May 31, 2005

Dame mas gasolina...

All right, I know Nick gave you all plenty of food for thought. But I’m gonna go out on a limb and ask if anyone else is STILL FUCKING HUNGRY???

If you’ve ever used the expression "found myself", "found yourself" or "found his/ herself" stop reading here. You are worthless. You are dirt. I won’t go as far as wishing death upon you but I only hope in time you have sense enough to wish it upon yourself.

You think a circle jerk has ever, even once, occurred? I mean its not something straight men and women get together to do so why should gaylords be any different?

Since when did using the word "cunt" become such a fucking taboo? It’s not like all the cunts just disappeared. As a matter of fact, I can name a few… [In light of recent school suspensions this information has been widtheld, please check later]. I like the word and I refuse to give up my right to use it.

What angle does Mike’s nose form above the horizontal?

Student Council is bullshit. All they talk about is problems within their bullshit council of students. Would anyone support my running for SHS Dictator?

Hey Ethan... you never got hit on by Dan, so stop dreaming.

I have come to the conclusion that roughly 56% of the male faculty members employed at SHS have a last name beginning with either an M or a D. Is there any way that this could possibly be a coincidence???

Some people grow hair oh the instep of their feet. Why were they not targeted in The Holocaust?

Noonan is a cartoon genius.

If Troll and Bernecker procreated, what skin disease would their children not inevitably develop?

Papalia once asked if ‘P Diddy’ killed anyone on Election Day. Can someone please look into that?

Stanz once managed to get the line "Fagot-ass Mother-fucker" out about 6 times in a minute. That was AWESOME!

Dave Schutt and Lucas Brode seem to arrive at EVERY party about two hours after everyone else. If they smoke as soon as they arrive, what the FUCK were they doing for those two hours???

Right then, that’s all… Hey Smilo, just out of curiosity, what did your dad wipe his ass with after each of his nervous defic-asians?

May 26, 2005

A Dissertation on My Teachers

I'd hafta say, this year's line up of teachers is probably the best i will ever encounter in grade school, with one notable exception (hint: she can't move her neck). We have the biggest collection of characters as teachers that we could hope for, and we should all be thankful for this. However, the question remains: do you want you teacher to be a huge character (Alberga), or just the man (Greene)? What follows is a run down of who I've got.

Mr. John Bernecker: Born and raised somewhere in rural Pennsylavia. Due to this, is the most likeley of all my teachers to have participated in an act of beastiality. Impeccable style, every day, whether it be the top-button-unbuttoned collared shirt, or the vintage, raggedy Astro Fest t-shirt. Facial hair appears, then says goodbye for a couple months. Has one serious beer belly. Once asked me, Arpon, Max, and Novosel if we had "clambaked the car" before school.

Mrs. Mary Couzis: Grade A Alcoholic. Dishes out all the dirt on perverted teachers (you guys know what I'm talkin' bout). Loses some points due to sudden mood swings, but earns major points for wasting a majority of the year in telling us ridiculous, half-true stories. My fav? When she and her girlfriends broke into her parents' Peppermint Schnopps in 4th grade.

Mr. John Malone: This man knows the meaning of life. Apparently he used to coach football and had major anger issues; now, he just talks about crazy deep shit and watches PBS religiously. Laughs kind of like elmer fudd.

Mr. Michael Greene: Simply put, the man. Think about what this guy does. Honestly. Goes and talks to kids about american history (which he probably thoroughly enjoys). Manages to be a huge wiseass, especially when talking to Chairman Alberga. He then goes to his house (in the Bronx?? Manhattan? probably harlem), where he kicks back and watches his hi-def television. His wife keeps on poppin out those kids, but it doesnt seem to be putting much stress on him.

MULLEN: Possibly a god. A star athlete in his former life, but reincarnated as the Buddha of gym teachers. Rub his belly and receive ten days of good luck. He clearly loves what he does, cause, after all, what the hell does he do? Gets paid to play sports all day with high schoolers. hes your classic jolly fat man.

Mrs. Denise White: Arpon's previous post should give a good idea of what's so great about this woman. shes a math MACHINE!! Far nicer than you may think. If you have her, you ought to be kissing that ghetto booty, cause she is working hard to give us the best grades possible. her skill with numbers assists her in doctoring averages to give you the optimal grade. Ever really notice that hair? check it out sometime.

