As the school year is now over, I believe that it is time to present the First Annual Bonsai Potato Awards.
Sit Down and Shut the Fuck Up Award: Who else but the "legendary" Steve Smith. This kid truly has verbal diarrhea and mental constipation. I don't know who he's talking to, or who he thinks is listening, but I feel less intelligent for having heard his comments. (Runner-up: Yasmin LaGreca)
Take the Fucking Hint Award: None other than Chris DiPaolo. While very few people have ever been particularly mean to this kid, I can think of no occasion on which anyone has publicly bestowed an act of friendship towards him. Yet he continues to follow, especially certain people (you know who I'm talking about). He is constantly ignored and shunned, and when he does speak, awkward silence ensues.
Average Joe Award: Mike J. An academic mess in top-level classes, he has no clue what is going on around him half the time in class.
Welcome to the Dark Side Award: Joe Bongiorno. Once an honest, hardworking student, he has realized the benefits of cheating one's ass off and not doing work. He was skeptical at first, but now he is just as addicted as the rest of us.
Fall from Grace Award: Matt Alberti. This kid was once the most innocent, amusing kids known to man. He never did anything bad. But he is now dead to me. He has become a scumbag and a raging alcoholic with no respect for his past aquaintances.
Reinforcing Stereotypes Award: Dennis Sandberg. The infamous hot dog event started a series of events which have damn near proven the stereotype of Jewish pennypinching. The man will take anything if it is a good deal, even if it is completely useless. To give you an idea - "It's the best price...free!" (Honorable Mention: Mike Choi)
Witness Protection Program Award: Ms. Pamela Read. There is no fucking way that a librarian's actual last name is Read. Way too convenient.
"Who Did You Blow for This Job?" Award: Tahan. The woman is a gym teacher, yet is less athletically coordinated than Kevin "Superman" Backman. No administrator in their right mind would knowingly hire such a poor example of the result of the Phys Ed program without some sort of incentive.
Most Likely to Committ Aggravated Assault: Stanz. The kid attempted to beat the crap out of Arpon after forgetting to remove the cover from the pH sensor for an AP Chem lab. Not to mention the infamous ego: "No one fucks with a wrestler." "I don't quit, I'm a football player."
You better pull out, because here comes your climax...
Most Valuable Person Award: He started off the year as a bitch, but Todd Rosenbaum has evolved into a fully legitimate kid. He takes our shit in stride, even somewhat enjoying it. Also, as far as taking shit from Chris Gross (Stanz's apprentice), homey don't play that. But most importantly, he is friends with Willie Sisca, whose face alone brings me pure, unadulterated amusement.