September 12, 2005

Mirror, Mirror

Some people just bear striking resemblances.

August 10, 2005

August 4, 2005

More Noteworthy Pictures

Can you spot the difference?

wow ...what a dipaolo

July 23, 2005

Notable Pictures

My apologies if there are any pictures of your possesion below, but it's for a good cause. (None of these pictures are actually mine)

(shit's coming back)

June 20, 2005


There are things in life that you enjoy. Then there are things in life that you absolutely love. Dipping sauce, is one of these things. Where would we be as a food-consuming society without the wonderful condiments known as Dipping Sauces? Where, I ask, where? We would be stuck in a gray, cold, bland world with no flavor and no pizzazz. That’s where we would be. Life without Dipping Sauce is not a life to live at all. I guess it is comparable to living without a penis, if you are a male of course. Dipping Sauce and your dick give you something to live for, something to strive for, and something to die for.
A life without neither is no life at all. And yes, I have dipped my wick in ranch dressing. Don’t knock it until you try it.
But alas, this article is not about the schlong—nor the sacapuntas for that matter—it is about the Sauce that is used to Dip things in. Buffalo Wings without Blue Cheese, Wendy’s Nuggets without Honey Mustard, Mozzarella Sticks without Marinara, and French Fries without Catsup. All of the above are nothing without their extremely underrated partner … nothing I tell you. They are like He-Man without his Hairy Underwear, retards without there gigantic toungs, Kirsten Dunst without her amazing ta-ta’s and Splinter the Rat without mutagen.
They are dry, lifeless and far less potent without the touch of that wet, adhesive substance known as Dipping Sauce.
And as much as that statement is true, there are those out there who refuse to accept Dipping Sauces as their one and only savior. They FEAR Dipping Sauce. They FEAR its power and glory. Like Patrick Swayze preaches in Donnie Darko, they are living a life imprisoned by the emotion of FEAR. I used to be one of these people.
But oh yes, I saw the light one day … I did indeed.
For all of my years as a sinner, I knew I was leading an impure life … I knew there was something missing in my world. It was as if I were Judy Garland in the black and white portion of the Wizard of Oz. This life I lead was no life to lead at all. It was a sham, a farce, a joke.
But then came one fateful trip the Outback Steakhouse. Then came my Look Into the Eye of the Beholder. The Bloomin’ Onion Horseradish Sauce was my Messiah. (yes noah he lives) I looked into the eye of Glory itself and became entranced. What did i do you might ask. I'll tell you what I did. I took a piece of that Bloomin' Onion, and dipped the shit out of it in that sauce, and then i ate it, and i was left with only five words to speak. Oh, Glory be to Halleluiah.

Kudos to you, dipping sauce. I would also like to mention that the word sauce is a wierd word. Just say it a few times over and over again...sauce...sauce....sauce.

June 16, 2005

An Ode to Dads

As we all (should) know this saturday is father's day. This might be a somewhat serious article, I havent decided yet, but it is not a personal tribute to my father, rather it is a recognition of all fathers. I would have written an article about moms but this site was not available at the time.
If anyone starts to cry as they read this, please stop yourself immedeatly and never come back to this site again because you are a genuine faggot. Think about how much it must suck to be a father. Just imagine changing your son's diaper after he just unloaded a huge dump because you took him to Taco Bell. If you think babies aren't affected by the Bell, guess again. It must suck to be the dad of a hot chick. What would you do if whenever you went out, little punk ass teenage guys stared at your daughter's busty chest and rearend? Also, how do you prevent her from dressing like a slut? But it would also suck to have and ugly daughter. What would you do if whenever you went out people threw up as you walked by? Future fathers(all the guys in the crowd), we have decisions to make, hot or ugly daughter? Nowadays, the average kid 13 year-old kid (exception Will D'Angelo and Agron who has no last name) is smarter than their father. Do you kick your son out of the house if he refers to your property as a fiefdom or do you just smack him in the face? Then imagine having to explain to your ten year old son why you use Viagra, the converstaion would go something like this:

Noah(son): Daddy, what is Viagra? If you don't tell me I canjust look it up on the internet.
Dennis(father): (sigh) Well, uh, son, Viagra helps guys who.....See, Viagra is something that dads take when they're with moms and things arent really happening.....See, uh, have I ever told you the story of Jack and the Magic Beans?
Noah: Where the magic beans make a huge beanstalk?
Dennis: (Awkward Silence) Yeah, it kind of works like that.