Food for thought....

Here are a few things to mull over as you daydream during school

- If the earth was flat would you rather live on the bottom or on the top?

- Why must Ian Brennan wear a du-rag?

- Why does whet whee really whet whee?

- How many baloons would fit in the Troll's pants?

- Where is the ivy at ivy league schools?

- If every college is filled with hot chics, how come they marry all of the guys who don't go to college like carpenters and plumbers?

- If you could move your reproductive organs to any part of your body, where would it be?

- What if whipped cream didn't taste good on everything?

- If you had to walk around with a stick up your ass, what kind of tree would you prefer it came from?

- Vince Lombardi once asked, "If it doesn't matter who wins or loses, then why do they keep score?". Good point Vince.

- Why does Mrs. Dentato dress and act like a prostitue? Is she trying to tell us something?

- If people with huge boobs have back problems, why don't people with with a huge ass have abdominal problems?

- How come golfers say "fore" instead of "get the fuck out of the way!!!"?

- Was White Castle once frequented by White people?

- What if your mouse pointer wasn't confined to your computer screen?

- Mr. Boire wanted to name his son Angus. If you named your son after a type of steak, which would it be?

- Why do blind people wear sunglasses?

- Why did it take an indian to invent lacrose? (beside the obvious)

- Do italians die or do they pastaway?

That is enough for now. The next time you are sitting through a Green lecture, just Dan Ponder these quuestions, mull over the good ones and rip on me for the stupid ones. Feel free to make idiotic comments or add anyting that stopped you during the day and made you think, "WHY?"

May 24, 2005

A List of Things to Imagine Mrs. White Doing

Guys when reading this, just close your eyes empty your thoughts and spend a good fifteen seconds creating a mental image of the given scenario.

  • Mrs. White snorting coke.
  • Mrs. White taking a shit
  • Mrs. White with her face painted at an Oakland Raiders game.
  • Mrs. White fighting
  • Mrs. White rapping with the Wu-Tang Clan
  • Mrs. White wearing a Chewbacca costume, with the noises
  • Mrs. White in Wheel of Fortune
  • Mrs. White street racing
  • Mrs. White doing the macareina
  • Mrs. White taking the place of Gene Simmons of KISS, in full attire
  • Mrs. White trying to fly
  • Mrs. White a stripper at the Teaser's gentleman club of Mahopac
  • Mrs. White doing the robot
  • Mrs. White starring in a movie with Vin Diesel.
  • Mrs. White competing in the Great Outdoors Competition of ESPN-2.

May 19, 2005

Chris Dentato: Teacher, Friend...Hustler?

Chris Dentato...There are just so many things that could be said about this Shakespeare wannabe. His beard that doesnt grow, his weird looking face, the large doses of scarcasm spilled into everyday classwork. We have all had at least one moment where you just absolutely love this guy. Whether he's tearin on Kent Suzuki, or kicking your ass in chess he always...........ahhhhh yeeessss CHHEEEESSS. Plain and simple, in the words of casidy Chris Dentato says to himself "I'm a hustler, I'm, I'm a hustler" He will kick your ass in chess and not feel the least bit bad, but the only way he will win is if he (erhem) cheats. Thats right he cheats, and I am not the only one to experience his cheating ways. Below are a few tales that bring out the true personality that is CHRIS DENTATO.

