Little Girl

I'd like to see how many guys she can hookup with in one night and not feel down about herself. Yes she accomplished 3, possibly more last year, but lets get real...True skanks take 3 cocks at once three, four, even five times a day. You need to step your game up, and you need to not only suck dick, but starting getting banged out. Come on Little Girl, we know you want to, don't be so shy.


More of them, lots more of them. What a shitty winter after a rather decent fall season of parties. Max's house...Westfest, to name a few, were some pretty good, fun parties. I had a great time in the fall...This winter on the other hand, not so much. Cold weather, short days, the Knight...Just a few reasons why this winter sucked. I want more more more parties in the spring. It's nice out, it's warm at night, we don't need a house to party at now, we just need someone's backyard. Hill Hutch, for example, has thrown a few good outdoor parties where I bet almost everyone had a great time. Not only do I want to see more parties, but I think we need more parties. This is the last time our grade will ever be together as one. Two more months and I wont see 95% of the suckers we go to school with. We need to enjoy this time to all hang out together, and more importantly, some of the hotties in our grade need to come to their senses and start making out with me, and what better place to do it than a party? You'll probably be drunk, which is a great excuse to make out with me because then you can tell all your friends who will most likely rip on you that you were drunk and didn't know what you were doing, even though we will be hanging out that night and doing the same thing we did the night before, except this time you will be sober and you will realize that I am way cooler than any of your friends. More importantly, I want to enjoy the last few months (about 4) with my good friends because we will all go our separate ways once college starts. Sure we are going to talk and hang out and visit each other at our respective schools, but things won't be the same, you and I both know that.

Bonsai Potato

I want to see this website get into trouble with the school. I want them to read something offensive, preferably this article, and launch a formal investigation. I then want to walk into our principal's office and listen to her berate me and call me an animal for some of the hurtful things I have written. Then I want to tell her that I really don't care who I have offended and that the internet is a place of free speech, similar to our school, and that if she doesn't like the website she or other students and parents (The gay Birdsall family) that they don't have to come here to read about it.

Viva La Bonsai.

The Corporate Restroom

I pose the question: where can you find a pointy pleather shoed Ricky Martin look- alike taking all too long to move his bowels next to a sloppy sixty year-old accountant sipping his flask through a straw while jerking off to "The Wall Street Journal" next to an asian sensation violently shaking his hamster dick to ensure not a single drop graces his petite purple panties all within earshot of a five foot tall serbian named Hans who is brushing his teeth, flossing, and milking every ounce of phlegm from his fucking esophagus before returning to his cubicle?

If you guessed Asst. Principal Brian E. Hunt's office after hours, guess again. These, my friends, are just some of the usual suspects crowding the corporate restrooms across America.

It is sad but true. You kiss your husbands and wives, fathers and mothers goodbye, wishing them a prosperous, a pleasant day. But nothing, not one thing, can prepare them for the horrors inherent in the place of their piss. Upon entering it's doors both humanity and humility go down the drain. You are first hit with the smell. Needless to say, it is the smell of shit. Yet a second sniff tells you otherwise. This is no ordinary shit. No. This is the shit of soy-latte guzzling, vegetarian vega-scarfing yuppie scum... and it fucking sucks. After a good thirty seconds of holding your breath to fight off the stench, you resort to a method of deep gasps through the mouth. Lightheadedness ensues and it is no longer worth the trouble. You suck it up, let down your defenses, and suck it in. Breathing a sigh of unhealthy relief, you come to terms with your surroundings.

Most of you are probably unaware that I hold the distinct pleasure of frequenting such a gem to the corporate society each and every fucking day. That particular pleasure is derived solely from the sanitary bowl-covers that are always stocked in at least one of the four stalls in the line up. I have been working in the building a little over a month now. Here is just a taste of what I have encountered...

I stand at a urinal and commence my flow. A middle aged gentlemen with the most peculiar stride to his step waltzes in, bypassing both urinals and stalls, and heads straight for the paper towels. In all likelihood, he could be blowing his nose, cleaning a spill in the office, or wiping his lenses... but I know things just aren't that simple around here. Through the corner of my eye I spot this freak snatch a paper towel and proceed to press it into a bowl, demonstrating complete mastery of the art that is pinch-pottery. He approaches me and unzips at a nearby urinal, attempting to conceal his creation... he is less than successful. My imagination runs wild and an unstoppable grin results. Both of us know he is up to something, and there is little neither him nor myself can do.
After close to minute of feigning urination simply to see what the fuck is going on, I zip up and rush to the mirror to wash, keeping close tabs on the man in the reflection. What I see next can only be described as one of the most vulgar cases of restroom misconduct ever to occur in that very building's history; that I am sure of. I shudder thinking about it to this day.
If you haven't guessed already, this man's contraption was used before my eyes to dab his dripping penis. As I gaze on, my jaw drops and I look down in disbelief... my thoughts race. How could an executive, a husband, a brother... a father be so fucking inept as to not have mastered the simple skill of male urinary procession from an early age. The man was in his mid-fifties for Christ's sake!
He walks in his same scheming nonchalant stride to the waste paper basket. He knows what he's done and he knows what I've seen. He figures: he's only a kid. He then proceeds to leave the visibly soaked-through pinch-pot on top of the overflowing basket and cover it with a fresh paper towel, righting his most heinous crime in the minds of all but one— which is why I am describing this today.