Of course being a dad has its rewards. I once knew this guy who just wanted to kick back with the guys, you know, sippin juice boxes and eating out of lunch boxes...thats why he bought a Saturn. Also, what is better than kicking the shit out of your son after he beats you in a one-on-one basketball game where you tore both hamstrings and found out you had prostate cancer. Then take a look at Mr. Adamo. He has a family of five boys (fine I guess Jimmy counts) who go to a chinese buffet eat dinner and then go to a different one for dessert. Mr. Adamo can be considered "that dad". He goes to all of his son's game and heckles at the fat kids who trip over thmeselves, even though his sons are usually the largest on the field. On the topic of noteworthy dads, I would like to give a shout out to Mr. Steve Smith. He always greets me wearing his shorts and Nike Shox, with a charming red face, chewing gum so that his breath doesn't reek, and says "What's up brotha?" I like a man like that. If only everyone could take after their father...
If you already got your dad a present, you are a moron. The best present a dad could ask for is a day of golfing with his kids. There is no better stress relief than chucking a golf club at a tree after losing seven balls in the same pond. It's something about the game of gold that brings out the best in a father. I gaurantee that if you do go golfing with your father this weekend, you will learn something that he didn't want you to know.
Fatherhood reaches its climax this year on June 19th. If you felt that this article was too serious, then you have no soul. If you thought this article was funny, then you also have no soul, we have no right to make fun of our fathers. All I know is that I will not take my kid to Taco Bell if he is not toilet trained, I will have and average looking daughter, my kid will not be smarter than me, I will laugh at little fat kids, and I will NOT name my son STEVE SMITH. And on a somehat serious note, future fathers should consider the wise words of the once black man, Bill Cosby:

"My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children."

June 10, 2005

End of the Year Awards

As the school year is now over, I believe that it is time to present the First Annual Bonsai Potato Awards.

Sit Down and Shut the Fuck Up Award: Who else but the "legendary" Steve Smith. This kid truly has verbal diarrhea and mental constipation. I don't know who he's talking to, or who he thinks is listening, but I feel less intelligent for having heard his comments. (Runner-up: Yasmin LaGreca)

Take the Fucking Hint Award: None other than Chris DiPaolo. While very few people have ever been particularly mean to this kid, I can think of no occasion on which anyone has publicly bestowed an act of friendship towards him. Yet he continues to follow, especially certain people (you know who I'm talking about). He is constantly ignored and shunned, and when he does speak, awkward silence ensues.

Average Joe Award: Mike J. An academic mess in top-level classes, he has no clue what is going on around him half the time in class.

Welcome to the Dark Side Award: Joe Bongiorno. Once an honest, hardworking student, he has realized the benefits of cheating one's ass off and not doing work. He was skeptical at first, but now he is just as addicted as the rest of us.

Fall from Grace Award: Matt Alberti. This kid was once the most innocent, amusing kids known to man. He never did anything bad. But he is now dead to me. He has become a scumbag and a raging alcoholic with no respect for his past aquaintances.

Reinforcing Stereotypes Award: Dennis Sandberg. The infamous hot dog event started a series of events which have damn near proven the stereotype of Jewish pennypinching. The man will take anything if it is a good deal, even if it is completely useless. To give you an idea - "It's the best!" (Honorable Mention: Mike Choi)

Witness Protection Program Award: Ms. Pamela Read. There is no fucking way that a librarian's actual last name is Read. Way too convenient.

"Who Did You Blow for This Job?" Award: Tahan. The woman is a gym teacher, yet is less athletically coordinated than Kevin "Superman" Backman. No administrator in their right mind would knowingly hire such a poor example of the result of the Phys Ed program without some sort of incentive.

Most Likely to Committ Aggravated Assault: Stanz. The kid attempted to beat the crap out of Arpon after forgetting to remove the cover from the pH sensor for an AP Chem lab. Not to mention the infamous ego: "No one fucks with a wrestler." "I don't quit, I'm a football player."

You better pull out, because here comes your climax...

Most Valuable Person Award: He started off the year as a bitch, but Todd Rosenbaum has evolved into a fully legitimate kid. He takes our shit in stride, even somewhat enjoying it. Also, as far as taking shit from Chris Gross (Stanz's apprentice), homey don't play that. But most importantly, he is friends with Willie Sisca, whose face alone brings me pure, unadulterated amusement.

June 3, 2005

Coach D The Movie

In case you are not aware, there is a movie soon to be made about Coach DeMatteo, "DeMatteo: Lessons Beyond the Field" that chronicles his life and coaching career. If you want to check out a joke of a website, go to The cast has not been released yet so here is what i think would be the perfect cast:

Coach Ayman: John Leguizamo

Coach Dominick Narcisco: Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez

Coach Mike: Barney (from the Simpsons)

Coach Juan (fat black guy): Keenan Thompson

Coach Dick Popalardo "Pops": Sean Penn (I Am Sam)

Dom DeMatteo: Ray Liotta

Nat Middleton: Martin Luther King

Coach D's Henchmen: Joe Pesci and Al Pacino

Coack Krell: Dorian Gray

Willie Sisca: himself

Albert DeMatteo: Macauley Caulken

Anthony DeMatteo: Ashton Kutcher

Patti DeMatteo:Carmen Electra

Ms. Curcio: Lindsay Lohan (not that hot anyway)

Jimmy Kennedy: The Bear on Arthur Avenue

Tony DeMatteo: Mike Jones (who is mike jones?...the answer lies within the eyes of the beholder)

Of course, the movie will be directed by Francis Ford Coppola. You probably haven't heard of half of these people so you might think that this article is a waste. But if you do know who they are feel free to comment on any suggestions tha tyou feel would improve upon my list.

When the movie does come out, I encourage all non football players to not watch it because chances are you will make fun of us for a long time. If you do play football go see the movie because there is a clip of me running the ball (yeah, I'm that good).

May 31, 2005

Dame mas gasolina...

All right, I know Nick gave you all plenty of food for thought. But I’m gonna go out on a limb and ask if anyone else is STILL FUCKING HUNGRY???

If you’ve ever used the expression "found myself", "found yourself" or "found his/ herself" stop reading here. You are worthless. You are dirt. I won’t go as far as wishing death upon you but I only hope in time you have sense enough to wish it upon yourself.

You think a circle jerk has ever, even once, occurred? I mean its not something straight men and women get together to do so why should gaylords be any different?

Since when did using the word "cunt" become such a fucking taboo? It’s not like all the cunts just disappeared. As a matter of fact, I can name a few… [In light of recent school suspensions this information has been widtheld, please check later]. I like the word and I refuse to give up my right to use it.

What angle does Mike’s nose form above the horizontal?

Student Council is bullshit. All they talk about is problems within their bullshit council of students. Would anyone support my running for SHS Dictator?

Hey Ethan... you never got hit on by Dan, so stop dreaming.

I have come to the conclusion that roughly 56% of the male faculty members employed at SHS have a last name beginning with either an M or a D. Is there any way that this could possibly be a coincidence???

Some people grow hair oh the instep of their feet. Why were they not targeted in The Holocaust?

Noonan is a cartoon genius.

If Troll and Bernecker procreated, what skin disease would their children not inevitably develop?

Papalia once asked if ‘P Diddy’ killed anyone on Election Day. Can someone please look into that?

Stanz once managed to get the line "Fagot-ass Mother-fucker" out about 6 times in a minute. That was AWESOME!

Dave Schutt and Lucas Brode seem to arrive at EVERY party about two hours after everyone else. If they smoke as soon as they arrive, what the FUCK were they doing for those two hours???

Right then, that’s all… Hey Smilo, just out of curiosity, what did your dad wipe his ass with after each of his nervous defic-asians?

May 26, 2005

A Dissertation on My Teachers

I'd hafta say, this year's line up of teachers is probably the best i will ever encounter in grade school, with one notable exception (hint: she can't move her neck). We have the biggest collection of characters as teachers that we could hope for, and we should all be thankful for this. However, the question remains: do you want you teacher to be a huge character (Alberga), or just the man (Greene)? What follows is a run down of who I've got.

Mr. John Bernecker: Born and raised somewhere in rural Pennsylavia. Due to this, is the most likeley of all my teachers to have participated in an act of beastiality. Impeccable style, every day, whether it be the top-button-unbuttoned collared shirt, or the vintage, raggedy Astro Fest t-shirt. Facial hair appears, then says goodbye for a couple months. Has one serious beer belly. Once asked me, Arpon, Max, and Novosel if we had "clambaked the car" before school.

Mrs. Mary Couzis: Grade A Alcoholic. Dishes out all the dirt on perverted teachers (you guys know what I'm talkin' bout). Loses some points due to sudden mood swings, but earns major points for wasting a majority of the year in telling us ridiculous, half-true stories. My fav? When she and her girlfriends broke into her parents' Peppermint Schnopps in 4th grade.

Mr. John Malone: This man knows the meaning of life. Apparently he used to coach football and had major anger issues; now, he just talks about crazy deep shit and watches PBS religiously. Laughs kind of like elmer fudd.

Mr. Michael Greene: Simply put, the man. Think about what this guy does. Honestly. Goes and talks to kids about american history (which he probably thoroughly enjoys). Manages to be a huge wiseass, especially when talking to Chairman Alberga. He then goes to his house (in the Bronx?? Manhattan? probably harlem), where he kicks back and watches his hi-def television. His wife keeps on poppin out those kids, but it doesnt seem to be putting much stress on him.

MULLEN: Possibly a god. A star athlete in his former life, but reincarnated as the Buddha of gym teachers. Rub his belly and receive ten days of good luck. He clearly loves what he does, cause, after all, what the hell does he do? Gets paid to play sports all day with high schoolers. hes your classic jolly fat man.

Mrs. Denise White: Arpon's previous post should give a good idea of what's so great about this woman. shes a math MACHINE!! Far nicer than you may think. If you have her, you ought to be kissing that ghetto booty, cause she is working hard to give us the best grades possible. her skill with numbers assists her in doctoring averages to give you the optimal grade. Ever really notice that hair? check it out sometime.

Food for thought....

Here are a few things to mull over as you daydream during school

- If the earth was flat would you rather live on the bottom or on the top?

- Why must Ian Brennan wear a du-rag?

- Why does whet whee really whet whee?

- How many baloons would fit in the Troll's pants?

- Where is the ivy at ivy league schools?

- If every college is filled with hot chics, how come they marry all of the guys who don't go to college like carpenters and plumbers?

- If you could move your reproductive organs to any part of your body, where would it be?

- What if whipped cream didn't taste good on everything?

- If you had to walk around with a stick up your ass, what kind of tree would you prefer it came from?

- Vince Lombardi once asked, "If it doesn't matter who wins or loses, then why do they keep score?". Good point Vince.

- Why does Mrs. Dentato dress and act like a prostitue? Is she trying to tell us something?

- If people with huge boobs have back problems, why don't people with with a huge ass have abdominal problems?

- How come golfers say "fore" instead of "get the fuck out of the way!!!"?

- Was White Castle once frequented by White people?

- What if your mouse pointer wasn't confined to your computer screen?

- Mr. Boire wanted to name his son Angus. If you named your son after a type of steak, which would it be?

- Why do blind people wear sunglasses?

- Why did it take an indian to invent lacrose? (beside the obvious)

- Do italians die or do they pastaway?

That is enough for now. The next time you are sitting through a Green lecture, just Dan Ponder these quuestions, mull over the good ones and rip on me for the stupid ones. Feel free to make idiotic comments or add anyting that stopped you during the day and made you think, "WHY?"

May 24, 2005

A List of Things to Imagine Mrs. White Doing

Guys when reading this, just close your eyes empty your thoughts and spend a good fifteen seconds creating a mental image of the given scenario.

  • Mrs. White snorting coke.
  • Mrs. White taking a shit
  • Mrs. White with her face painted at an Oakland Raiders game.
  • Mrs. White fighting
  • Mrs. White rapping with the Wu-Tang Clan
  • Mrs. White wearing a Chewbacca costume, with the noises
  • Mrs. White in Wheel of Fortune
  • Mrs. White street racing
  • Mrs. White doing the macareina
  • Mrs. White taking the place of Gene Simmons of KISS, in full attire
  • Mrs. White trying to fly
  • Mrs. White a stripper at the Teaser's gentleman club of Mahopac
  • Mrs. White doing the robot
  • Mrs. White starring in a movie with Vin Diesel.
  • Mrs. White competing in the Great Outdoors Competition of ESPN-2.

May 19, 2005

Chris Dentato: Teacher, Friend...Hustler?

Chris Dentato...There are just so many things that could be said about this Shakespeare wannabe. His beard that doesnt grow, his weird looking face, the large doses of scarcasm spilled into everyday classwork. We have all had at least one moment where you just absolutely love this guy. Whether he's tearin on Kent Suzuki, or kicking your ass in chess he always...........ahhhhh yeeessss CHHEEEESSS. Plain and simple, in the words of casidy Chris Dentato says to himself "I'm a hustler, I'm, I'm a hustler" He will kick your ass in chess and not feel the least bit bad, but the only way he will win is if he (erhem) cheats. Thats right he cheats, and I am not the only one to experience his cheating ways. Below are a few tales that bring out the true personality that is CHRIS DENTATO.

"The Seed"
It was a chilly winter day, myself and Austin Cardona had stayed after for extra help with the hustler himself. We were little freshman, and I must say I was quite intimidated. As we sat down, he entered his infamous back room, and shorty retured with a small wooden box. Inside this box were chess pieces. He set them up, and approched us. I started to become nervous, and not nervous like "I hope I pass this test" nervous, nervous like the kids Michael Jackson raped nervous. You know, just being in that bed knowing "something is going to enter and exit my asshole numerous times this night, and theres not a DAMN thing I can do about it" Anyway, he asked mysef and Austin "do you play?" We both responded yes, although I had not played in years. So insted of extra help, we go to play chess with Dentato, fuck yeah. As he sat, his legs bumped the chair, moving some of the pieces. Little did I know this was foreshadowing the event to occur in the next half an hour. Austin made the first move, and that shit was goin DOWN. The match is dead even and Dentato is sweating like one of thoese little kids in the middle of his anal penatration. He has to be thinking "how can a fucking 9th grader be keepin dead even with me?"
And then it happened. Dentato went to make a move and knocked over a few pieces on..."accident?" It looked accidental, but one could not tell for sure. He picked up the three pieces he knocked over, and set them back the wrong spot, except for one. The other peice was taken off the board compleatly, and it was Austin's queen. He has been shisted, and we both knew it looking at each other in confusion. We couldn't say anything, he was our english teacher and he was a hard grader as is, so we just let it go, withotu saying anything. Austin was finished off in four moves and that concluded round one of "Dentato vs. Cardona"

"Thats bullshit!"

Dentato had continued his cheating ways throughout all of 9th Sean Nickerson and myself had experienced his hustler ways as well, and to be honest we were sick of it. Freshman year finished up, and in 10th grade we didnt talk to the guy, not once. Sean and Austin played a few games against him, and he still cheated. The only time i played him was in chess club one day, with Austin, Sean, and SID SONI watching. Did this crowd phase Denato? Fuck no it didnt, it made his balls bigger and he wanted to show he could cheat in front of all these people. He went for the "kings check" on me, which myself, Austin, and Sean had never heard of, but he always used it against us. When he made the move and said "kings check." We heard a voice, a voice that was very similar to God's, which made Dentato's beard-stricken face turn red...this voice belonged to Sid Soni and it said "What are you doing?" Dentato responded "Its kings check." Soni, a chess god who actully won the NYS state championship chess tounrey, along with the ballet gold metal in the NYS Goodwill games, responded "That's not a move, thats illegal. The winner is the person who takes the king first, that's not a real move go back and play a fair game." I looked at Austin trying not to laugh, and then Sean, out of nowhere, says "THATS BULLSHIT! YOU BEAT ME LIKE 6 TIMES USING THAT MOVE!" Detato was furious and said he had lost his concentration. He then got up and left the room, never to return to chess club again, at least not while I was there.

"Present times"
Now that Dentato can be beat and beat easily he makes up bullshit excuses when he looses. The following are a few examples of what he says...

1. "I was distracted, you know, because these kids keep asking me questions." (This only used at extra help)
2. "When that bell rang I lost my concentration"
3. "Its so noisey in here (the cafeteria usually) I can't concentrate."
4. (After knocking a piece over) "Where was this? Here?...No wait, over here, you know what, I'll just capture it. "
5. "Shhhh!! We're playing chess here. Please be quiet."

These excuses may sound lame, but it's that type of thing where you have to be there for it to be funny. Anyway, he hustled us damn good for a year and a half, and I tip my hat to that. But we've got you know, Dentato, and you'll never win a fucking chess game again.

Questions? Comments? E-mail me at

Wait (The Whisper Song)

Those clowns that Lil Jon runs around with (no, not the Eastide BoyZZZ, the other clowns) have a name. It's the Ying Yang Twins, and apparently they have decided to try to make some music. They have released a track, "Wait (The Whisper Song)", with hopes of it becoming the "bangin' hit of the summer". I had the pleasure of listening to the track AND viewing it's Making The Video on MTV2 recently. Now, I know that aside from a few select artists (A Tribe Called Quest, Wu Tang, etc.) rap is quite mindless. But, with this track, I believe we have hit a new low.

If the apocalypse had to be put to music, I believe this would be the song. I mean this in a bad way. As a music lover, I nearly cried when I heard this song. The first thing that hits a listener is the beat. It is reminiscent of a third grader toying with a broken bass synthesizer, starting high, then dropping three notes, then playing the same notes, this time with each note getting higher. This is hard to put into words, so I may not have gotten the true horridness of the song across. The beat consists of four, maybe five notes and a shitty electronic drum beat. It is slow and horribly monotonous.

Then the lyrics kick in. This is where the "whisper" part of the whisper song takes place. All of the lyrics are, you guessed it, whispered, in a voice that I think is supposed to be seductive. The first rhyme group goes as follows:
Hey how you doin lil mama? lemme whisper in your ear Tell you sunthing that you might like to hear You got a sexy ass body and your ass look soft Mind if i touch it? and see if its soft?
Well, do you mind? My god, who the hell writes those? Either Ying or Yang just rhymed soft with soft. This song is embarassing to listen to. If I were driving, playing this song, stopped at a stoplight, and someone heard it they would probably deem me a pedophile and call the authorities. That man in the green mini van, who asked a young girl if she wanted a ride earlier this year, listens to this song religiously. It is a song to rape your best friends mother to. Let me hit you with some more lyrical genius.
You like to fuck, have yo legs open all in da butt Do it up slappin ass cuz the sex gets rough Switch the positions and ready to get down to business So you can see what you've been missin' You might had some but you never had none like this Just wait til you see my dick.
Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick Wait til you see my dick Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick Imma beat dat pussy up Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick Wait you see my dick Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick Imma beat dat pussy up.
Yes, he just threatened(?) to beat your pussy up. I'm not one to complain about stuff being offensive, especially in music, but seriously this is horribly degrading. I actually find these lyrics disgusting.
The song ends in:
Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy Up, Beat da pussy up.
Why aren't these two rapists arrested? I'm pretty sure that beating up female genitalia is illegal. I doubt that it is consensual to beat a pussy up. Fuck you Ying Yang Twins. It's dumbasses like you who allow censorship laws to be passed, not to mention your stealing or airtime meant for Tyler Hilton, Ashlee Simpson, and Ashanti.
To conclude, this is the worst song to grace the radio since Switchfoot's "Meant to Live". I fucking hate you, Ying Yang Twins.

I'll leave you with some true love, Ying Yang style -
Yea something like that, but it depends on the swing of the baseball bat Fuck a bitch on da counter make the Place fall mats On the floor she aint screamin she a nut so they crack Crack...crack Fuck that bend over imma give you the dick .

Mr. Poopie Fingers

Saikrishna Pataibandla (I don't care if it's not spelled right...just cause you're indian doesn't mean you can overcomplicate your name) is possibly the strangest kid of Somers High School. Those of you who do not know who Poopie Fingers is, look for someone who runs like a Kenyan, who can totally camoflauge in the night, resembles Nightcrawler, and most importantly-has fingers that look like shit. But in all fairness, according to him he got fingers that look like poop from a tragic bicycle accident that left him with stones lodged into his fingers and magically also gave him a tan.

Poops is a vegetarian for religious purposes, but I witnessed him in a Chinese buffet in Brewster, New York sneaking in illicit substances...not marijuana but actually BBQ chicken and steak and broccoli.

Poops is also a big fan of the pornography. He once came to my house and demanded to use my computer cause his computer was 'filled with porn to the brim' [the brim of what is my question]..funny thing is that my parents heard him. Furthermore once on the bus he asked us if anyone saw Lord of the G-Strings. No one responded but he continued nevertheless and said "It's good besides the fact that it has no cum shots." [and yes that is a direct quote]. I also heard while discussing Trisch Stratus, Saikris said he'd "Take the shit in and out of her ass" [another direct quote].

To Be Continued...

May 18, 2005

The Legend That Is Steve Smith

If you think Steve Smith sucks, you clearly are not aware of the full extent of his suckiness. After all, this is a man who:

- Was excited about going to Florida because he was going to get laid by hot girls that he was supposedly friends with.

- Changed his girlfriend's name from Hillary to Sarah and back in the matter of three periods.

- Has a best friend named Teddy, who apparently once snorted twenty lines of coke after getting "mad" drunk. (Ha, Steve Smith claimed he had a friend.)

- Claims his friend Teddy banged two girls at once in the back of a cab.

- Seems to have plenty of friends from other towns, yet absolutely none in Somers.

- When heard school was being dismissed early, did a Britney Spears dance on top of a desk while singing the lyrics in math class.

- Almost moved to Guam before his parents decided against it.

- Met Britney Spears in person and had a conversation with her.

- When someone brought in donuts for a party, stood at the front of the room and in the stupidest voice I've ever heard said, "Thank you for the donuts."

- Claims his girlfriend had lukemia
(By the way, we still don't know her name)

A List of Good Fights

Fights are the epitome of the inherent animalistic tendency of humans. Certain fights are historic, and some are just funny. Below is a list of hypothetical fights that match both criteria.
  • Creetch versus Alex Simmons
  • Resource teacher who looks like he has a stick up his ass versus Mrs. White
  • Mr. Bernecker versus Mr. Boire
  • Dennis Rodman versus Elton John
  • Elana versus Ursula
  • A Man on Viagra versus a Man on Cialis
  • Backman versus Alaimo
  • Watson versus Crick
  • Jim Wynne versus Jim Leonard
  • Russ Dogg versus Big Brother
  • A carrot versus a cucumber
  • Mike Choi versus Mike Choi
  • Mr. T versus Chris Doster
  • Alex Hamilton (the new one) versus Aaron Burr (the dead one)
  • Homeless person versus Frank Siano
  • Difabbio versus Malone
  • Ethan Kamer versus any black person
  • The Temtations versus G-Unit

This list may be updated in the future, till then..

May 16, 2005

The Greatest Vacation Story Of All Time

During freshman year of high school, my father was working for a company called Starwood Hotels and Resorts.  This company is the owner of many chains of hotels, such as the Sheraton and Westin chains.  Starwood also owned a slew of five-star resorts, some classy-ass shit.  During the February break of that year, my father managed to get our family a reservation at such a place, a resort named The Phoenician in Scottsdale, Arizona.  As a fringe benefit, he was able to get a $500 double room for less than $80, so needless to say, we were not the typical guests of the resort. This, however promising it may seem, is irrelevant in the scope of our experience.

The Phoenician was at the foot of a considerably large hill, Camelback Mountain.  Towards the end of our trip, while eating lunch, my family decided that it would be cool to climb the mountain at night.  We asked one of the concierge members if the mountain was open to the public at night. She said that it was a public park and was open.  That night, we took our rental car to the foot of the mountain and began climbing.  About half of the way to the top, my brother, being a whiny bitch, said that he was tired of climbing, and he and my mother went back down the mountain to wait for us in the car.  My father and I proceeded to climb the mountain to its summit. After reaching the top, we turned back to go back down.  Shortly after turning around, we heard the distinct propellor of a helicopter. Intrigued, we turned around.  We saw a helicopter flying no more than 50 feet above the mountain with a search light.  The helicopter focused the light on my father and I and we heard through a loudspeaker, "Descend immediately.  The park is closed." (For those wondering, the search helicopter was not sent out to find us, but was looking for a missing child and happened to stumble upon us.)  So my father and I obediently follow the directions given to us.  While descending the mountain, however, my father became very distressed, and apparently felt the need to relieve himself.  So he tells me that he recommends looking away, and proceeds to pull down his pants, sit over a rock, and do his business.  I am at the time disgusted, yet fairly amused at the situation because we are potentially being watched by police.  As we continued down the mountain, my father relieved himself in a similar manner twice more, meaning that he had thrice defacated on public land.  When we finally returned to the base of the mountain, there was a police car waiting with its spotlight shining on us, and my mother was hysterically crying.  The officer told us that the park was closed, which we clearly already knew (I guess he just wanted to feel important), and then we left.  Once my mother had recovered her sanity, she told us what the officer told her while they were waiting for us.  He had let us off with a warning because we were given false information by the fuckheads at the concierge department, but he said that it could have been far worse.  He normally would have issued us a summons to state court, and since we would not have been able to attend due to our impending departure for the delighful weather of New York in February, a warrant for our arrests would have been issued the next time we entered the state of Arizona.

Don't believe me? Well first of all, fuck you and your lack of confidence in the honor system, and secondly, to quote Charlie Murphy, "Who the fuck could make up that shit?"


For the first time, a good idea we had has been followed up upon. All of the crazy shit we say is now available to all, be they normal or sucky. Here, all of the things and people we laugh at, make fun of, or just get pissed of at will finally be in print. This site will be open to articles from all people that are deemed not to suck, so that they too may abuse their freedom of speech. Now, those who deserve to be ridiculed will be, and those who should be shat upon will be covered in fecal matter. This concludes my unnecessarily formal introduction, and is the end of all formality and calmness on this site forever.