"The Seed"
It was a chilly winter day, myself and Austin Cardona had stayed after for extra help with the hustler himself. We were little freshman, and I must say I was quite intimidated. As we sat down, he entered his infamous back room, and shorty retured with a small wooden box. Inside this box were chess pieces. He set them up, and approched us. I started to become nervous, and not nervous like "I hope I pass this test" nervous, nervous like the kids Michael Jackson raped nervous. You know, just being in that bed knowing "something is going to enter and exit my asshole numerous times this night, and theres not a DAMN thing I can do about it" Anyway, he asked mysef and Austin "do you play?" We both responded yes, although I had not played in years. So insted of extra help, we go to play chess with Dentato, fuck yeah. As he sat, his legs bumped the chair, moving some of the pieces. Little did I know this was foreshadowing the event to occur in the next half an hour. Austin made the first move, and that shit was goin DOWN. The match is dead even and Dentato is sweating like one of thoese little kids in the middle of his anal penatration. He has to be thinking "how can a fucking 9th grader be keepin dead even with me?"
And then it happened. Dentato went to make a move and knocked over a few pieces on..."accident?" It looked accidental, but one could not tell for sure. He picked up the three pieces he knocked over, and set them back the wrong spot, except for one. The other peice was taken off the board compleatly, and it was Austin's queen. He has been shisted, and we both knew it looking at each other in confusion. We couldn't say anything, he was our english teacher and he was a hard grader as is, so we just let it go, withotu saying anything. Austin was finished off in four moves and that concluded round one of "Dentato vs. Cardona"

"Thats bullshit!"

Dentato had continued his cheating ways throughout all of 9th Sean Nickerson and myself had experienced his hustler ways as well, and to be honest we were sick of it. Freshman year finished up, and in 10th grade we didnt talk to the guy, not once. Sean and Austin played a few games against him, and he still cheated. The only time i played him was in chess club one day, with Austin, Sean, and SID SONI watching. Did this crowd phase Denato? Fuck no it didnt, it made his balls bigger and he wanted to show he could cheat in front of all these people. He went for the "kings check" on me, which myself, Austin, and Sean had never heard of, but he always used it against us. When he made the move and said "kings check." We heard a voice, a voice that was very similar to God's, which made Dentato's beard-stricken face turn red...this voice belonged to Sid Soni and it said "What are you doing?" Dentato responded "Its kings check." Soni, a chess god who actully won the NYS state championship chess tounrey, along with the ballet gold metal in the NYS Goodwill games, responded "That's not a move, thats illegal. The winner is the person who takes the king first, that's not a real move go back and play a fair game." I looked at Austin trying not to laugh, and then Sean, out of nowhere, says "THATS BULLSHIT! YOU BEAT ME LIKE 6 TIMES USING THAT MOVE!" Detato was furious and said he had lost his concentration. He then got up and left the room, never to return to chess club again, at least not while I was there.

"Present times"
Now that Dentato can be beat and beat easily he makes up bullshit excuses when he looses. The following are a few examples of what he says...

1. "I was distracted, you know, because these kids keep asking me questions." (This only used at extra help)
2. "When that bell rang I lost my concentration"
3. "Its so noisey in here (the cafeteria usually) I can't concentrate."
4. (After knocking a piece over) "Where was this? Here?...No wait, over here, you know what, I'll just capture it. "
5. "Shhhh!! We're playing chess here. Please be quiet."

These excuses may sound lame, but it's that type of thing where you have to be there for it to be funny. Anyway, he hustled us damn good for a year and a half, and I tip my hat to that. But we've got you know, Dentato, and you'll never win a fucking chess game again.

Questions? Comments? E-mail me at

Wait (The Whisper Song)

Those clowns that Lil Jon runs around with (no, not the Eastide BoyZZZ, the other clowns) have a name. It's the Ying Yang Twins, and apparently they have decided to try to make some music. They have released a track, "Wait (The Whisper Song)", with hopes of it becoming the "bangin' hit of the summer". I had the pleasure of listening to the track AND viewing it's Making The Video on MTV2 recently. Now, I know that aside from a few select artists (A Tribe Called Quest, Wu Tang, etc.) rap is quite mindless. But, with this track, I believe we have hit a new low.

If the apocalypse had to be put to music, I believe this would be the song. I mean this in a bad way. As a music lover, I nearly cried when I heard this song. The first thing that hits a listener is the beat. It is reminiscent of a third grader toying with a broken bass synthesizer, starting high, then dropping three notes, then playing the same notes, this time with each note getting higher. This is hard to put into words, so I may not have gotten the true horridness of the song across. The beat consists of four, maybe five notes and a shitty electronic drum beat. It is slow and horribly monotonous.