If you have yet to encounter the horrors of the corporate restroom feel no rush. Sadly, in five years you, too, will most likely be working a cubicle 9-5 and be hard at work reinventing the perversion of this mecca for degeneracy. Until then, keep clean, children. Know that there is no humanly cause to lift your feet off the floor while making poo-poo, and that if you see this from under a stall door, turn the other way, because there is a lot more than poo-poo going on in that stall. Watch out for the cornhole and above all else, shake as many times as needed; you are not being judged.

April 4, 2006

Put the "pring" in Spring

Class of 2006, in case you haven’t realized by now, we are in the last quarter of our High School career. Institutions of higher learning are sending out their decisions and our grade is proving to be one of the greatest of all time. Somers will be represented all over the country from Stanford (Kratchmyer)…. to prison (Frank the Narc). School is slacking off at a ridiculous rate, so basically most seniors would have AIDS if senioritis was the flu (You know you are beyond senioritis when you spend more time and stress working on a Bonsai article than you do on an English essay). However the best part of fourth quarter is not seeing people you hate get rejected from their number one college, rather it is the inception of the best season of the year, Spring. Spring, or as they say in Britain, "spring", is the most important season of the year as it includes many religious holidays such as Easter, Passover, Ethan Kamer Day, and 4/20. The following passages are just daily observations that signify the start of this wonderful season.

You know it’s the start of spring……

…when baseball season begins. Baseball is strictly a spring sport. By the time summer comes around and the games actually mean something, everyone is tired of it (except Noah, who is probably the only person in the school who can name last year’s participants in the World Series). There is almost nothing better than kicking back and watching a Yankees game on a cool and relaxing night. Unlike Mets fans, Yankees fans have no worries because a playoff berth is as automatic as Mike J starting a sentence with cheoo. Unfortunately, the game of baseball is really a Game of Shadows. Everything from arthritis cream to condoms are loaded with steroids that taint the image and integrity of the game (Barry Bonds, cough cough). In case you were wondering, yes you will test positive for steroids after reading this article.
…when you walk outside and the first thing you do is bask in the smell of freshly cut grass. For some reason grass odors only smell good at this time of year. No one admits to it, but if grass were a cologne or deodorant flavor they would wear it every day.
…when the climate is perfect. Spring has the best weather. An average spring day consists of a high temperature of 75 degrees accompanied by a cool breeze (the cool breeze being either the eighth grader named Breezey or the breeze created by T-Fresh as she walks by you in the hall).
…when you see more skirts in school than jeans. I speak on behalf of all guys, it should be mandatory for girls to wear skirts starting the first day of spring. Spring is a field day for perverts. It is sad and pathetic at how good some people (no names) are at seeing what they want to see. But to defend all males, the females ask for this kind of treatment (look at Little Girl). They know exactly what they’re doin’, every spring of our adult life they sit there oil, lotion, oil……..
…when baseball players have the farmers tan.
…when Mr. Miller stops wearing suspenders
…when Bonsai Potato regains its former glory.

There you have it. Spring is in the air and there is no where to hide. Hate or Love it, the underdog's on top and its gonna shine homie until my heart stop go head' envy me spring is the seasons MVP and it aint goin nowhere so you can get to know it.

Fellas, Questions? Comments? Concerns?

How Will Somers Lingo Fare?

As I am sure everybody is aware, there are quite a number of words/expressions/senseless noises that have become commonplace here in Somers. After all, making up words has been a Somers pastime ever since the days of 'qual' back in middle school. But how will these sayings survive next year when everyone is spread out over the country? Well, one can always guess.

Sketch- Not very unique to Somers, but elsewhere people might still wonder why we dropped the 'y.'

Kid- "Kid," which is really more of a tick, has ingrained itself into people's vocabulary much like the word "like" has found a fortress in Lauren Sysca's manner of speaking.

