June 16, 2005

An Ode to Dads

As we all (should) know this saturday is father's day. This might be a somewhat serious article, I havent decided yet, but it is not a personal tribute to my father, rather it is a recognition of all fathers. I would have written an article about moms but this site was not available at the time.
If anyone starts to cry as they read this, please stop yourself immedeatly and never come back to this site again because you are a genuine faggot. Think about how much it must suck to be a father. Just imagine changing your son's diaper after he just unloaded a huge dump because you took him to Taco Bell. If you think babies aren't affected by the Bell, guess again. It must suck to be the dad of a hot chick. What would you do if whenever you went out, little punk ass teenage guys stared at your daughter's busty chest and rearend? Also, how do you prevent her from dressing like a slut? But it would also suck to have and ugly daughter. What would you do if whenever you went out people threw up as you walked by? Future fathers(all the guys in the crowd), we have decisions to make, hot or ugly daughter? Nowadays, the average kid 13 year-old kid (exception Will D'Angelo and Agron who has no last name) is smarter than their father. Do you kick your son out of the house if he refers to your property as a fiefdom or do you just smack him in the face? Then imagine having to explain to your ten year old son why you use Viagra, the converstaion would go something like this:

Noah(son): Daddy, what is Viagra? If you don't tell me I canjust look it up on the internet.
Dennis(father): (sigh) Well, uh, son, Viagra helps guys who.....See, Viagra is something that dads take when they're with moms and things arent really happening.....See, uh, have I ever told you the story of Jack and the Magic Beans?
Noah: Where the magic beans make a huge beanstalk?
Dennis: (Awkward Silence) Yeah, it kind of works like that.

Of course being a dad has its rewards. I once knew this guy who just wanted to kick back with the guys, you know, sippin juice boxes and eating out of lunch boxes...thats why he bought a Saturn. Also, what is better than kicking the shit out of your son after he beats you in a one-on-one basketball game where you tore both hamstrings and found out you had prostate cancer. Then take a look at Mr. Adamo. He has a family of five boys (fine I guess Jimmy counts) who go to a chinese buffet eat dinner and then go to a different one for dessert. Mr. Adamo can be considered "that dad". He goes to all of his son's game and heckles at the fat kids who trip over thmeselves, even though his sons are usually the largest on the field. On the topic of noteworthy dads, I would like to give a shout out to Mr. Steve Smith. He always greets me wearing his shorts and Nike Shox, with a charming red face, chewing gum so that his breath doesn't reek, and says "What's up brotha?" I like a man like that. If only everyone could take after their father...
If you already got your dad a present, you are a moron. The best present a dad could ask for is a day of golfing with his kids. There is no better stress relief than chucking a golf club at a tree after losing seven balls in the same pond. It's something about the game of gold that brings out the best in a father. I gaurantee that if you do go golfing with your father this weekend, you will learn something that he didn't want you to know.
Fatherhood reaches its climax this year on June 19th. If you felt that this article was too serious, then you have no soul. If you thought this article was funny, then you also have no soul, we have no right to make fun of our fathers. All I know is that I will not take my kid to Taco Bell if he is not toilet trained, I will have and average looking daughter, my kid will not be smarter than me, I will laugh at little fat kids, and I will NOT name my son STEVE SMITH. And on a somehat serious note, future fathers should consider the wise words of the once black man, Bill Cosby:

"My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children."

3 comments:

The Token Female said...

No, major problem with the father's day outing: ex-canadian mounties don't golf. They prefer to hunt Yetis in the northwest territories, while drinking their 40-something proof malt liquer (ie my father, dames...okay, that's pretty much it)

The Hebrew Hammer said...

Father's day is Sunday, jackass.

Fina Fina Bunt Bunt said...

WOW YOU FUCKING STOLE THAT CONVERSATION FROM SPORTS ILLUSTRATED. THAT WAS A BILL RILEY ARTICLE YOU CUNT YOU FUCKING STOLE THAT SHIT, GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE.