June 20, 2005

DIPPING SAUCE.

There are things in life that you enjoy. Then there are things in life that you absolutely love. Dipping sauce, is one of these things. Where would we be as a food-consuming society without the wonderful condiments known as Dipping Sauces? Where, I ask, where? We would be stuck in a gray, cold, bland world with no flavor and no pizzazz. That’s where we would be. Life without Dipping Sauce is not a life to live at all. I guess it is comparable to living without a penis, if you are a male of course. Dipping Sauce and your dick give you something to live for, something to strive for, and something to die for.
A life without neither is no life at all. And yes, I have dipped my wick in ranch dressing. Don’t knock it until you try it.
But alas, this article is not about the schlong—nor the sacapuntas for that matter—it is about the Sauce that is used to Dip things in. Buffalo Wings without Blue Cheese, Wendy’s Nuggets without Honey Mustard, Mozzarella Sticks without Marinara, and French Fries without Catsup. All of the above are nothing without their extremely underrated partner … nothing I tell you. They are like He-Man without his Hairy Underwear, retards without there gigantic toungs, Kirsten Dunst without her amazing ta-ta’s and Splinter the Rat without mutagen.
They are dry, lifeless and far less potent without the touch of that wet, adhesive substance known as Dipping Sauce.
And as much as that statement is true, there are those out there who refuse to accept Dipping Sauces as their one and only savior. They FEAR Dipping Sauce. They FEAR its power and glory. Like Patrick Swayze preaches in Donnie Darko, they are living a life imprisoned by the emotion of FEAR. I used to be one of these people.
But oh yes, I saw the light one day … I did indeed.
For all of my years as a sinner, I knew I was leading an impure life … I knew there was something missing in my world. It was as if I were Judy Garland in the black and white portion of the Wizard of Oz. This life I lead was no life to lead at all. It was a sham, a farce, a joke.
But then came one fateful trip the Outback Steakhouse. Then came my Look Into the Eye of the Beholder. The Bloomin’ Onion Horseradish Sauce was my Messiah. (yes noah he lives) I looked into the eye of Glory itself and became entranced. What did i do you might ask. I'll tell you what I did. I took a piece of that Bloomin' Onion, and dipped the shit out of it in that sauce, and then i ate it, and i was left with only five words to speak. Oh, Glory be to Halleluiah.

Kudos to you, dipping sauce. I would also like to mention that the word sauce is a wierd word. Just say it a few times over and over again...sauce...sauce....sauce.

June 16, 2005

An Ode to Dads

As we all (should) know this saturday is father's day. This might be a somewhat serious article, I havent decided yet, but it is not a personal tribute to my father, rather it is a recognition of all fathers. I would have written an article about moms but this site was not available at the time.
If anyone starts to cry as they read this, please stop yourself immedeatly and never come back to this site again because you are a genuine faggot. Think about how much it must suck to be a father. Just imagine changing your son's diaper after he just unloaded a huge dump because you took him to Taco Bell. If you think babies aren't affected by the Bell, guess again. It must suck to be the dad of a hot chick. What would you do if whenever you went out, little punk ass teenage guys stared at your daughter's busty chest and rearend? Also, how do you prevent her from dressing like a slut? But it would also suck to have and ugly daughter. What would you do if whenever you went out people threw up as you walked by? Future fathers(all the guys in the crowd), we have decisions to make, hot or ugly daughter? Nowadays, the average kid 13 year-old kid (exception Will D'Angelo and Agron who has no last name) is smarter than their father. Do you kick your son out of the house if he refers to your property as a fiefdom or do you just smack him in the face? Then imagine having to explain to your ten year old son why you use Viagra, the converstaion would go something like this:

Noah(son): Daddy, what is Viagra? If you don't tell me I canjust look it up on the internet.
Dennis(father): (sigh) Well, uh, son, Viagra helps guys who.....See, Viagra is something that dads take when they're with moms and things arent really happening.....See, uh, have I ever told you the story of Jack and the Magic Beans?
Noah: Where the magic beans make a huge beanstalk?
Dennis: (Awkward Silence) Yeah, it kind of works like that.

Of course being a dad has its rewards. I once knew this guy who just wanted to kick back with the guys, you know, sippin juice boxes and eating out of lunch boxes...thats why he bought a Saturn. Also, what is better than kicking the shit out of your son after he beats you in a one-on-one basketball game where you tore both hamstrings and found out you had prostate cancer. Then take a look at Mr. Adamo. He has a family of five boys (fine I guess Jimmy counts) who go to a chinese buffet eat dinner and then go to a different one for dessert. Mr. Adamo can be considered "that dad". He goes to all of his son's game and heckles at the fat kids who trip over thmeselves, even though his sons are usually the largest on the field. On the topic of noteworthy dads, I would like to give a shout out to Mr. Steve Smith. He always greets me wearing his shorts and Nike Shox, with a charming red face, chewing gum so that his breath doesn't reek, and says "What's up brotha?" I like a man like that. If only everyone could take after their father...
If you already got your dad a present, you are a moron. The best present a dad could ask for is a day of golfing with his kids. There is no better stress relief than chucking a golf club at a tree after losing seven balls in the same pond. It's something about the game of gold that brings out the best in a father. I gaurantee that if you do go golfing with your father this weekend, you will learn something that he didn't want you to know.
Fatherhood reaches its climax this year on June 19th. If you felt that this article was too serious, then you have no soul. If you thought this article was funny, then you also have no soul, we have no right to make fun of our fathers. All I know is that I will not take my kid to Taco Bell if he is not toilet trained, I will have and average looking daughter, my kid will not be smarter than me, I will laugh at little fat kids, and I will NOT name my son STEVE SMITH. And on a somehat serious note, future fathers should consider the wise words of the once black man, Bill Cosby:

"My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children."

June 10, 2005

End of the Year Awards

As the school year is now over, I believe that it is time to present the First Annual Bonsai Potato Awards.

Sit Down and Shut the Fuck Up Award: Who else but the "legendary" Steve Smith. This kid truly has verbal diarrhea and mental constipation. I don't know who he's talking to, or who he thinks is listening, but I feel less intelligent for having heard his comments. (Runner-up: Yasmin LaGreca)

Take the Fucking Hint Award: None other than Chris DiPaolo. While very few people have ever been particularly mean to this kid, I can think of no occasion on which anyone has publicly bestowed an act of friendship towards him. Yet he continues to follow, especially certain people (you know who I'm talking about). He is constantly ignored and shunned, and when he does speak, awkward silence ensues.

Average Joe Award: Mike J. An academic mess in top-level classes, he has no clue what is going on around him half the time in class.

Welcome to the Dark Side Award: Joe Bongiorno. Once an honest, hardworking student, he has realized the benefits of cheating one's ass off and not doing work. He was skeptical at first, but now he is just as addicted as the rest of us.

Fall from Grace Award: Matt Alberti. This kid was once the most innocent, amusing kids known to man. He never did anything bad. But he is now dead to me. He has become a scumbag and a raging alcoholic with no respect for his past aquaintances.

Reinforcing Stereotypes Award: Dennis Sandberg. The infamous hot dog event started a series of events which have damn near proven the stereotype of Jewish pennypinching. The man will take anything if it is a good deal, even if it is completely useless. To give you an idea - "It's the best price...free!" (Honorable Mention: Mike Choi)

Witness Protection Program Award: Ms. Pamela Read. There is no fucking way that a librarian's actual last name is Read. Way too convenient.

"Who Did You Blow for This Job?" Award: Tahan. The woman is a gym teacher, yet is less athletically coordinated than Kevin "Superman" Backman. No administrator in their right mind would knowingly hire such a poor example of the result of the Phys Ed program without some sort of incentive.

Most Likely to Committ Aggravated Assault: Stanz. The kid attempted to beat the crap out of Arpon after forgetting to remove the cover from the pH sensor for an AP Chem lab. Not to mention the infamous ego: "No one fucks with a wrestler." "I don't quit, I'm a football player."

You better pull out, because here comes your climax...

Most Valuable Person Award: He started off the year as a bitch, but Todd Rosenbaum has evolved into a fully legitimate kid. He takes our shit in stride, even somewhat enjoying it. Also, as far as taking shit from Chris Gross (Stanz's apprentice), homey don't play that. But most importantly, he is friends with Willie Sisca, whose face alone brings me pure, unadulterated amusement.

June 3, 2005

Coach D The Movie

In case you are not aware, there is a movie soon to be made about Coach DeMatteo, "DeMatteo: Lessons Beyond the Field" that chronicles his life and coaching career. If you want to check out a joke of a website, go to http://www.coachdematteo.com/. The cast has not been released yet so here is what i think would be the perfect cast:

Coach Ayman: John Leguizamo

Coach Dominick Narcisco: Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez

Coach Mike: Barney (from the Simpsons)

Coach Juan (fat black guy): Keenan Thompson

Coach Dick Popalardo "Pops": Sean Penn (I Am Sam)

Dom DeMatteo: Ray Liotta

Nat Middleton: Martin Luther King

Coach D's Henchmen: Joe Pesci and Al Pacino

Coack Krell: Dorian Gray

Willie Sisca: himself

Albert DeMatteo: Macauley Caulken

Anthony DeMatteo: Ashton Kutcher

Patti DeMatteo:Carmen Electra

Ms. Curcio: Lindsay Lohan (not that hot anyway)

Jimmy Kennedy: The Bear on Arthur Avenue

Tony DeMatteo: Mike Jones (who is mike jones?...the answer lies within the eyes of the beholder)



Of course, the movie will be directed by Francis Ford Coppola. You probably haven't heard of half of these people so you might think that this article is a waste. But if you do know who they are feel free to comment on any suggestions tha tyou feel would improve upon my list.

When the movie does come out, I encourage all non football players to not watch it because chances are you will make fun of us for a long time. If you do play football go see the movie because there is a clip of me running the ball (yeah, I'm that good).