Nas (Vooch)- Will this ever die? Nas, kid.

"Thats Dick!"- Personally, I would be very dissapointed were this phrase to ever die out because honestly, there are few things quite as funny as hearing a flurry of "thats dick!" after anything is written on the lunch table. Just by the way, can we get a copy of the list of girls Nov has fingerbanged posted on this site. A table is much too temporary.

Waeo!- Mainly just trackie noise, it is very versatile but only stands a chance among a crowd of people who already use it.

Straight- This could be smothered by piece-of-crap, ultra-sensitive douchebags who claim it could be offensive to refer to good stuff with the same word which is commonly used to describe heterosexual people. My message to them: Fuck off.

Mike J's oooooooh noise- In 2026 during our twentieth high school reunion, when I ask Mike J. if he still gets trashed, there is only one noise I want to hear.

Beasts/Queers- These may also be purely trackie terms, for whether someone is good or not and while beast could live on without a problem the aforementioned douchebags(plus the rest of society) would probably object to kids who flat out suck at something being called queers. Oh well,its had a good run.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!- Unlikely to fade as it is possibly the most fun thing to say while wrecked. This is undoubtedly the reason why Miller uses it so often.

Cheo!- It's hard to tell whether this noise will last or not. While it could be easily embraced by a partying crowd, others may respond with comments like "Is he saying chill?" "No, I think he's telling us to chew."

April 1, 2006

More Like "OurSpace"

Everyone knows that myspace is the cool new thing to do. To talk to friends, look for famous people and look for people you used to know. Since the day I found out about myspace I began searching through this rediculous site looking for those people that we have all asked "Whatever happened to that kid". I think I was so interested in finding these people because I have questions that I want answered like, "Does Marvia Oates still dominate kickball?", "Did Paul Cody's mom ever come back?" and "Is will Devito stilla Tuppa?" I have always been interested in seeing what people that used to go to our school now look like. It took me some time but I think its worth it. Here is my list of some of the rediculous characters that once walked the halls of Primrose, SIS and SMS that we may have forgotten over the years.

- Paul Cody - Paul Cody was one of those guys back in SIS and Middle School that you always felt like he was going to grow up and be an absolute wacko for the rest of his life. I mainly remember Paul for when in Middle school he would always be the one to grab the ball bag before we went out to recess. Because he was the one to grab the bag first, he felt as if he was the one that would dole out the balls, he was such a tool. By looking at his myspace two tings that stand out are the fact that he lives nearby in Pawling and he is bisexual. One thing that doesn't surprise me, he has very few friends. All that I can say is that if he was in our school now, he would get into many fights, and probably get his ass handed to him.

- Dan O'Connel - Danny O'C, as he is now called. Not much to say bout him because many people still see and know him. He is a baller and a traitor because he plays for JFK. Danny was famous back in the day for giving people "flat tires" in the halls and for "taking people to school", the move where you tap a person on the shoulder and act like it wasn't you that did it. Unfortunately if you are not his friend you can't see his profile.

- Dawn Rigonia - Many people don't remeber much about her because she left and went to mahopac in like 4th grade. The only thing I remeber was that she smelt of smoke and her mom worked at the A&P. I guess she belongs in Mahopac.

- Rebecca Smith - Rebecca, the sisiter of Will Smith (Floor Hockey World Champ) was a girl none of us will ever forget. She seemed like a very nice girl, but she was often a nasty person. These days she apparently goes to Fox Lane High School and is good friends with the girlfriend of Will Smith.(I suggest you check out the pics) She know looks more normal than she used to but she still seems like the same person.

- Kristen Martin - Kristen was a girl that almost nobody really remembers because she was only here for a few years in the Middle School. She was a very quiet red headed girl that I don't really have any strong memories about. When you see her pics you will probably remember who she is. She now lives in Canada and is till friends with some girls in our grade.

- Nina Percopo - From day 1 I think that everyone knew that there was something up with this girl. After going to Somers for many years she finally dropped out and went to a private school in another state, even though she lives in Somers. Her myspace pretty much explains what the situation is with her. Wow.

- Will Devito - He was a Tuppa then..... and he is a Tuppa now. Will was a guy who always tried to play spots but never had an ounce of athleticism in his body. I think he still lives in somers but goes to the Iona Prep school for kids who want to be guidos. His myspace is basically a message to everyone from him saying that he is a pimp and he could beat everyone up. Come on Will....lets get serious.

- Marvia Oates - Clearly the most unforgettable person in the history of people that used to go to Somers. Oates was a better kickballer, shot put thrower, soccer player and competitive eater than any of the guys in our school, and we all knew it. Being in her class for a few years 2 moments stick out when I think about Mavia Oates. One was during field day in SIS, when she won the girls shotput competion by alot, but we came to realize that she had also beaten all of the boys numbers too! The other memory also had to do with Field Day(which was the shit by the way). Marvia for 3 years in a row was the anchor for her classes tug of war team. The loop at the end of the rope, that the teams biggest and strongest person would go into and serve as an anchor, was always manned by a boy. This was the first and only time I had seen a girl holding down the anchor for her team. Oh and by the way.... She is Bisexual.

- Lindsay Bello - She now attends JFK with Danny O'C.......and Mike Wynne for those that know him(He Hits Bombs!) She looks pretty much the same except she is about 30 shades darker. If you are not her friend on myspace then you cant see her profile.

- Suzanne Masser - Her profile does not have any pictures and looks like it is barely used but I am pretty sure it is hers because I remember her moving to Japan. If you don't remeber her you should probably check the yearbooks. She was very smart and kind of a tuppa. The one memory I had of her was that she moved to Japan days before I think the beginning of 6th grade? and the school didn't even know she was gone because she was on every attendance sheet and people mentioned her name all year, lets just say she had a lot of absenses.

- Brittany Cohn - Brittany Cohn was a girl that everyone probably remembers because she was here for a number of years. She now lives in New Jersey and is still friends with people in our grade. Judging by her pictures she is crazy. Thats about all that I remember.

- Rafael Kobyashi - This was a kid that was clearly unusual and very unique to Somers. Although he was only here for a few years in Middle School, he left his mark. 2 things I remember most about Kobyashi were that he always ate sea weed for lunch and that the first few weeks he was in school he wanted to be called "Joe"......Kind of odd. Judging by his myspace he looks pretty much the same, and for some reason he is still friends with Will Smith.

- Adam Wamsley - I think his profile is deleted but when I saw it said he lives in North Carolina and he has a hot girlfriend. All that I can remember about Wamsley was that he was not afraid to say what was on his mind and that I did not want to fuck with him because I feared he would pull a knife on me or something.

This is my list, and for right now this is the best I could do. If you were wondering where certain people were, the chances are that I tried to find them but had no luck. I still can't find Kirsten Quinn, DAMN! If you have any suggestions of people I could look for you can post them as a comment on this article. Thank you for your time.

March 23, 2006

Just an Announcement

I would like to point out that this upcoming Wednesday, March 29, 2006 is officially Suit Kid tribute day so just go ahead and dress up in a suit.

March 8, 2006

The Male Prom Philosophy: Bang 'Em Out, Bang 'Em Out

Now seeing that this site hasn't had much action as of late, I thought I'd take a ride on the bonsai-train and shock a couple of you out there by coming out on this site with a bang (sexual inuendo intended). Now firstoff, I'd like to address several rumors that have been circulating:

- I do not in any way find it very pleasing to finger just happens, what can i say
- I do not practice finger-banging on any sort of stuffed animal, doll, or creepy sexual contraption that i ordered off of e-bay with my grandmas credit card
- I did not research proper techniques on "How to Please a Woman Using Only Your Hands" prior to the first time my hands were put to work
- Nor did I learn any techniques such as "Two in the Bush One in the Tush" or the little known "Bear Claw" from Chaz Rheinhold, the King of Wedding-Crashing

And last, but not least..
- I am directly related to the cavemen in Ice Age's 1 and 2; in fact, I've been invited to a casting call this Saturday in New York City along with John Mongelli *(Ray Romano decided to opt out of this one) for Ice Age 3: Revenge of the Paleolitchic Neanderthal

Now...continuing on....many seniors may have noticed that lately girls have been absolutely prom CRAZY. No longer are free periods a time to relax, hang out, and talk about recent sexual escapades, but instead free periods now consist of watching a select group of overly-prom-anal girls circulate throughout the well-tiled room with calculators, bus and room lists, as well as date questionaires. Figuring it's only March, many of you fellow men out there may be saying to yourself "Honestly what the fuck are they thinking? It's three months till this shit." But, as this madness continues, more and more of us are becoming sucked into the never-ending pit of what is called 'Prom Planning'.

Who honestly cares who you ride in a bus with? The drive is 20 minutes maximum to pastoric Candlewood Lake, CT and within that 20 minutes I doubt it will be impossible for one to just shut up and enjoy the ride. But, no, leaving the girls in charge of such things has created chaos. What originally went, for many of us guys, from a limo of ten to twelve of your best friends and their dates is now a party bus filled with neon lights, disco ball, slide down t.v, FREE! Pepsi-Cola beverages, Venga Boys CD, and Mike Valerio (WOW). And WHY?????? Because they want to include EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS. "Well lets see, I want to be in the same bus with Jackie... and Pablo, and OMG I can't forget Petey! He's my favorite!"

