May 2, 2015

An Almost Complete List of Things Written on the Pouch

- Mommy!
- Reggie is one hot dog
- I am Jon the Wraper
- Phils a dork
- Questions?
- Ponce^3 signed Mike Choi
- Ponce what da dilly
- Biggs
- Phil is Doom
- I eat Reggie
- Ian Smells
- My Dad Gizzes on My face
- Tub Girl
- Lou Gaudio looked down Ms. CANALLO'S SHIRT
- Seconds?
- KKK (kool kids klub)
- Phil the Boxer
- Huh? (3 different times)
- J
- Kenny has sex with Joe Booth and Joe Booth
- We Want Breakfast
- Jesus Lizard
- ?Love
- Matt Newman
- La Donna e` Mobile
- Luciano Pavoratti
- Booth
- Tuppa
- Tubgirl
- Nizzle
- Phil is a phun guy
- Phil collects stairs
- Phil = RC^2 X IB + Gastric Juices + Dry Sh*t
- IT'S (symbol for pi):30
- Vinny P. is my Bro-In-Law
- Rectuctron
- i pantaloncini
- Cerchia Bulge
- Mike eats Tampons
- Gardizzle
- Mike eats Tampons
- Phil excretes tampons
- Zeinoun is drunk at concerts
- OW My Head
- U Faggot
- -seconded by MAX
- Phil is Gay
- Phil is an Apple
- Goo Goo Ga Ga
- Assume the pose
- Penis
- Assume the pose
- P4's Pink Collection
- Gine Box
- Joe G. poops his pants
- Pond
- old guy shit in the b-room
- phil^2 + Julia^2 = standard deviation
- Agron Bomb
- 1918
- Mike
- A-Rod for MVP
- A-Rod for Prez
- I Survived the Blackout
- Phil Loves The Cock
- porn
- paul saia male playa
- someone's in the kitchen w/ Jesus
- Malcom X wuz here
- juan has ugly pants
- Made in the USSR
- Only in Russia
- Gazzini is God
- Gazzini = God
- Noonan's Infection
- Kenny
- Guanda
- There are BEARS in da Bronx
- Thanks for the Crack
- Jeter: 0-32
- Noonan got AgNO3 on his arm
- Dipaolo's sexual fantasies
- Dipaolo's fantasies
- i didn't eat the rabbit's food
- kiddie porn
- Do u guys have any idea how loud u are!!
- Juan peed on Noonan
- Boner
- Mike Lacko
- Calvin and Hobbes
- tim=short
- Phil loves the gook
- Sid Soni
- CC Times: JVeg = MA - 1
- Juan peed in a bottle
- Ima Shanghai you
- Hola
- Phil needs to hit that
- Cerchia Jr.
- Heather + Brenda
- Noonan <3 Tinkerbell
- Pond's in Paradise
- Arpons's Face
- A New Pouch
- The Pouch Strikes Back
- The Return of the Pouch
- Phil has penis Lice
- Thumen’s nipples JIZZ
- Dan Pond loves Mulan

January 12, 2012

A Literary Critique Part 1

"Why The Sky Is Blue"
A short story from the collection Stories from the Beginning to the End
By Juan C. Mendez

Full Text

One day Squirrel was tired of having green grass and a green sky. The next day, Squirrel still felt the same way. The day after that, Squirrel decided to do something about the sky and the grass so they wouldn't be the same color.

First, he went to the Ferret and told him his problem. Ferret said that he would help, but only if they made the sky blue, since that was his favorite color. Squirrel agreed.

First, they decided what to use to make the sky blue. They agreed to use blueberries since that was the only thing that was blue in the forest. They collected as many blueberries as they could find. Then they went to Bear and asked him if he would help them make the sky blue. Bear said Yes. He took the blueberries and threw them at the sky. The sky was turning blue. It worked!

The next day Squirrel was so happy he had a party and invited everyone in the forest. Everybody in the forest was also happy about the blue sky. And that is why the sky is blue to this day.


First off, the squirrel in this story is a top class dick. I mean, it takes an absurdly high concentration of shit in ones brains to make the decision to change one of the most basic sights of earthly existence, which affects every non-colorblind being on the planet (sorry Mr. Mulaney), just because it isn't the right hue. At the very least he had a victory throwdown where (as it says in the epilogue) Rabbit finally put out.

Secondly, what exactly is Ferret contributing to this operation? All he does is pussyshit around like a 2006 Cooper during pick-up games, and yet he gets to pick the color of the whole fuckin heavens?

Thirdly, this pathetic author needs to realize that if you list two sequential actions, they can't both be "first." Additionally, if there's only one item in the entire forest that is blue, you can't really say you "agreed" or "decided" to use that for your entire azure adventure. Just, shoddy fucking writing.

Continuing on, had this brilliantly thought out, bulletproof plan somehow failed to sapphire the shit out of the cosmos, what would have been plan B? Come on small woodland creatures get your shit together. This is why people run you over.

The only true BAMF in this story is, of coarse, Bear. Why, you ask? Cause he beasted a dickton of blueberries into the atmosphere, where they subsequently blew up into trillions of little perfectly-sized pieces and scattered all over the place in a very specific pattern so that they would refract light in just the right way. Duh. If you didn't read between the lines and see that, you dumb.

June 28, 2011

Pervy is as Pervy Does

I'm sure you have all heard me use the words pervert, perv, pervy...the list goes on for far too long. And we have all, at some point, posted a picture ridiculing someone here on The Bons. With the recent discovery of a long-lost picture, I have come to realize a simple truth: I am a hypocrite.

There are only two things I can say:
First, I am sorry for this picture's existence.
Second, Viva La Bonsai.

February 28, 2011

Is This Who I Think It Is?

Please don't ask me how I came across this. Viva La Bonsai.

October 29, 2010

Whisper Sweet Nothings to Me

It is no secret to anyone who has ever known me, if even for a minute, that I am a deeply disturbed man-child. Throughout my life, it has never been a secret that my internal scale for evaluating the general value of things is a bit off. The other day, however, it became evident just how much it has been skewed from its once merely "troubling" gauge. What I mean by this (and what logically follows) is that a recent conversation spurred the realization that if a girl ever wanted to seduce me for some masochistic reason, the type of stuff she would have to whisper into my ear to win me over would deviate more than a bit from the mean. I may (definitely) just be talking out of my ass here, but it seems that a good way of judging how weird you are is by imagining what type of content a theoretical seductress would have to employ (or maybe just entertaining this idea instantly makes one odd). After mulling over this absurd thought for a bit, searching for the phrases that would make my knees week, it became clear that I am not only really weird, but also suffering from a severe lack of contact with US sports/general culture.

"There's fresh bacon in the kitchen."

"It looks like Amar'e's knee is gonna hold up."

"I'm wearing short sleeves."

"Mariano Rivera's cutter is nothing short of artistic genius."

"I feel like the Knicks will play .500 ball this year."

"I just paid that guy 20 bucks to slightly alter the position of Phil's hat every 15 minutes."

"Did you hear? The 2004 ALCS never happened."

"Helmet catch."

"Can I stroke your mustache?"