Then the lyrics kick in. This is where the "whisper" part of the whisper song takes place. All of the lyrics are, you guessed it, whispered, in a voice that I think is supposed to be seductive. The first rhyme group goes as follows:
Hey how you doin lil mama? lemme whisper in your ear Tell you sunthing that you might like to hear You got a sexy ass body and your ass look soft Mind if i touch it? and see if its soft?
Well, do you mind? My god, who the hell writes those? Either Ying or Yang just rhymed soft with soft. This song is embarassing to listen to. If I were driving, playing this song, stopped at a stoplight, and someone heard it they would probably deem me a pedophile and call the authorities. That man in the green mini van, who asked a young girl if she wanted a ride earlier this year, listens to this song religiously. It is a song to rape your best friends mother to. Let me hit you with some more lyrical genius.
You like to fuck, have yo legs open all in da butt Do it up slappin ass cuz the sex gets rough Switch the positions and ready to get down to business So you can see what you've been missin' You might had some but you never had none like this Just wait til you see my dick.
Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick Wait til you see my dick Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick Imma beat dat pussy up Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick Wait you see my dick Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick Imma beat dat pussy up.
Yes, he just threatened(?) to beat your pussy up. I'm not one to complain about stuff being offensive, especially in music, but seriously this is horribly degrading. I actually find these lyrics disgusting.
The song ends in:
Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy Up, Beat da pussy up.
Why aren't these two rapists arrested? I'm pretty sure that beating up female genitalia is illegal. I doubt that it is consensual to beat a pussy up. Fuck you Ying Yang Twins. It's dumbasses like you who allow censorship laws to be passed, not to mention your stealing or airtime meant for Tyler Hilton, Ashlee Simpson, and Ashanti.
To conclude, this is the worst song to grace the radio since Switchfoot's "Meant to Live". I fucking hate you, Ying Yang Twins.

I'll leave you with some true love, Ying Yang style -
Yea something like that, but it depends on the swing of the baseball bat Fuck a bitch on da counter make the Place fall mats On the floor she aint screamin she a nut so they crack Crack...crack Fuck that bend over imma give you the dick .

Mr. Poopie Fingers

Saikrishna Pataibandla (I don't care if it's not spelled right...just cause you're indian doesn't mean you can overcomplicate your name) is possibly the strangest kid of Somers High School. Those of you who do not know who Poopie Fingers is, look for someone who runs like a Kenyan, who can totally camoflauge in the night, resembles Nightcrawler, and most importantly-has fingers that look like shit. But in all fairness, according to him he got fingers that look like poop from a tragic bicycle accident that left him with stones lodged into his fingers and magically also gave him a tan.

Poops is a vegetarian for religious purposes, but I witnessed him in a Chinese buffet in Brewster, New York sneaking in illicit substances...not marijuana but actually BBQ chicken and steak and broccoli.

Poops is also a big fan of the pornography. He once came to my house and demanded to use my computer cause his computer was 'filled with porn to the brim' [the brim of what is my question]..funny thing is that my parents heard him. Furthermore once on the bus he asked us if anyone saw Lord of the G-Strings. No one responded but he continued nevertheless and said "It's good besides the fact that it has no cum shots." [and yes that is a direct quote]. I also heard while discussing Trisch Stratus, Saikris said he'd "Take the shit in and out of her ass" [another direct quote].

To Be Continued...

May 18, 2005

The Legend That Is Steve Smith

If you think Steve Smith sucks, you clearly are not aware of the full extent of his suckiness. After all, this is a man who:

- Was excited about going to Florida because he was going to get laid by hot girls that he was supposedly friends with.

- Changed his girlfriend's name from Hillary to Sarah and back in the matter of three periods.

- Has a best friend named Teddy, who apparently once snorted twenty lines of coke after getting "mad" drunk. (Ha, Steve Smith claimed he had a friend.)

- Claims his friend Teddy banged two girls at once in the back of a cab.

- Seems to have plenty of friends from other towns, yet absolutely none in Somers.

- When heard school was being dismissed early, did a Britney Spears dance on top of a desk while singing the lyrics in math class.

- Almost moved to Guam before his parents decided against it.

- Met Britney Spears in person and had a conversation with her.

- When someone brought in donuts for a party, stood at the front of the room and in the stupidest voice I've ever heard said, "Thank you for the donuts."

- Claims his girlfriend had lukemia
(By the way, we still don't know her name)

A List of Good Fights

Fights are the epitome of the inherent animalistic tendency of humans. Certain fights are historic, and some are just funny. Below is a list of hypothetical fights that match both criteria.
  • Creetch versus Alex Simmons
  • Resource teacher who looks like he has a stick up his ass versus Mrs. White
  • Mr. Bernecker versus Mr. Boire
  • Dennis Rodman versus Elton John
  • Elana versus Ursula
  • A Man on Viagra versus a Man on Cialis
  • Backman versus Alaimo
  • Watson versus Crick
  • Jim Wynne versus Jim Leonard
  • Russ Dogg versus Big Brother
  • A carrot versus a cucumber
  • Mike Choi versus Mike Choi
  • Mr. T versus Chris Doster
  • Alex Hamilton (the new one) versus Aaron Burr (the dead one)
  • Homeless person versus Frank Siano
  • Difabbio versus Malone
  • Ethan Kamer versus any black person
  • The Temtations versus G-Unit

This list may be updated in the future, till then..

May 16, 2005

The Greatest Vacation Story Of All Time

During freshman year of high school, my father was working for a company called Starwood Hotels and Resorts.  This company is the owner of many chains of hotels, such as the Sheraton and Westin chains.  Starwood also owned a slew of five-star resorts, some classy-ass shit.  During the February break of that year, my father managed to get our family a reservation at such a place, a resort named The Phoenician in Scottsdale, Arizona.  As a fringe benefit, he was able to get a $500 double room for less than $80, so needless to say, we were not the typical guests of the resort. This, however promising it may seem, is irrelevant in the scope of our experience.

The Phoenician was at the foot of a considerably large hill, Camelback Mountain.  Towards the end of our trip, while eating lunch, my family decided that it would be cool to climb the mountain at night.  We asked one of the concierge members if the mountain was open to the public at night. She said that it was a public park and was open.  That night, we took our rental car to the foot of the mountain and began climbing.  About half of the way to the top, my brother, being a whiny bitch, said that he was tired of climbing, and he and my mother went back down the mountain to wait for us in the car.  My father and I proceeded to climb the mountain to its summit. After reaching the top, we turned back to go back down.  Shortly after turning around, we heard the distinct propellor of a helicopter. Intrigued, we turned around.  We saw a helicopter flying no more than 50 feet above the mountain with a search light.  The helicopter focused the light on my father and I and we heard through a loudspeaker, "Descend immediately.  The park is closed." (For those wondering, the search helicopter was not sent out to find us, but was looking for a missing child and happened to stumble upon us.)  So my father and I obediently follow the directions given to us.  While descending the mountain, however, my father became very distressed, and apparently felt the need to relieve himself.  So he tells me that he recommends looking away, and proceeds to pull down his pants, sit over a rock, and do his business.  I am at the time disgusted, yet fairly amused at the situation because we are potentially being watched by police.  As we continued down the mountain, my father relieved himself in a similar manner twice more, meaning that he had thrice defacated on public land.  When we finally returned to the base of the mountain, there was a police car waiting with its spotlight shining on us, and my mother was hysterically crying.  The officer told us that the park was closed, which we clearly already knew (I guess he just wanted to feel important), and then we left.  Once my mother had recovered her sanity, she told us what the officer told her while they were waiting for us.  He had let us off with a warning because we were given false information by the fuckheads at the concierge department, but he said that it could have been far worse.  He normally would have issued us a summons to state court, and since we would not have been able to attend due to our impending departure for the delighful weather of New York in February, a warrant for our arrests would have been issued the next time we entered the state of Arizona.

Don't believe me? Well first of all, fuck you and your lack of confidence in the honor system, and secondly, to quote Charlie Murphy, "Who the fuck could make up that shit?"


For the first time, a good idea we had has been followed up upon. All of the crazy shit we say is now available to all, be they normal or sucky. Here, all of the things and people we laugh at, make fun of, or just get pissed of at will finally be in print. This site will be open to articles from all people that are deemed not to suck, so that they too may abuse their freedom of speech. Now, those who deserve to be ridiculed will be, and those who should be shat upon will be covered in fecal matter. This concludes my unnecessarily formal introduction, and is the end of all formality and calmness on this site forever.