C'mon ladies..since when did a 20 minute ride require that you invite every single girl/man/Shenorock-drug-dealer that you are remotely associated with? I mean, hey, why don't we let Pam on our limo, maybe Bianca, perhaps Frank Da Narc? Or how about Chachi from Happy Days? Honestly...the madness has got to stop.

What happened to prom being a simple, fun experience? I'll tell you what happened....too much estrogen.

Date picking alone is a complicated process, why make the twenty minute ride an issue when there's much more to be thinking about? Like..
- Who's going to put out?
- How we will take care of an absolutely trashed Dan Papalia?
- Ribbed or non-ribbed? And what brand?
- Bring a Speedo or regular bathing suit to Seaside?
- And will Nov 'piss on mad whips'?

Overall the prom experience is a very delicate situation.....and one that should be handled with much more care. So please hear me out, and don't stand by and let an over-generous "I want to include everybody"-maniac female take what was once your idea of the "straightest 10 person All-Star cast limo" and change it into a 40 person party bus blasting "Boom, Boom, Boom, I Want You In My Room", filled with yourself, Frank Da Narc, the school's star cross-country runner, the marching band conductor, Noah "the horse" Sandberg, Max "trip nip" Tabachnick, and your favorite lunch attendant; Troll...'cause CMON's ridiculous... know that you can't have TWO jewish kids on the same bus!

March 6, 2006

Best Moments from our Senior Year Parties, Part One

It's been a year of partying for the senior class in Somers. As we get ready to depart from the town of Somers to our respective colleges, I leave you with the top party moments from our senior year:

- Dan Papalia, Homecoming Night- Mr. Papalia proceeds to consume way too many alcoholic liquids throughout the day, and especially during the tailgate. He tries several times to get with a particular eighth grade girl at the game. Later in the night, at Mike Crispinelli's party, he is caught what many would call groping the breasts of the Big Bastards girlfriend and is just out of control the entire night.

- Food fight- Any opportunity to do something dick to Steve Smith is going to be taken complete advantage of. During a party at his house, people are caught pouring beer into plants around the house, an i pod is stolen, and to cap off the night, many types of food, the most memorable being raw steaks, are thrown around the kitchen. (Note: It should be remembered Steve also spent 300 dollars of his own money on beer, tried to charge everyone five dollars to get it back, and did not see a dime that evening).

- Overflowing- Although many of you may not remember this next moment, it sticks out in my mind like few others. At Max T's party, Rob Antonetz is making small talk with someone near the refrigerator/freezer. Without warning or to anyones knowledge, he holds down the water lever coming out of the freezer and lets water run down the freezer and all over the floor for a solid two minutes. This is finally discovered by Max the next morning.

- Forest Sleep- After that same party, which is broken up around midnight, everyone scrambles to get to there cars and quickly leave the party. Ryan Dietrichs, after having a very solid amount of Keystone Light and verdi, is driven home and dropped off at the end of his street to ensure no noise was made in his entering of the house. He awakaens the next morning lying in the woods outside of his home.

- Log Crack- The site is just outside the living room of Rob A's house during a bash he has thrown on a Saturday night. Jimmy Adamo shows up with snuff, and everyone is very hesitant to give it a try. Sean Pally is eager to attempt. After a try, he is so enraged with himself and in so much pain that he proceeds to crack himself over the head with a wooden log.

- Skoal hits the spot- Further evidence as to why Eric Weiner deserves little respect is found at Sarah Dunhams party. A few people are chillin outside to get away from the party for a second when some proceed to "dip" as it is commonly known. Weiner seems anxious, however, ends up taking the smallest pinch I have ever seen and then throws up from it in the front yard for several minutes. (It should also be noted he was not drinking at all and also stated he does not smoke. (Come on, you go to the University of Colorado and your not an athlete)).

- Down the drain- What many, including myself, deem to be one of the most painful moments of their lives. Soon after arriving at Stu Levine's party, a group of people gather around Rob A's trunk to view the massive collection of beer that has been obtained. While this is happening, two state pigs roll up behind us and the scramble begins as people foolishly attempt to run away into the woods. They are easily caught by the fuzz and are brought back to the driveway. They find the beer in the back of the trunk. Instead of being smart officers and taking it for themselves, they order everyone to pour what was probably around $100 dollars worth of beer, literally down the drain.

- Watch out for that tree!- It is well documented that Nick DeBellis does not show up to many parties. So when he does make an appearance, everyone is very excited. Except on this faithful night, at a party in the woods at a remote Yorktown location, his luck turns sour. The only kegger to date is broken up by police as Somers students frantically try to run through the woods to get away. Nick is no different as he tries to use his 4.8 forty speed to get away. Only in football, very few opposing players are as strong as trees. Nick literally runs into a tree in his getaway attempt and consequently is caught by a pig. Needless to say, he was not seen for many weekends following this incident.

- Westfest 2005- Just the spectacle alone is enough to get this party on the list. Although no particular moments stick out from this party, it was the perfect environment at a near perfect party. Best of all, it was hosted by ALLEN WEST!! It was an event that few missed and no one will forget.

- Wine was Made to be Funneled- As we all know, few parties intended to be at Michelle Romeo's house have actually occurred. However, during one of the few that actually did go down, a memorable moment was born. Being the assholes we are, we end up stealing three bottles of good wine from the wine cellar in her basement. When opened, nobody enjoys the taste. But no one wants it to go to waste. Thinking quickly, Richie hernandez grabs the funnel that is not being used and fills it with the wine. He then proceeds to find random sophmore and junior girls who are willing to do anything to funnel the wine. Surprisingly, he actually proceeds to find multiple girls who do it. Having attempted it myself, I can say it was one of the grosest
things I've ever done.

- 1 for 5- Although this is an estimate, I would say that Michelle Romeo is about one for five in following through with parties she says she is going to have. And one night it became too much. After about a group of twelve people are told by a very angry Romeo that there is no party and we need to leave her house, everyone gets very upset. I was especially angry because I had had a long week and was looking foward to a good party. So as we drove by, i went on to expose my bear ass out of the window as she is looking outside. Then, we turn around and pass it again when I hurl a snowball towards the house. Later, in an unrelated incident, she throws multiple quarters at Albert Dematteo's car, cracking the windshield. This particular event earns her the unofficial title as "Worst Party Host in Somers." (However, the story does end on a good note. At a later date, three anonymous troublemakers (and I can promise you I was not one of them) egg the house. These three masked men will be revealed at the very end of the year.)

- Fight Night: Part I- A very relaxing atmosphere at Amanda Richard's house made this party especially enjoyable. During a competitive game of beer pong, I was playing alongside my partner, Chris Gonzo. At the same time, Brian Lanzetta makes an appearance into the party and is quickly told he must leave. After he throws around a few unfriendly words, both Chris and Nick get in his face and start arguing, to the point where they are needed to be held back. About ten minutes later, someone comes up to inform Chris of something going on outside, and the next thing I know, both of them are sprinting outside and down the street looking to fight Brian. This would be one of many of these types of situations.

- Happy New Years: 2006- Jill A's house was the site of our senior year New Years Party. This party had a little bit of everything, from everyone gathered in the living room with bottles up at midnight, to me pouring beer into Dan P's mouth from the second floor and taking a piss in the shower, to a Nick Cucch appearance, and finally, quite posibly the funniest Gonzo impression of the year taking place. Just straight up a night to remember.

- Costume party???- Although few were there to experience this unforgettable sight, it was one that should not go unnoticed. A few people from Somers are informed of a party in North Salem. Having nothing else to do, we proceed to go to the party, fully expecting to get in. As we approach the house, the door is opened and out appears the biggest tool I have ever seen in my life wearing the most flaming disco outfit ever made. He informs us that it is a costume party and we are not permitted to enter because we dont have costumes. But what makes this moment even greater? Remember those three hooligans responsible for egging romeo's house? Well, they made another stop that same night in North Salem, and, needless to say, the owner of the house was not very pleased.

- JFK bash- In what I think was an attempt to prove that Somers is truly a boring town, a group of us treked all the way into Brewster for a party. We, are expecting these kids to be from Brewster High, but it turns out they go to JFK. (This next part will only be humorous to those who have played travel baseball in the past. If you have not, I suggest just skipping it and reading on.) As we are sitting on a couch near the door, Mike Wynne (Wynne hits bombs!) stumbles out of the bathroom, walks straight out of the front door and continues to stumble aimlessley around the front yard until he collapses and needs to be helped back into the house.

- Steve Matson's House, Episode One: The Finest Meats and Cheeses in all of the land- During a party at Steve Matson's, for some reason, I felt especially concerned for the safety of my fellow partyers. So, for no apparent reason, I went into the kitchen collecting small pieces of sliced ham and cheese and proceeded to place them on top of every opened beer can in the house to ensure no one would mistakenly drink them. It seemed like a very good idea at the time.

- Steve Matson's House, Episode Two: He's a Tank- Ethan Kamer went on to gain my full and utmost respect at this party. When I showed up, about an hour after him, he was already quite buzzed and could even be considered drunk. That was at 9 P.M. At 12 P.M. he is continuing to drink to the point where he passes out. Ok, fine. Except, then he blows my mindby waking up again at 2 AM, still drunk. However, he then defies logic by drinking strong for another 2 and a half hours until he finally goes to sleep for the last time at around 4:30 A.M. Props to Ethan.

- Steve Matson's House, Episode Three: The Wipe- Although I do not like to go into this and I regret what I did, I will tell the story. While drinking, someone bumped into me, causing me to spill a decent amount of beer on my arm. With nothing in sight to wipe it off with, I find Kari, passed out underneath the table, and decide to wipe it off on her shirt.

-Steve Matson's House, Episode Four: You've Been Shocked- Quite posibly the funniest part of the night, there are no regrets here. Me and Ethan, the only two people still drinking at 4 in the morning, are looking for something stupid to do. We find a salt shaker that when turned on, not only sprays salt, but also has a light that flcikers and makes a fairly loud vibrating sound. At 4 in the morning, after everyone is fast asleep and in no mood to be woken up, we proceed to find every sleeping person in the house, go right up to their face, and "shock" them with the salt shaker.

Fight Night: Part II- What do you get when you mix alcohol, kids from Yorktown, and the Gonzo's? A potential fight that of course doesn't actually happen but is talked about by them for the next three weeks. After these Yorktown kids get into an arguement with Sean Nickerson and are ready to fight, who is caught running relentlessly outside to join in the fighting? Yea, the zo's. A very amusing part that needs to be added, the Yorktown kids came back that night to fight, only to be clubbed down by Madison Engram with a bat.

On behalf of the senior class and all of the other partyers, I would like to send a special thanks to all who were gracious in lending their house to be absolutely destroyed at some of these parties. A special thanks also to Ryan D, for without his infamous beer runs, we may have actually had to pay for beer once in a while, to Jimmy Adamo, who supplied when a run could not be made, to The Ratch, for always making a grand entrance, to the out of control partyers who provided us all with entertainment while we were completely wrecked, to Madison for clubbing those Y-town kids, and to anyone else deserving of recognition who was not named.

And to leave you all with some wise partying advice, as a man once said, "Never be the first to arrive at a party or the last to go home, and never, ever be both."

March 2, 2006

Situations to Ponder: Part III

This site has already given us many questions to think about in our spare time. In an effort to bring Bonsai back to life, I leave you with some more questions to ponder……...

- If there was a pill, that taken once, gave you immortality, and the only side effect was continuous diarrhea for a year, would you take the pill?

- People say life is short. Well what exactly do people do that is longer?

- If a guy raped a prostitute, should he be charged for shoplifting?

- Why do croutons come in an air tight package? Aren't they just stale bread?

- Whose cruel idea was it to have an "s" in the word “lisp”?

- Why does it say on childrens tylenol not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles?

- If you were in God’s presence, and He sneezed, what would you say?

- How did we ever get milk? What makes a person decide, "Hey I think I am gonna go over to
that cow and pull on those things hanging down and drink whatever comes out."

- If a turtle is born without a shell is he naked or homeless?

- If a mime swears, do its parents make it wash its hands out with soap?

- A man once said that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

- How do people grow seedless grapes if there's no seeds to grow them?

- If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?

- If you got scared half to death twice, would you be dead?

- Is there an interstate highway on Hawaii?

- Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

- If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?

- What is the synonym for the word “synonym”?

- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

- How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?

- Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turnthe radio down?

- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

- Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

- Before the light bulb was invented, what appeared over peoples heads when they had an idea?

- What would you do if you saw an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

On a more personal note:

- If Alex Bean raced Shane (little sophomore that always runs to class) in the hallways of SHS, who would win?

- If Dipaolo already wet-whees, what does it sound like when he has a cold?

- How much money has Ryan D actually lost for Hudson Valley Beverage Distributor?

- If Lou G is the big bastard, and his father is the big BIG bastard, what is his great great great grandfather?

- Ethan Kamer once passed out from drinking so much, then proceeded to wake up at 2 AM and drink for another two and half hours. How much of his life was actually shortened that night?

- If Dan Smilowitz was required to take a drug test for a job, would the doctor even bother wasting his time and a cup?

- What is Dan Paps BAC at this very moment?
- Who has more credibility, Mr. Miller or Steve Smith?
- The Ratch and his crew always show up to parties well after everyone else and they are never wrecked. What exactly are they doing from 7-10 P.M.?

- Does anyone realize that the biggest and arguably the best party of our senior year was hosted by one Allen West? I just thought I’d throw that out at you.

And, lastly, What if the world had no hypothetical situations? This will give you plenty of material to think about the next time you are bored. But, on one final note…..What will come first, the answer to all of these questions or the next blog posted on Bonsai Potato?????

January 26, 2006

A Randomly Assembled History of "The Shocker"

Many of you may recognize the fabled "shocker", but for those who are not quite sure how to make it here's a quick lesson. First, take either your left or right hand and hold it out in front with your palm facing you. Then, lower your ring finger so that it touches your thumb which should be lying flat against your palm. Rotate 45 degrees. Congratulations, you are now in a 6.whatever billion way tie for sickest human being alive.

For those who may not know what the "shocker" means, it is a gesture which indicates the sexual act in which the first and second fingers "break the ice" by entering into a particular vagina. While those two soldiers are in slimy enemy territory the straggling pinky mightily springs into the anus. This is said to produce a "shock."

So here for you now is a brief and fake history of the "shocker."

2 million b.c.- The first instance of a recorded shock. Being a mere ape-woman, it is said she actually enjoyed the fact that something had just wiped the dingleberries off her Paleolithic ass. All of this was masterfully depicted on the walls of a cave.

1509-1547 a.d.- Henry VIII, shocks and then subsequently either divorces or be-heads every able-bodied woman in Great Britain. Also shocked were a handful of paraplegic women and teenage boys who took pride in "doing as good neighbors do."

1870-1871 a.d.- Prussia decides to, metaphorically, stick a whole fist in France's ever-widening asshole. It's asshole would reach maximum diameter when another German thrust his Teutonic fury into it. Also, while this technically does not follow the "two in the coot and one in the boot" format, it is still noteworthy.

1936 a.d.- Franklin Delano Roosevelt physically "goes to town with one in the brown" on Alfred Mossman Landon who managed to lose that year's presidential election 523 to 8.

March 2, 1962 a.d.- After pouring 100 points on the Knicks in Hershey, PA, Wilt Chamberlain adds 4 more women to a list that would eventually, according to his biography, reach 20,000. This gives Chamberlain the record for most asses and vaginas widened in a career. He also holds the single season and single records in the respective department. It is for those reasons that he is still considered the best shocker of all time.

1967 a.d.- Inspired after watching a low budget porn flick, Stan Lee develops a new comic book villain for Spider-Man to web up and crap on. Sadly, The Shocker rarely puts any finger into any crevice.

February 20, 1980 a.d.- The U.S. hockey team literally shocks the world by beating the heavily favored Soviets 4-3. Afterwards, in celebration, the members of the team celebrated by slipping "two where she menstruates, one where she defecates" to various Soviet chicks.

Sometime during Jim Abbot's career- Cousiz gets "two in her taco, one in her guaco."

January 14, 2001 a.d.- The New York football Giants slip "two in the bush and one in the tush" as they defeat the Minnesota Vikings 41-0.

2003 a.d.- Mike J puts "dos en la hamaca, con uno en la caca" as he tags Bear Bryant's map with the word junction.

June 2003 a.d.- A group of Somers High School Seniors "check the administration's fever, with two in the beaver" as they air soft-core porn on the school T.V.'s.

November 2004 a.d.- The Somers Cross Country team injects "two where it's foul, one in the bowel" by winning the first state championship in Somers history.

2005 a.d.- Ryan D. inserts "two in the winker and one in the sphincter" by stealing all the Irvington/Briarcliff hockey jackets from their locker room.

March-April 2005 a.d.- Mark Kingsbury, possibly the most unlikely shocker, scores with an Irish and literally placing "two where they're born, one where there's corn."

October 26, 2005 a.d.- A group of Somers High School Seniors slam "two inside a woman's vagina, one inside a woman's rectum" (in medical terms) as they scatter flyers foretelling a Somers victory all over Lakeland High School.

2002-2006 a.d.- Mike Novosel "finger-bangs many a chute, but always remembers to stick one in the glute."

January 15, 2006 a.d.- Somers Winter Track captures its third consecutive Westchester County Championship as the team unites to put "two in the condom muncher, one in the donkey puncher."

February 3-4, 2006 a.d.- John Veg sticks "two where the meat goes, one where the heat blows" at MSG by stealing a 2 beer maximum sign.

So there you have it. An annotated history of America's true favorite pastime...sexual euphemisms.